Don’t Tell Me What to Do: Our Quest for Autonomy
One of the hallmarks of women “of a certain age” is a great need for autonomy. After a lifetime of catering to others’ needs in the realms of family and work, some women would fight to the death to preserve their autonomy when those yokes are removed. Women in decades long marriages have been known to divorce their spouses. Dieting, hair coloring, relentless social obligations, and other people-pleasing pursuits are often gleefully shed.
The Birth of Autonomy
Oddly enough, this pursuit of autonomy is the second time in life it takes center stage. The last time was between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. Erik Erikson, a venerable developmental psychologist, edited Freud’s concept of a series of psychosexual stages all humans pass through in a lifetime. Erikson’s idea was that humans pass through 8 psychosocial stages in a lifetime, because we are primarily social beings.
Young toddlers pass through Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, and if successful, develop a strong sense of self-confidence and a command of both the mind and body. If not, shame and doubt dodge the individual throughout the lifetime.
Effective parents offer their young children choices of toys, foods, and clothing, respect their opinions, and label and value feelings. As a parent, it might feel like a struggle, but it is a necessary developmental milestone.
What Is Autonomy?
Autonomy is the ability to make and carry out decisions about how, when, where and with whom to spend one’s time. Key concepts include control, freedom, personal agency and individualism.
Not surprisingly, the Age to Autonomy Hypothesis finds that people gain autonomy as they age. Older people feel less regulated by age related norms (hopefully, not comparing themselves minute by minute on Tik Tok).
Life circumstances allow elders to make their own decisions, pursue goals, and come up with their own ideas because of the freedom from so many external obligations. Unfortunately, later in life, physical impairments may greatly restrict such desired autonomy, even though personal needs are still great. Again, this is a fertile field for family struggles.
Maturity Does Not Guarantee Autonomy
Bridget Sleat writing on Helpage.org finds that elders struggle all over the world with this issue. Surveying 450 individuals in 24 countries, there were many who were denied personal decision making, including bodily and financial issues, due to the prevailing attitudes of government and family members.
Autonomy is a cross-cultural need which promotes higher levels of psychological health and social functioning. A lack of autonomy can cause tremendous suffering later in life, but lack of successful progress early in life might produce a “rebel” personality (ongoing oppositional behavior to authority) or people-pleasing behavior, a hallmark of low self-esteem.
Women and Autonomy – A Global Issue
The reversal of Roe v. Wade has thrown the spotlight on women and reproductive freedom. However, in 2017 the United Nations Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner created a resolution concerning the discrimination against women and girls in additional domains. Key ideas include bodily autonomy, legal status equal to men, freedom from violence, participation in decision making, and access to resources such as income, property, and culture, without patriarchal patterns. Unfortunately, such is not the norm globally.
The Feminist Movement Really Gets It
Another cultural institution to weigh in on autonomy is the feminist movement. Although our foremothers worked hard to educate modern western society about women’s needs to act on “motives, reasons or values that are one’s own,” the movement switched gears to accept that women are not living in a vacuum. We are not people living off the grid who can follow every whim. Rather, all humans, including women, live in a social context. We are interconnected!
Currently, the feminist movement embraces the concept of “relational autonomy.”
This is the capacity to make decisions, not as a solitary, self-sufficient person, but as an individual embedded in social relationships.” This philosophy is prevalent in the world of bioethics and end of life care. It redefines individual autonomy by considering the myriad social concerns and relationships that exist in one’s life.
A Healthy View of Autonomy for Mature Women
It is easy to be conflicted about how far one’s wishes and desires should go later in life. After all, it is a time for rediscovering one’s individuality. But, after so many years of dreams being put on hold, it doesn’t have to be a time to choose between the self and others in our orbit.
The concept of relational autonomy can promote sober judgments about respecting and honoring oneself, but legitimately honoring the people in our circle: a very healthy balance of power.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How has your autonomy changed as you’ve gotten older? What now interferes with your autonomy that you have control over? What steps have you taken to exercise your autonomy?
Tags Empowerment
I was widowed at age 53 and have lived alone for 39 years – never, never have I felt lonely. I can be with groups or individuals exactly when I wish to be, enjoy solitude when that’s what I want. Perhaps this attitude is something almost inborn but I feel it has to with having a lot of one’s own interests – for me, some of these interests are actually in group activities. On the other hand – I truly treasure “aloneness”.
When your country can’t even maintain Roe V. Wade or pass the ERA, it sure tells us what our country values.
We have to learn to value ourselves, to let what others say about us pass through us. It’s their issue, not ours.
I’m getting divorced because I can’t and won’t be “under the control” of my husband!
Yes! This article is so timely. I am very conflicted between my freedom and my marital relationship-figuring out how to navigate my desire to go out and do things and my husband’s desire to stay closer to home and do less. I struggle with how to feel like I’m IN a relationship if I’m doing everything alone. I’d love it if you could go more in depth on this aspect.
The answer to this conundrum is to come to a compromise with your husband. How much time will you be apart and how much time will you be together. The exact amount is up to each couple.
I can so relate to independence at a young age. My mother said
that when I was a toddler, I would climb out of the carriage trying to get
somewhere, I walked to school by myself or with friends in the mornings
but at lunchtime we would return to school and my gran would walk me back
in the afternoons. I would walkway ahead of her. I would wander off from my mother in the stores. Got into trouble for that!
In my 20’s, I would have plans with others who would cancel at the last
minute or half commit. I would get upset thinking you had to have someone with you to enjoy. My mother would say, “well…
go by yourself” AAAAH! Angels singing…what a revelation!
When student is ready the lesson begins. NO longer BY myself but WITH myself. I am damned good company.
Sometimes though for me that independence can be a stubbornness to
go it alone and not ask for help when needed. Getting in my own way.
Especially, as it relates to my house. Can I do it or call a handyman, friend
or neighbor? Not asking others for input on a decision…have they experienced it, done it? What was their decision? Not for influence but
simply for information with decision making.
I travel alone and realize that I need someone who knows my itinerary.
I now gather support and do not expect mind reading.
In our autonomy, the hardest thing to do can be to let someone in.
Yep