Taboos Take 2: Bullying, Incontinence, Care Home, Grief
After writing an article on Taboos a few weeks ago, I was struck by the number of comments and thought I would add a few more things that, perhaps, we need to talk about a little more…
Bullying
We often associate bullying with childhood, but it is very much a part of adulthood too. We can be bullied by our boss, our spouse, colleagues, friends, parents, siblings and even our children. It may be something you have suffered throughout your life, or it may have happened as you got older. Sadly, elder bullying is very much a growing trend.
Bullying has many forms and can include neglect, physical and emotional abuse, psychological and financial. For me, one of the hardest things to contemplate is bullying by your own children. The same children that you brought into the world, loved and cared for more than anyone else, and would probably have laid down your life for.
Always find someone to confide in if you are being bullied, or, at the very least, write it down. Remember it doesn’t have to be like this. If someone asks you something you are not comfortable with, say ‘No’, or ‘Can I take a while to think about that and get back to you’. It gives you a little time and space to consider your response.
Incontinence
As we age, there are changes to our body which can cause leakage. However, it is always important to check with your doctor when this occurs, as there may be other reasons. Incontinence is one of the real fears of people when they age, but there are things that can be done to help prevent, or even reverse, it.
Pelvic exercises can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and may help prevent leakage. Aqua aerobics can be very beneficial for older people as it can help strengthen your pelvic floor in a safe environment, without fear of falling over. There are also medications that may help, and surgery is available for some.
We are fortunate today that there is a wide range of products available including mattress protectors, pads, and leakproof pants. Pads and pants can be especially useful, providing confidence if you sneeze or cough. Remember you are not alone, in the UK there are currently over three million people with urinary incontinence.
Care Home
Care homes can provide a lifeline to people and make a huge difference to their life… or they can provide guilt, worry, fear, anxiety. Many people do enjoy life in a care home but for relatives, deciding to place a loved one in a care home can be a very hard decision.
Caring for someone is tough. It is exhausting. But it can also be a privilege and a blessing. Each situation is unique and only those involved can really know what is right for them. I think the most important consideration is ‘Will the person who will be going into the home, plus the people who care for them, benefit?’
Caring full-time for someone is extremely hard work, especially if they need round the clock care. Before any decision is made, look at all the options available. Could someone else lighten the load, perhaps a family member, friend, neighbour or home help? If then the decision is made for someone to go into a care home, you will know that you have explored all other avenues. Hopefully, this should help make the choice a little easier.
If you are the one who needs to make the decision, be gentle on yourself. If your loved one is being cared for by others, it allows you to get your strength back, and have the energy, and time, to focus on both your wellbeing and theirs. Not so easy when you are exhausted, stressed and worried. You have made the choice with love and consideration, and that is all anyone can ask.
Grief
Grieving is probably one of the most painful emotions we ever experience. We go through life knowing that, at some point, all of us will die, yet we rarely talk about it. Knowing a loved one’s wishes can really help reduce some of the pain, so it is worth having the conversation, however difficult.
The way we grieve depends on many factors, and there is no one-size-fits-all. In my experience, we learn over time to accept what has happened, and to master how to reduce the physical and emotional pain. Grieving is exhausting… we don’t sleep properly, we don’t eat regularly, our head aches, our eyes sting, our throat is sore. Our mind races back and forth… Could I? Should I? Did I?
Talk to those you have lost, it can lessen the feeling of missing them. Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need. It is often a long process, but you will get there. Life may not ever be the same, and it may seem impossible to imagine ever being happy again. But, little by little, you may find yourself humming a song, smiling to yourself, or even laughing at some wonderful memories you have. The person you have lost may not be physically present, but they are always with you. You will be ok.
Let’s Talk About It:
What topics do you consider taboos and why? If you have a difficult time with a particular topic, who do you talk it over with?
We were lucky, but after my dad died — he’d been my mom’s caregiver (Alzheimer’s) for years — we found a care home in AZ literally four minutes from my sister’s house (by car). So my sister drops in two or three times a week and varies the day and time. And she’s also become very friendly with the staff which of course helps.
Wendy http://www.theInspiredEater.com
I have a problem with my right leg since a car wreck. the other day, i was in a retail store, my crutches were in my cart, and i had my pup with me. a woman came up within about 1/2″ from my bare heel with her cart, so i asked her if she could give me a moment. she said, if you weren’t talking, you could be moving. there was not a space big enough on my left for her to get by, so she actually rammed my cart with hers and scurried out the door, talking incoherently the whole way. i called after her to let her know i couldn’t hear her and ‘come on back, we’ll chat!’ because no, i don’t ambulate that fast any more. i think she shouldn’t have started something she felt she had to hurry away from
i’m glad my pup didn’t get run over
i must say, i swim about twenty laps and do an aqua pilates class twice a week (working on three). i’ve lifted on the regular for decades, but i cover my arms when i go out. i am ex-law enforcement. i have crutches and baton training. just a bum leg
when it happened, i mostly stood there, got a leetle passive-aggressive, and wondered what the legality was if i bipped her up the side of her head with a crutch (i didn’t) — but is it just a ‘crutch’? no, it’s a Big Stick with a handle
it’s good to be aware of our surroundings and stay to areas where we’re still capable (i don’t go to the gym anymore; i have weights here at home now).
and sometimes, someone might get more than they bargained for when they just take in all the grey hair. i’m not a fighter, but i won’t just cower when someone gets aggressive
stay safe; stay aware
People are so rude today, totally mean. It shouldn’t be like this, kindness and patience sometimes seems like a thing of past generation.
Oh, Lily, you’e so right about all these taboos!
My most recent one was a bullying adult daughter. But things went so far beyond the bullying (libel, slander, deliberate malicious actions) that I had to write her a letter calling it out, and distance myself from her. Very taboo. Only my closest friends understand. If you say in public that you are estranged from a child, people automatically assume you were an abuser. Nothing could be more opposite: she is the one who has been abusive.
Also, a good friend recently had to put her father in a care home because she was about to lose her job over all the time off. People have said terrible things about her, sometimes to her face: that she doesn’t care about him, that she’s “dumping” him, that she is selfish etc.. Again, nothing could be further from the truth.
Why do people hold to these rigid assumptions?
Anyway, thanks for the taboo discussion.
I was bullied at a hair salon by my hairdresser. I’d been going there for years & known her for years. I was in tears & she continued to harass me, My hair was wet & she said since you like the natural look you’re done and you can go. No manager in sight. I left.
Thank you for this follow-up. Have a blessed day.
Thank you Julie. You too :). Lily x