The Fabrication of Female: Fighting Back, Being Real
“I’m sorry for being here.”
It is the ultimate statement of disempowerment; to apologize for not meeting society’s or someone’s expectations.
Trouble is, society’s expectations are whack-a-doodle.
Specifically, everywhere I turn, older women feel they are not beautiful, capable, and valued. What happened to the recognition and respect of a traditional matriarchal role in the family, communities, and society at large? When did we become useless and outdated?
How can we influence positive change in our self-perception and in the perceptions of those around us when our insane culture says the opposite?
Stupid Celebrities: I’m 60, Look 20, and You Should Too
Demi Moore, age 61, showed up at a Hollywood event looking about 30 years younger and the media went into orbit. Reporters, in a frenzy of besotted and unhinged devotion, said something like this: “OMG, how did she do that! She looks amazing! Who is her plastic surgeon, what did she drink (The Substance, maybe?) that’s incredible she must now be the example of beauty in every movie and play a woman half her age!”
And every woman watching stuck her head in the toilet. Yet again, we are not enough.
How can any woman compete with what amounts to either an unavailable substance that you probably have to sell your soul to get a hold of, or a plastic surgeon witch doctor who does injectable by-pass procedures that no one without a trillion dollars can achieve?
Then there is Pamela Anderson, who, in a blaze of brilliance, went without makeup to a Hollywood event and those same reporters held their head in their hands and doubled over screaming in an act of devastated worship. “Look how gorgeous she is with no makeup! OMG I’m in love with her strength and courage to stand up to Hollywood norms!”
If I went to an event with no makeup on, I’d be systematically catapulted out the back door.
Are We Bi-Polar?
We want perfection (even if it’s fabricated) to somehow reach the unreachable standards of the ever-shifting beauty ideal, but we want to be liberated, independent, and taken seriously without a lot of effort. Having said that, how many personal trainers, dieticians, nail technicians, hairdressers, makeup artists, and certified Botox injectors are standing at the ready for every supposed flaw to be eradicated at a moment’s notice for poor Demi?
What level of fabrication and insanity are we talking about here and why the constant attack on aging? Why can’t we age, why do we have to be fake to be accepted?
Men Are Women, Men Can Have Babies, Women Are Men and Don’t Argue with Me
My oldest daughter’s best friend is transitioning into a man, and his boyfriend is transitioning into a woman. I honor and respect the dysmorphia of not feeling at home in your body and how much having changed your appearance and gender helps you feel yourself. I cannot imagine what that must be like and how consequential it is that current technologies can help those who have experienced this.
Having said that with compassion and respect, all of this brings up an important question.
If we are to support other ideas of what is a ‘woman’, but in our support we then minimize the traditional form of it, is that reasonable? What happened to valuing the archetypical woman who cares for her family, cooks real meals, attends parent-teacher meetings, and dyes her hair purple when she retires?
What happened to the enormously valuable role that a traditional female plays in society, and why are we subjecting that to subgroups, even when that subgroup plays a valuable role in empowering specific people?
What happened to altruism for ourselves and our granddaughters who might choose a more traditional life? Why, if men can be women and men can have babies, does that somehow minimise or even nullify biological women?
Perhaps I could again highlight Hollywood. The quantity of films where the female lead kicks-ass, wields a weapon, and leads the men has exponentially expanded. Movies where a traditional woman is represented are not only unavailable, but seen as dowdy and oppressive. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Everywhere I turn, the conventional family is subliminally degraded and along with that a time-honored display of feminine contribution.
So, let me get this straight. A man can be a woman, have babies, and a woman can use a machine gun without a second thought (or emotion), but a woman cannot be a stay-at-home mother in a classic marriage and devote herself to her children.
Again, my head is in the toilet.
I Don’t Matter, You Do
One of my heroes is my grandmother, Mildred (we called her Mickey). She cooked over a wood stove, grew her own fruits and vegetables, cut the head off the chicken for dinner, and raised 3 boys with little to no help from my grandfather. She was tough, loving, and knew how to give you a piece of her mind. And, boy, did she make a mean apple pie. I can still smell it.
Without Mickey, my dad wouldn’t have become the amazing, kind, and committed man that he is. She was adored and valued, even if grandpa never really saw her. I’m not saying those days were better, on the contrary, I am saying we are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. As a single mom with two grown daughters, my goal was that they become self-sufficient, strong, and clear minded women who can make good choices.
Now that I am on the other side of that momentous task, who am I? Am I valued as an older woman with a wealth of life experience ready to share what I know to those around me? Or, for example, would a company rather hire someone with less life-experience that will do the job for not only less money (because they are younger), but with less pushback.
Because I will push back, I have learned my value.
Which begs the question, why as a society are we compulsively devaluing the bedrock of our children’s support system, and systematically telling them not to follow in our footsteps? We are telling them they have options, but not the option to be regular. They can fabricate (or define) their sex, their gender, and their appearance with the applause of others, but these options also can communicate the “you are not enough as you are” message.
A qualifying statement: this isn’t about sexual orientation. It’s about the minimization of a classical female archetype. Love whom you love, create the life you were born to live. I applaud authenticity at every level, what I do not applaud is the obvious discredit of the traditional family.
Love the Mirror
What can we do?
For starters, pull your head out of the toilet, and eat a cheeseburger (or something like that). Then go to the mirror, look into your eyes and repeat: I love you (your name), about 20 times. While you do this, put both hands on your throat, because the throat is not only where your voice is located, it is the center of change in the body. Find your voice, find your love. While self-love is not a catch-all solution, it is a starting point in developing personal value.
The world is trying to tell you that you are not valuable, and it is a lie. The only way out of this debacle is for each one of us to give voice to values like equality, justice, and of course, love. No one can tell you who you are, but that doesn’t stop them from trying.
Let’s Reflect Together:
Why do you think we are so willing to backtrack on our own personal values because we are not meeting supposed expectations? Because we are not ‘fabricated’ enough? If you found your voice in this moment, what would you communicate to those around you? Can you love all and in turn be loved and accepted by those same people? What does equality for females look like now?
Tags Empowerment
The big mistake of second wave feminism was offering that women would work full time without asking anything in return: No shorter work week for both partners, no paid maternity leave, etc. Instead we got this Faustian bargain where women worked full time and took the Second Shift as child rearers and housekeepers. And if you’ve taken basic Economics, you know what happens when you double the supply: The price drops. In this cases, real wages fell to the point where running a household required two full-time jobs (plus the Second Shift for the woman). All for the sake of being able to have our own credit cards without asking a man’s permission. We aimed too low.
Hi Stella, WOW, I love what you said; we aimed too low! We sure did. I also have read that the breakdown of the family stems from women being exhausted and overworked, while men are still told they are the the kings of the world. (Not every man is like this of course.) Now we have the families decimated, women are still worn out, and we are still minimized because we age. The control of women is at the heart of many cultures, and ours does it by telling us we are not enough.
First I want to say I think your article address the complexity of how society views aging women. We can change how we see ourselves.
I do want to say I was very disappointed in you using the byline of Are we Bi-Polor? It was meant in a derogatory reference in an article about not being degraded. I don’t think you really understand that diagnosis, or it’s symptoms. I suggest you get to know someone with this illness and I think you negative remarks will change. As you said. “Can we love all and in turn be loved….”.
Let’s start now and include mental illness.
Hi Janice, I appreciate your insights in my choice of words. I’m sorry my words were inappropriate and offensive. In context, I meant that society has crazy mixed messages that are contradictory and mess us up.
OMG! Bravo! This needs to be prominently posted on every social media app and glamazon magazine website! You articulated what all women of every age need to hear. Brilliant!
Hi Karen, Thank you so much! I was nervous to write it, and it went through MANY revisions so I could hopefully articulate the truth of our world. Thank you for commenting.
Hi,
I find your article hard to follow. You are a makeup artist and complaining that women want to look younger? What is makeup for then? Seems a bit hypocritical. Also, historically, women homemakers were too often powerless in most other aspects of their lives, so thinking you over romanticized this a bit. Wanting equal opportunity in education, economics, business, sports, reproductively, etc., is the goal of the women’s movement. Letting a woman choose her lifestyle (including being a stay at home mom), rather than doing what society expects, is the hallmark of feminism.
Thank you.
Hi Clara, I’ve worked in the beauty industry as a model, makeup artist, and now a writer. I became very tired of the intense pressure placed on women to look perfect through any means necessary, while men could have big belly’s and look awful. Because of this, I became intensely pro-aging. I feel strongly that whats important here is that women can choose what they want to look like, careers, and lifestyle without our consumer culture telling them they are not enough.
Great, GREAT article! . . . I was a stay-at-home mother with four children, when my first husband left me . . . and then I went to college while in my 30s. I felt I had to do so, because I needed an education to pursue a career. Just as I was finishing college (around the age of 40), I met my wonderful second husband – and again, I became a stay-at-home mother. After 17 years of marriage, my second husband died . . . and here I am, almost 10 years’ later, still single – my children are all grown – and I honestly don’t feel valued in the world. I’m an aging widow . . . and while there’s nothing wrong with that, and I’m not whining about it, I clearly don’t feel that I am a valued part of the world, anymore.
Hi Amy, I appreciate your response to my article! Your story is so familiar with women who have given their lifeblood to family and life and then walk around with little to know apparent value in society. It pisses me off. Having experienced similar happenings, I think it’s time we stood up.
Oh Amy … I feel you. I am 82 years old and feel so young. I feel like I can hike, bike and swim. But it seems to me like social media has me ready to kick the bucket. I just don’t feel valued either. But to hell with them!