How to Fill the Nest After Empty Nesting
With your children gone, who are you now? So many women believe their identity is firmly wrapped around being a mother. I, too, am a woman of a certain age – proud to say I am fabulously 60! I’ve been married for almost 36 years, and my adult children have flown the coop… so now what?
With the children grown up and living on their own, who are you now? Who are you as a partner and lover?
In these times of great change in our family structure, we may feel lonely, alone, unoccupied, unloved, or losing value as a person. But WAIT! The children have moved out of the house, not your heart and mind.
It is a slippery slope when you lose all self-worth and purpose because your role in life becomes different. So, what can you do?
Write a List of “What Nows?”
- “What Now” would you like to address in the next 3 months?
- What do you need to do these 3-month “What Nows”?
- “What Now” would you like to do in the next 6 months?
- What do you need to accomplish these 6-month “What Nows”?
Armed with this list, you can start to shape your future into something concrete. Go for it! And remember, it is a list, not a law – you can always alter it!
Reclaim Your Space
Many of us still keep our children’s bedrooms as such for years after they have moved away. But why? Why do we keep shrines to adult children who live elsewhere? Have you thought about putting that space to better use for you and your partner, if they haven’t also flown the coop, now that it is unoccupied?
It is perfectly okay to use a smaller room/space to create a bedroom for visiting children. That will make them feel welcome without bringing concern that you are living in the past. Give yourself permission to take ownership of your entire home.
Have a “I Want to Know You, Now” Conversation with Your Partner and Then Get to Know Them, Again!
Ask questions and listen. These can include things like:
- How do you feel about the kid(s) being out of the house?
- Are we still working as a couple?
- How can we strengthen our connection?
- What would be a perfect day for us?
- What do you need in this partnership to feel safe and secure?
Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Well-Being
Consider the following questions:
- Have you had all the appropriate physical checkups?
- Do you take care of yourself as well as you took care of your children?
- Are you doing things that bring you joy?
- Have you nurtured your friendships? Sometimes they are the longest lasting relationships that we have but are often neglected.
- Are you giving your all to your career or has it lost its excitement?
- Would you benefit from a mental check-up from a professional?
Put in the Work Rebuilding a Nest
I think that is enough to start with, right? When my last child left the nest, I went through this process myself. I never realized, nor understood, how deeply entangled my personal identity was with my children. While I enjoyed them living at home, I thought it was sacrilege to enjoy them living elsewhere.
However, what I realized after doing some work on my other relationships was that I could have a totally different bond with my children that was based on mature interests and activities. Our relationship has matured and deepened in the last few years because I now interact with them as my adult children, not my children, an important distinction.
Everyone Goes Through This
Friends have also weighed in on having an empty nest. Lisa signed on for travel with her husband – as much as they could manage and afford after their two adult children moved out.
“We did many vacations with kids when they were at home living with us, usually domestic travel, but even that is hard when you have a teen boy and teen girl and need to book a motel/hotel. (…) It became much simpler and cheaper when it was just the two of us. We paid for their college and then we traveled as much as we wanted, without them, and opened a new phase of our lives. Our travels allowed us to grow together in a new way without the kids. We then could come home and talk travels with the kids and others.”
Another couple took advantage of the “freedom” by digging into their work lives. Lis, a college educator, shared, “I accepted the position of chair of the department. I didn’t feel the need to be home after school. I was able to go to meetings and not stress about what time I got home. We also didn’t worry about being home and making sure there was dinner on the table, which meant that we were free to meet in town for dinner.”
The other benefit of putting in the work to investigate how to refill the nest, was rebuilding our intimate relationship. This connection has been especially fulfilling. With a renewed interest to enjoy each other, my husband and I have found new, thrilling things about the mature us.
If all else fails, get a pet to fulfill your nurturing spirit! Let’s talk about it and good luck empty nesting!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
When did your last child leave the house? For how long did you keep your children’s rooms intact? When did you decide it was time to move on and rebuild the nest? How did you go about that? What are the results? Please share your wisdom with the community!
Tags Adult Children
I loved reading this!
Just for fun, I wanted to share a “teachable moment” story with you. When my son was in high school a young woman asked him to the prom. She was cute, very smart, and on the gymnastics team. He basically put her on hold for a few weeks until he heard back from a pretty, popular and rather buxom cheerleader, who eventually accepted his offer. The first girl then discovers why he declined her offer, taps him on the shoulder one day when he was at his locker and says, “So….you were just stringing me along, huh? I was not your plan B!” Thwack!! She slapped his face and walked off.
Despite his bruised ego and sore cheek, he got no sympathy from this Mom. In fact, I told him to apologize to her, and he did. She is now a successful attorney. I’ve often teased him about choosing the wrong gal. lol!
Interesting little footnote – there was a female teacher whom he knew well who was in the near vicinity when it happened. She walked by in the immediate aftermath, while he was standing there alone, rubbing his cheek and feeling quite embarrassed. She simply stopped for a moment, smiled and said something like, “don’t worry, you’ll work through it”. I thought that was classy. It showed confidence in him to fix things with the young woman. I love the sisterhood component there as well, since the teacher deferred to the girl’s judgement that a slap was fully warranted for this transgression, without the teacher knowing the details. We women have to stick together :)
When my youngest was nearly finished college, I filed for divorce. I wrestled with the decision of when to do this as I didn’t want to disrupt either of my children’s lives. There was simply no easy way to do this.
The real empty nest was the marriage. My youngest relocated for grad school, the other one was out of the country for a few years with a job. I moved into an apt for a couple of years. The marriage ended, my children relocated for their profession. I relocated following my dream. 9/11 happened, I had major surgery, and my mom died. It was a rough few years. The world I knew fell apart. It was up to me to rebuild it which I did.
I’ve been told 50 is the age at which many marriages complete. A new life can also begin. I am sure glad I found the courage to want more. I learned to make my own nest and never looked back.