What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
FAQ – Understanding Adult Children Estrangement
1. What is estrangement, and how common is it?
Estrangement refers to cutting off contact or maintaining minimal contact with emotional distance between family members. It has become increasingly common, with more resources available for those experiencing it to recognize unhealthy patterns and decide on separation.
2. Why do adult children choose estrangement?
Adult children may choose estrangement due to various intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily issues. These include personality conflicts, unresolved childhood trauma, lack of acceptance, abusive relationships, or influence from third parties.
3. What are intrapersonal issues that contribute to estrangement?
Intrapersonal issues involve personality traits or mental health challenges in a parent, such as narcissism, immaturity, or being unsupportive of the child’s identity (e.g., sexuality, gender, or religion). These issues can lead to a strained relationship and eventual disconnection.
4. What are interfamily issues?
Interfamily issues stem from external forces, such as conflicts involving a divorced parent’s new relationships or pressure from a spouse to create distance. These factors can disrupt the parent-child bond and lead to estrangement.
5. How do intrafamily issues impact relationships?
Intrafamily issues, such as childhood abuse, family conflict, favoritism, or parental alienation, can severely harm the parent-child relationship. Adult children may recognize these patterns as detrimental and choose to prioritize their well-being by stepping away.
6. Why is adult-child estrangement more prevalent today?
A reduced stigma around mental health and therapy has empowered adult children to reflect on their circumstances and prioritize their happiness. They may feel less obligated to maintain relationships that don’t benefit their well-being, especially if they feel disrespected or unsupported.
7. What steps can parents take to reconcile with estranged adult children?
Reconciliation often begins with understanding and empathy. Parents can benefit from acknowledging their role in the estrangement, validating their child’s perspective, and focusing on healing through open communication or professional support.
8. How can parents cope with the pain of estrangement?
Coping strategies include seeking therapy or support groups, focusing on personal growth, and finding ways to nurture their well-being. Acceptance and self-reflection can also help parents process their emotions and move forward constructively.
9. Are there any resources for parents and adult children dealing with estrangement?
Yes, books like Rules of Estrangement by Dr. Joshua Coleman and support groups can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these complex relationships. Therapy is also a helpful tool for both parties to work through their challenges.
10. Is it possible to reconcile after years of estrangement?
Reconciliation is possible, but it requires willingness and effort from both parties. A professional mediator or therapist can help facilitate discussions and address unresolved issues for families open to healing.
Here is a list of more articles that discuss the topic of estrangement:
- Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Estrangement: A Mother’s Journey
- How to Deal with Having an Estranged Adult Child
- How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity
- The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
- How Estranged Mothers Can Find Acceptance and Healing
- Sounds of Silence – How to Relate to Your Emotionally Distant Son
- Letting Go as a Mom of Grown Children: Is There Ever a Time When Detachment Is a Healthy Idea?
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
One more thing. As an adult I went to my mother and apologized for my behavior as a child growing up. I was mean and disrespectful and uncaring and lazy at time and expected my mother to give me everything I wanted. I didn’t care that she had 4 other kids, a husband, a job etc. I was sometime a real unhelpful uncooperative brat!
it made all the difference in our relationship. I owned my part. Because we all have a part. No one is perfect.
In situations where the wife does not get along with her in-laws, the husband is much more likely to engage in what I call “performative masculinity,” a visible demonstration of aggressive and protective behavior for the theater of his wife. In such cases, it’s not unusual for relatively small mistakes or insensitivities on the part of the parents — behaviors that a healthier person would consider annoying but forgivable — to be labeled as enormous betrayals that must be strongly prosecuted.
our daughter was acting completely normal and one day we woke up to a note saying shes leaving and never coming back she didnt tell us where she was for like a week and it was in florida we live in kansas she had a job at walmart getting her college paid for she had another job at subway and she quit both jobs and went to a girl friends house she grew up with in ohio they live together in florida now and refuses to answer our texts or calls and leaves on open on all social media platforms we are absoutely crushed and she acts as if she dont have a care in the world we have no idea what to do she wont talk to both parents or her little brother who is 15 they had a bond out of this world we are at a loss for words to be honest any help would be greatly appreciated thank you ahead of time.
Hi Harold,
Seems there is a lot of information missing in your story. But one thing is clear that your adult daughter wants her own life without you.
It is best to respect her boundaries, irregardless of whether you think she is right or not.
People dont just up and cut their parents from one day to the next. Even with the worst parentals, most people choose to stay and endure whatever abuse/dysfunction.
So for someone to ✂️ cut ✂️ their parents off takes a lot. Many try to communicate crucial things for years and years to their parentals before finally giving up and moving on.
Adult children and parents can become estranged if the relationship was a close one. If the adult child feels hurt or anxious about something the parent did or said, they may choose flight instead of fight to help them deal with their problem. If the estrangement lasts, the parent may get angry. Choose empathy, love and understanding. Generally, if there’s not been abuse or extreme trauma, or if they just cannot stand your ‘new’ spouse’ and need to separate, the relationship can be restored. The parent should respect the space, but occasionally reach out to affirm the adult child with love because basically, they both want a restored relationship. Pray, pray, pray for healing! And meanwhile parent, take care of yourself!
Hi Laila
Thanks for posting. I know meant well and you meant to provide a word of encourage ment.
You state ” The parents shoild respect the space, but occassionally reach out…”
This is the very problem. If an ADULT has made a decision to cut you off it is an invasion of their boundaries. It is NOT respecting their decision. Legally, it is considered harrassment and stalking.
Pray, hope, cry, rage, affirm, etc all on your time and in your own space. Stop hoovering, harrassing and trolling your ADULT sons/daughters. Accept reality as it is and stop trying to circumvent another ADULT’s will, decision and boundaries.
It will only make those adults dig in their decision even more. Move on and start respecting your ADULT sons and daughters decision to live their lives on their own terms without you. Stop trying to crawl back like a pest.
Thanks again for posting. I know you meant well but I had to chime in about respecting space and what that really actually means.
Hi Frank:
I appreciate your weighing in on so many comments in this article. From my research and clinical experience, there is one thing that is certain: not every strategy, piece of advice, or comment works in every case. The problem is that we have huge biases because of our personal experiences. Not all adult children think the same way you do about this topic. Some adult children who have not said “absolutely no contact” are not bothered by the occasional checking-in that parents do. Those who have had little contact hope to one day reconcile, and the minimal checking-in is a reminder of the value of a relationship with their parent. Again, there is no one way and no right way.
Hi Marie,
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate your research and clinical experience on this subject. No doubt you have worked very hard to research and to try understand this topic.
However, nothing beats first hand experience. Having looked up the meaning of estrangement- the core definition is the idea of cutting someone off and separation from a person or group.
It is a definitive action. It means the person does NOT want contact.
You mention adult sons/daughters who may be ok with limited contact. This would not qualify as estrangement as per your article title. Instead, this falls under limited contact.
Limited contact is not the same as estrangement, although many make the mistake of using the two interchangeably.
Further, I notice that you continue to use the term “adult child”, which is an oxymoron. A child cannot be an adult. Your use of this term adds to the infantilaztion of grown adults. It certainly gives license to those who are already infantilizing their Adult sons/daughters and really does not help the situation.
You as a professional with all the research and all the clinical experience would be aware of this and the language and vernacular you are using.
We are speaking of grown ADULT sons and daughters – not “adult children”. The language and words someone uses, inuding mental health professionals reveals a lot about their lack of awareness and their overall disposition.
Futhermore, estrangement , unlike limited contact , means that the Adult son or daughter does NOT want any contact with the parent. Nor do they want flying monkeys , minions, and third parties to contact them. It is illegal to harrass/stalk anyone who does not want contact with you. There is only one way to handle this – which is to obey the law and leave people alone.
If you are a parent and you have been told that your son or daughter doesnt want contact with you then respect the law. I have seen people ignore and try to hoover despite already being told only to have a restraining order placed on them by a judge. So we had better be careful as to what is encouraged as I am sure you wouldnt want your audience to get slapped with a Civil Harrassment order.
Civil Harrassment orders are public and can affect a person’s job/carreer as well as housing and a number of other things.
Marie, I appreciate all your time and effort in writing the articles, as well as responding. I think this is good as it gives everyone an opportunity to speak and bring awareness to certain things that are often overlooked and minimized.
Hi Laila:
Thank you for writing and adding to the conversation regarding adult-child and parent relationships. An exciting piece of research is about how adult children soften in their perspectives as they age. Also, many adult children do want a relationship with their parents. The topic is so complex that there can be many variables, and not every action is appropriate for every parent or adult child. I appreciate you sharing here.
Estrangement
My ES’s GF I think has a lot to do with my Son being estranged from his family. She has been absolutely nasty to me for no reason. She said that my son doesn’t need his mommy anymore. So hurtful.