What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
I’m at an impasse with my daughter for the last 33 years. Still love and miss her a great deal. She says she doesn’t feel safe in my presence. It all stems from an accusation by her that both my deceased husband and I had sexually abused her when she was about 4-5. This never occurred. NEVER! I believe she is a victim of False Memory Syndrome, which was all started by her then therapist. A very misguided individual. I’ve tried to connect with her a number of times and although she is very gracious and polite she has refused because she doesn’t feel safe. I have accepted the situation but miss her so very much.
It’s far more likely that someone else sexually abused her around that age (hard to remember clear things consistently at such a young age. But can often remember feelings and general impressions they got).
I’d guess a babysitter, grandparent, aunt/uncle, or religious leader perhaps. Someone that she might remember being told to think of and obey/trust as if they were her parents and then it kinda stuck in her head that this person is my mom/dad and they did this and i should trust and obey them because of their status.
I’ve had similar issues attributing certain events to parents that actually came from babysitters or teachers. Usually just specific complaints or abusive phrases.
There’s also the possibility that your husband did do something that you didn’t know about and unintentionally supported him, but she ended up feeling like it was more joint then it was. Or the possibility that she vaguely remembers something that made her uncomfortable and that she may have misinterpreted but didn’t really talk about in a timely enough way for it to not become traumatic. (at around 4 not unlikely to be something related to a toilet accident/training, bathing, health checks for infections or worms, or even clothes fittings).
In my case, my dad doesn’t remember sexually abusing me when i was 12. Cause he was on Ambien and half knocked out at the time. And because he doesn’t remember it, it must never have happened and i must have no real reason to not trust or respect him that much, want him reading my personal online communications, or have any valid reason to feel uncomfortable with him and his conservative possessiveness of my “teen girl” sexuality and other such aspects of his nature in general (let alone scapegoating trans people, like me, for things like CSA). Because obviously I’m just making it up as an “excuse” to be “ungrateful” “entitled” and “hateful”.
Regardless of which situation actually occured, you’re more likely to have luck by acknowledging her perspective and traumas as real and valid, While also letting her know that you don’t remember what she might be talking about and asking her if she could share any kind of details
Why blame the parent? My daughter is narcissistic. She has mental issues. Life is all about het. She has to be the center of attention. If she’s not, she creates chaos to bring the attention to her, claiming to be the victim. She tried to control my life, telling me who I could be friends with, who I could date. Making sure I babysat my grandchildren every weekend so she could grocery shop, go shopping, socialize with her friends, citing her children were a pain. Given I love my grandchildren, and, love spending time with them, creating that wonderful grandchild/grandparent special bond(which my daughter became extremely jealous of). She became a user, tossing our relationship out in order to show her high class friends that she was just as important. She didn’t hesitate to tell me how she used her in laws as babysitters after she got mad at them for going on a cruise and they hadn’t discussed their vacation plans with her, only their son, her husband. She didn’t speak to them for some time, then, decided to use them. Her exact words. Now, since I wrnt on a trip, didn’t discuss my plans with her, she had not spoken to me in 5 years. Even slammed her front door in my face citing I was irresponsible for going on that trip. To this day, I’m forbidden to see my grandchildren. And, when she sees me out in public, literally runs in the other direction. Will turn her head the opposite direction if she a passenger in a car. Now, if that isn’t the behavior of someone who is guilty! She very immature for a 43 year old. Oh when she slammed the front door in my face, my grandchildren witnessed that! What loving mother displays that kind of behavior in front of their children? Or even tells their children to their faces, they are a pain? And going to pack their suitcases so they can live with me, their grandmother? And when her inlaws visit their daughter and family, tells her children……see they love your cousins more that’s why they aren’t here with you!
So, my point is, don’t blame parents when it’s adult children who have the issues, try to control parents, inlaws when they lose control
Did you know that NPD is genetic and is triggered to manifest by long term trauma, especially in childhood?
Lots of narcassitic parents try to DARVO without even recognizing which forms of trying to demonize their kids throws up red flags for everyone who knows anything about mental health and/or toxic or complex family structures
So, have you met her fsther?????
So, Mae, your an expert? Do you have a psych degree? Are you a licensed psychologist? Or psychiatrist?
Would love to see something that includes more about abusive adult children who, due to mental illness and substance abuse, choose to painfully sever relationships with their family. This article was a little biased for me.
I wonder what the most common root cause is for those “mental health issues” (as most, including addiction, are genetic and/or environmental and pretty much none just pop up out of nowhere.).
I bet those adult children just chose to be unhealthy out of nowhere for no reason at all and definitely not at all related to how they were parented.
Well, perhaps it has nothing to do with parenting at all. It’s more like all this social media garbage they’re addicted to. They can’t get past it, or their cell phones, tablets.
😀 You people will reach to blame ANYTHING but yourselves
Bayley, what a response, “you people”.
Are you on your cell phone all day long? Do you have a wonderful relationship with your parents, siblings?
Seems as if blame is only on a parent… Could it be selfish narcissistic children.. when we as parents object or defend ourselves we are blamed even more. Best for us to do is let them go their own way understanding that if you have thought many hours on what you may have done and see very little reason for bad treatment from your children then respect their wishes. Always continued love and best wishes. Children are not our possessions and owe us nothing for doing our duty as parents.
Children learn behavior and attitudes from somewhere. Primarily their parents who serve as primary role models for adult behavior, relationships, and behaviors towards others and the world.
And NPD is genetic/inherited from parents. (It also is triggered into manifesting by long term childhood trauma).
This is very painful. My relationship with my daughter has always been difficult since she was a teenager. His father was never there and let them down many many times. I am the one who is distancing as I cannot take so much disrespect . I cannot make her love me if she does not want me too. But it hurts very much.