Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Estrangement: A Mother’s Journey
As women over 60, we stand on the precipice of a remarkable phase in life, where the relationships we’ve cultivated with our adult children deepen with each passing year. Motherhood, a journey that began with cradling newborns and comforting midnight cries, has evolved into a rich tapestry adorned with shared laughter, tears, triumphs, and milestones.
The once sleepless nights are now cherished memories, marked by the enduring imprint of our love and dedication. As Mother’s Day approaches, it prompts reflection on the intricate evolution of these bonds – the moments of growth, the bonds strengthened through adversity, and the profound joy stemming from the unbreakable ties of family. It’s a time tinged with nostalgic reflection as we marvel at the journey we’ve embarked on together and eagerly anticipate the chapters yet to unfold.
Being in my 60s, having dealt with the sting of estrangement, and missing my mom, I enter springtime with nostalgia and curiosity. What will this Mother’s Day bring? I wish I could return to the days when I would load all the kids in the car and visit my mom.
I remember the tension of needing to be in two places simultaneously, visiting my mother-in-law and mom. Those days were hectic. So much has changed, with Mother’s Day now holding such sadness for adults of all ages.
I recently received an email from a clothing company, asking if I wanted to opt out of sales emails referring to Mother’s Day. It saddens me that so many adults are dealing with a loss of some kind, and that Mother’s Day would be triggering negative emotions. While the topic is focused on Mothers, I want to acknowledge the loss sustained by adult children as well.
Nurturing Adult Relationships: A Balancing Act
As our children transition into adulthood, the dynamic of our relationship undergoes a profound transformation, marked by a delicate interplay of love, respect, and understanding. No longer solely providers of care and guidance, we assume new roles as confidants, mentors, and friends, offering support as they navigate the complexities of adulthood.
This evolution demands a delicate balance – between providing unwavering support and granting them the freedom to forge their own paths. It’s a dance between imparting wisdom gleaned over the years and respecting their autonomy to make choices and learn from their experiences.
Communication is central to nurturing these adult relationships – the foundation of trust and understanding. Open, honest conversations serve as the lifeblood of our connection with our adult children, enabling us to share our thoughts, fears, and dreams in a nurturing environment.
Listening becomes art as we lend empathetic ears without judgment, honoring their perspectives and validating their feelings. In return, we offer guidance when sought, drawing from our own experiences to provide insight. However, we also recognize the importance of allowing them the space to find their answers, make mistakes, and chart their course.
Respecting their autonomy is crucial, affirming their ability to make decisions and take ownership of their lives. It’s a gesture of trust that communicates our belief in their capabilities and confidence in their ability to navigate life’s twists and turns.
Nurturing healthy adult relationships strengthens the bonds that bind us and lays the groundwork for a lifetime of mutual respect, understanding, and love. It’s a journey marked by growth, evolution, and an unwavering commitment to supporting one another through life’s highs and lows.
Acknowledging the Emotional Toll of Estrangement
However, amid Mother’s Day’s celebration and the joys of nurturing adult relationships, a shadow exists – a profound emotional toll that estrangement can inflict. For some mothers, Mother’s Day is a stark reminder of fractured relationships, dreams deferred, and connections severed. The absence of a child’s embrace or the silence of an unanswered call can cast a long shadow over what should be a day of celebration.
Whether temporary or enduring, estrangement can pierce a mother’s heart, leaving behind scars that may never fully heal. It’s a pain born of longing, unanswered questions, and the relentless ache for reconciliation. The absence of a beloved child can leave a void that no amount of time or distance can fill.
Embracing Healing and Hope: Tips for Reconnecting
In light of the emotional complexities surrounding estrangement, it’s essential to acknowledge and honor the pain while embracing healing and hope. Here are some tips for navigating the journey of reconciliation:
Self-Reflection
Reflect on your emotions and experiences surrounding the estrangement. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and allow yourself space to grieve.
Open Communication
When fitting, initiate open, honest communication with your estranged child. Approach the conversation empathetically, seeking to understand their perspective while expressing your feelings. Open communication depends on the presence of a “no contact” that halts their desire and your communication attempt. If this is what happened to you, I am deeply sorry.
Seek Support
Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance as you navigate the complexities of estrangement. Sharing your feelings with others can provide comfort and perspective.
Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries for the relationship moving forward, ensuring that both parties feel respected and heard. Boundaries foster trust and create a sense of safety within the relationship.
Practice Patience
Healing takes time, and reconciliation may not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your child as you navigate rebuilding your relationship.
Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care and activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally is essential as you navigate the challenges of estrangement. My free eBook, Feeling Heartbroken and Alone?, can be a helpful resource.
Hold onto Hope
Despite the challenges, hold onto hope for reconciliation. Remember that relationships can evolve and heal over time, and never underestimate the power of love and forgiveness.
As we navigate the emotional terrain of estrangement, may we find solace in the bonds that endure, and may Mother’s Day serve as a beacon of hope for reconciliation, healing, and renewed connections.
Also watch, Handling The Holidays After Estrangement.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What will you be doing differently for Mother’s Day that considers your well-being? Will all your children be present to celebrate with you?
Sharing here poignant words that speak to the heart of estrangement:
Just Let Them
If they want to choose something over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you.
Author: Cassie Phillips
I cannot trust a therapist who says she wants to counsel women who have been utterly broken by their adult child’s estrangement when she also says this:
“If the adult child is reporting things like a challenging relationship . . . it’s normal for the therapist to help the adult child recognize that this relationship is not good for them and the possibility of cutting off is not the end of the world. . . it’s ok and natural for the therapist to encourage a movement away from the relationship.” –Marie Morin at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARFyygg2K3M
Hello A Breyer, and thank you for commenting. I have looked through the video you linked and I can report that you have missed the context. The author, who is a therapist, points out that it is common for therapists to hear one side of the story (the adult child’s, for instance) and only base their therapy/advice on that information – then guide their patients to cut off ties with their parents. She says this is a contributing factor to estrangement. She does not say she agrees to this approach or endorses it.
I would agree that her observation is true, and I’m sure that you would agree too.
Listen again from 3:13 to 5:50; several times if you need to, to grasp what the author is actually saying.
Hope this helps!
I truly hope that is the meaning and I am glad to hear that interpretation. I have already listened to it carefully several times. It was not entirely clear in the video.
Thank you for your response.
Any therapist who would even remotely suggest estrangement (unless there was gross child abuse and neglect) without including both parties in the therapy sessions is the toxic one. It is absolutely NOT OK for any third party to “encourage a movement away from the relationship” between a child and his/her parents! What should be encouraged is family counseling instead of individual counseling. If any party is unwilling, then the therapist should sympathize with the adult child; however, it is extremely irresponsible to offer advice when you are only hearing half of the story. People lie to counselors all the time. This is why I believe it is more of an art than a science. Do no harm should also apply to counselors just as it does to anyone treating a “patient”.
Thank you for this. This is the best article I have come across. You get it and your kind approach, no blaming, shaming just understanding. Thank you
Or letting them go as they are trying to do – and not waiting and grieving – but instead get on with life and hope to meet up before we die. I’m certain we will connect with daughters from other mothers along the way to fill the void.