Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Estrangement: A Mother’s Journey
As women over 60, we stand on the precipice of a remarkable phase in life, where the relationships we’ve cultivated with our adult children deepen with each passing year. Motherhood, a journey that began with cradling newborns and comforting midnight cries, has evolved into a rich tapestry adorned with shared laughter, tears, triumphs, and milestones.
The once sleepless nights are now cherished memories, marked by the enduring imprint of our love and dedication. As Mother’s Day approaches, it prompts reflection on the intricate evolution of these bonds – the moments of growth, the bonds strengthened through adversity, and the profound joy stemming from the unbreakable ties of family. It’s a time tinged with nostalgic reflection as we marvel at the journey we’ve embarked on together and eagerly anticipate the chapters yet to unfold.
Being in my 60s, having dealt with the sting of estrangement, and missing my mom, I enter springtime with nostalgia and curiosity. What will this Mother’s Day bring? I wish I could return to the days when I would load all the kids in the car and visit my mom.
I remember the tension of needing to be in two places simultaneously, visiting my mother-in-law and mom. Those days were hectic. So much has changed, with Mother’s Day now holding such sadness for adults of all ages.
I recently received an email from a clothing company, asking if I wanted to opt out of sales emails referring to Mother’s Day. It saddens me that so many adults are dealing with a loss of some kind, and that Mother’s Day would be triggering negative emotions. While the topic is focused on Mothers, I want to acknowledge the loss sustained by adult children as well.
Nurturing Adult Relationships: A Balancing Act
As our children transition into adulthood, the dynamic of our relationship undergoes a profound transformation, marked by a delicate interplay of love, respect, and understanding. No longer solely providers of care and guidance, we assume new roles as confidants, mentors, and friends, offering support as they navigate the complexities of adulthood.
This evolution demands a delicate balance – between providing unwavering support and granting them the freedom to forge their own paths. It’s a dance between imparting wisdom gleaned over the years and respecting their autonomy to make choices and learn from their experiences.
Communication is central to nurturing these adult relationships – the foundation of trust and understanding. Open, honest conversations serve as the lifeblood of our connection with our adult children, enabling us to share our thoughts, fears, and dreams in a nurturing environment.
Listening becomes art as we lend empathetic ears without judgment, honoring their perspectives and validating their feelings. In return, we offer guidance when sought, drawing from our own experiences to provide insight. However, we also recognize the importance of allowing them the space to find their answers, make mistakes, and chart their course.
Respecting their autonomy is crucial, affirming their ability to make decisions and take ownership of their lives. It’s a gesture of trust that communicates our belief in their capabilities and confidence in their ability to navigate life’s twists and turns.
Nurturing healthy adult relationships strengthens the bonds that bind us and lays the groundwork for a lifetime of mutual respect, understanding, and love. It’s a journey marked by growth, evolution, and an unwavering commitment to supporting one another through life’s highs and lows.
Acknowledging the Emotional Toll of Estrangement
However, amid Mother’s Day’s celebration and the joys of nurturing adult relationships, a shadow exists – a profound emotional toll that estrangement can inflict. For some mothers, Mother’s Day is a stark reminder of fractured relationships, dreams deferred, and connections severed. The absence of a child’s embrace or the silence of an unanswered call can cast a long shadow over what should be a day of celebration.
Whether temporary or enduring, estrangement can pierce a mother’s heart, leaving behind scars that may never fully heal. It’s a pain born of longing, unanswered questions, and the relentless ache for reconciliation. The absence of a beloved child can leave a void that no amount of time or distance can fill.
Embracing Healing and Hope: Tips for Reconnecting
In light of the emotional complexities surrounding estrangement, it’s essential to acknowledge and honor the pain while embracing healing and hope. Here are some tips for navigating the journey of reconciliation:
Self-Reflection
Reflect on your emotions and experiences surrounding the estrangement. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and allow yourself space to grieve.
Open Communication
When fitting, initiate open, honest communication with your estranged child. Approach the conversation empathetically, seeking to understand their perspective while expressing your feelings. Open communication depends on the presence of a “no contact” that halts their desire and your communication attempt. If this is what happened to you, I am deeply sorry.
Seek Support
Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance as you navigate the complexities of estrangement. Sharing your feelings with others can provide comfort and perspective.
Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries for the relationship moving forward, ensuring that both parties feel respected and heard. Boundaries foster trust and create a sense of safety within the relationship.
Practice Patience
Healing takes time, and reconciliation may not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your child as you navigate rebuilding your relationship.
Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care and activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally is essential as you navigate the challenges of estrangement. My free eBook, Feeling Heartbroken and Alone?, can be a helpful resource.
Hold onto Hope
Despite the challenges, hold onto hope for reconciliation. Remember that relationships can evolve and heal over time, and never underestimate the power of love and forgiveness.
As we navigate the emotional terrain of estrangement, may we find solace in the bonds that endure, and may Mother’s Day serve as a beacon of hope for reconciliation, healing, and renewed connections.
Also watch, Handling The Holidays After Estrangement.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What will you be doing differently for Mother’s Day that considers your well-being? Will all your children be present to celebrate with you?
I doubt it
2/3 of my children are estranged, one has mental illness, has stolen from me and was verbally abusive so it’s my choice, the other a raging narcissist who had money was dangled in front of him by my ex, decided that I wasn’t worth continuing a relationship with. I have an older son who is wonderful and that’s all I need. I will be spending Mother’s Day with friends on a vacation. It’s ME time!!
My son and I had a good relationship until he was 21 and came out as Transgender. Of course everyone in our small family was accepting of this. When my daughter(now) started taking female hormones things fell apart. It was like she had pms 24/7. I couldn’t say anything right. When I got pronouns mixed up she said I did it on purpose. This went on for 10 years until during one if our arguments I asked for a divorce! That stopped her in her tracks. We both tried harder to get along but it never lasted long.
On her suggestion last year she asked if I would go to counselling with her. Of course I did. Our last session together was in December 2023. I got a call on Christmas and a call on my birthday in February. I had a bad fall and ended up in the hospital due to the wrong meds prescribed. She never came to see me or check in. I was crushed . She told me later that she thought I was fine because no matter what happens I am always fine. She felt badly.
Everytime one of these no show/no call things happen a little piece of my feelings for her dies. That also breaks my heart.
I think and hope that things are getting better. I am in the process of getting the house ready to sell. After 14 years since she left she has come back to clear her room. When she left I just shut her door. I wasn’t going to clean up the teenage mess she left.
We have worked together for the last 2 days and I have really enjoyed it. We have even had a few laughs together. We are taking a few days off and she is coming back to work all weekend.
It’s a start and I am not getting my hopes up. I am just enjoying the time we are having together. I no longer have expectation for things like birthdays, Christmas, mothers day etc. Too much water under those bridges and I can’t do it anymore. I am trying to treat her as a friend that I have known for 32 years. I am 74…it gets pretty lonely.
Shay, I wish this had been available when I was raising my children. I never thought about the future or what our lives/relationships would be like. My new attitude is that we give them wings. It’s such a self-centered world, maybe it has always been. These responses seem to be all from women which says a lot in itself. It is best to wish them well and create a wonderful life for ourselves with absolutely no expectations. We also have to look at how WE have set things up with them. And, take responsibility for that. We teach people how to treat us – actively or passively.
Thank you for your heartfelt honesty. Clearly, many of us feel the hurt you do.
My attitude is simple toward estrangement: if it was in their best interests then it was also in your best interest.
So there are some valid reasons for estrangement. I tried many times to have a serious adult conversation about some of my childhood issues with my mom, and was told i was just to sensitive. This left me feeling very dismissed, hurt and resentful.
This continued well into my fifties.
I understood that she was having a hard time transitioning from a child to adult relationship and I take responsibility for some of this, because of my lack of boundaries at the time. After some deep reflection, I realized it was time to step away..
That lasted for about a year and a half.
She never once reached out to me during that time. I think aside from feeling hurt of course, she was also still very defensive.
I eventually realized that she is an imperfect human just like the rest of us. I reached out to her with my new boundaries and perspective in place and took the next few years to rebuild our relationship.
We are in a pretty good place now. I just accepted that there are some things that she is just incapable of talking about for whatever reason. I know longer take it personal.
My mom is 82 and though our relationship will never be as deep as I would like, it is enough, and I have know regrets about reaching out to reconcile our relationship.
So if you are someone going through this please don’t lose hope.
Take time to self reflect and don’t be afraid to be the first one to reach out.
Best wishes to all.
P.S. I have sensory processing sensitive (HSP) so this deeply affected ever aspect of my life.
Dear Debbie: Thank you so much for writing. I am so grateful for your story because it shines a light on many’s hopefulness for repairing relationships with their family member. I appreciate your perspective and am so glad you stopped to share your story.
Thank you as well for giving such great examples of how to repair those relationships. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone share that before. I really appreciated it.
Debbie, my mom was an angry, unhappy person. Being around her meant walking on eggshells much of the time. When I got into my 40s I had had enough of it and confronted her. I didn’t like giving her a card on Mother’s Day because she wasn’t much of a mom. She refused to speak to me for years after I confronted her. I use to kid that I wanted to advertise for a loving mom. I moved one hour away when I was 22. At 36 I moved 8 hours away. At 50 I moved 9 hours away – due to employment. I tried to talk to her over the years about her anger and she would have none of it. I still flew to see her. She went downhill after her spouse died. I have no guilt about anything dealing with my mother. I went above and beyond. When she died at 79, she came to me in a dream telling me she was going. The phone rang and I got the news.
There were too many years of pain dealing with her. Acceptance is key. I went thrugh this totally alone as no one I knew had a similar situation or would talk about theirs.
Boundaries, for all of us is key. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
Thanks for sharing yours as well. I really appreciate it, and understand that not everyone will be able to reconnect and for good reason. If my mom was still causing me grief and hadn’t been willing to meet me part of the way this never would have worked, and yes acceptance and boundaries are key.