Reunion Invitations… Accept or Decline?
The word “reunion” usually evokes the dreaded (or beloved) high school reunion. For some, it might also refer to family reunions. There are also other common reunions such as military, workplace, cultural/ethnic, and those related to social groups. A reunion can even take place between two old friends!
For some unknown reason, as I “mature,” I find myself being invited to and strategizing reunions with people from pivotal points in my life. These situations always arouse excitement (not always the good kind), hope and fear!
Two Recent Reunion Opportunities
I am just coming back to earth after attending a 50th anniversary performance (and reunion) of a ballet school I attended as an adult for 30 years. This quality institution had a Russian (Vaganova) ballet curriculum, which was rare in the United States at the time. Venerable students went on to perform professionally in companies all over the world. I was lucky enough to take classes with such folks along with amateurs like me and form strong bonds.
At the performance, I met up with my long-lost pals, and eagerly arranged lunch dates with two to continue catching up. I also visited the school, donated money to their non-profit, and contemplated attending a gentle ballet class. This reunion experience was off the charts!
In a similar timeframe, I received an invitation to my 55th high school reunion. I had not attended any of the previous events, probably because it was a mega-class of 1200 students. In deciding whether to attend, I was aghast when I witnessed the strange fish-eye view photo of the 50-year reunion attendees online. I decided to stay home.
A Workplace Reunion
I was privileged to teach at the same elementary school for 18 years, but I retired under challenging circumstances. My years at the school for many years were a peak occupational experience: wonderful community and colleagues and fabulous kids. At the end, a change in administration and a change in school accountability all over the country made my position as a reading specialist less than stellar.
When I received an invitation to attend a retirement party for one of my colleagues, I had not been back to the school in 15 years. In fact, the school was demolished and replaced with a modern building. I was torn about making the decision to attend.
I did go. My experience at the retirement party was a combination of wonderfully welcoming expressions from old colleagues AND palpable, lingering resentments from others. Thomas Wolfe is right when he penned the famous line, “You can’t go home again.”
What Is Going On?
There are many reasons why reunions seem like a wonderful opportunity. They offer some excitement, allow you to revisit your youth, and reinforce important connections. They are a chance to regenerate friendships and develop an appreciation of one’s personal journey. Of course, there is always a curiosity about how your peers are aging, and how you measure up.
Unfortunately, there is also an associated emotional vulnerability: feelings of stress and anxiety. High school reunions probably evoke those negative emotions more than any other type of reunion.
Larry Waldman, writing about the Psychology of Reunions, finds that there are different variables at each of the decade high school reunions. While the 20th and 30th reunions find us in the “comparison-to-our-peers stage,” happily by the 40th and 50th reunions we have bypassed middle age and have transitioned into more secure selves. He finds that the 50th year reunion is actually the most well-attended, perhaps because the reigning emotions are nostalgia and wisdom.
Atoms, Charges, and Reunion Decisions
Reaching back to high school or college chemistry, you might remember that atoms contain both positive and negative charges. The protons hold the positive charges, and the electrons hold the negative charges.
This concrete visual can serve you well when deciding to attend a reunion of any type. Can you predict if the overall energy will be positive or negative? Will the predominant vibe be optimistic, happy, and uplifting? Or will pessimism or tension dominate?
It would be wise to predict the proportions of such behavior, with a hearty “yes” to the former, and a polite decline for the latter. It should be noted that reunions should not be declined if any trace of negativity is suspected. In large groups there will always be a mix of emotional feelings, and not acknowledging these challenges might prevent you from participating in a rare, worthwhile experience.
Moving Forward
My ballet reunion, not surprisingly, had a 100% positive charge. It was a social group reunion based on 30 years of joy. However, if I had done some introspection, I could have predicted the results of my work reunion. Many of my colleagues were fans, but there were just a few who had negative charges. I did try to avoid those folks, but I came out of the experience vowing never to return. The combined work history and those facial expressions were too painful to seek future involvement.
Currently, I’m considering initiating a reunion of two old friends. When we were raising our children, our husbands worked in leadership roles at the same large, religious institution. We experienced the associated public lives in our community with obligations for a regular public practice of religious rituals. Our families were supposed to be modeling these behaviors. This situation was extremely challenging while raising young children and felt very much imposed, rather than chosen.
Although the charges of these two women were very positive, the situation we shared had a large share of negative charges. I’ve been stuck making the decision of whether I should reach out or not. The difficulty lies in the proportion of the mixed charges. I have still not been able to do the math.
You can also read, 10 Techniques to Help You Prepare for Your Big High School Reunion or Family Gathering.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What types of reunions have come your way recently? What have your experiences been? Would advance planning have been helpful?
I chose to pass on my 50th HS reunion in 2015. When I was contacted by a planning committee member, she was astonished when I said HS was not a great time in my life. Maybe for her–an active member on many committees–it was. As an introverted wallflower, it was not for me.
My father in law was baby number 16. Our turn comes up every 16 years.
doable
My 58th (? go figure) is coming up, and I have no interest. My graduating class was small (midterm, in February), so it has been combined with the summer class, and at this point, several years have also been added. High school wasn’t a special period of my life, and I had a few close friends instead of “belonging” to the crowd. At this point, I have no one and nothing to have in common with.
I missed all my high school reunions by choice because of the reasons stated in these comments. I have outgrown the “socio-economic” class of where I grew up, and rather not think about my roots. To me, reunions are all about showing off, bragging and saying look at what I did with my life, and I don’t want to be a part of that scene.
I’m.never ashamed of my background, my dad was a coal.miner and my mother a cleaner. However, like you I’ve grown out of my socio economic roots and find when I go back I have very little in common with some extended family members.
My husband is the same, his father worked in a car plant and his mother was a sewing machinist, but his siblings and their families chose not to better themselves via education like we did.
It’s like they are all scared of moving out of their comfort zones, yet they belittle us for having university degrees.
I did get to a few over the years; my next would be the 50th. With the advent of social media, I’m all caught up. I will not be going.