What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
My daughter has made my life a misery for two years.Whilst refusing to engage to discuss or resolve anything. Since she was challenged about owed money she has thrown allegations of “childhood issues” at me. At 32 this was never mentioned until her cash cow mother stopped providing. Now she is a daddy’s girl as he works on her newly purchased house at his expense. Before this he was the bad guy.Now I am the demon. She was always referred to as “the princess” it is my fault on reflection. I have finished grieving now it’s over after 3 attempts to build bridges.
Sounds like she has parents that only really provided for her materially and perhaps more than the average parent due to not actually being around to provide quality time, engagement, and the kind of nurturing support that a growing child actually needs from parents. And now the parents resent the impersonal material provider role they chose to on.
I know my father wanted to be a Disney dad and use gifts to get out of paying child support. could never be bothered to be in the same state for my birthday (even the day I was born).
Could never be bothered to live within 3 states of me despite easily being able to transfer his job to a location 50 miles away from me and having no actual ties to the place he chose to transfer to when discharged from the military.
Excluded me from 3/4 of his weddings. Was never around for any of my events, let alone everyday life. Made it clear he hates everything about me (afab, from a mixed race family, queer, low income, leftist, pro bodily autonomy, anti authoritarian etc), made light of all the abuses (including sexual) he knew I was victim of often blaming me for it/siding with the abusers (I mean what’s more legit than corrective rape?).
But you know he’d always point to the new computer, gaming system, camera, tv, disney vacations etc as evidence of his “love” and “support”
And now he’s shocked that the only interest i have in a relationship with him is financial in nature. And no doubt he thinks that’s how I am with “everyone” and that it has nothing to do with how he excluded me from from his concept of family or my concept of closeness.
But yeah when a parent chooses to provide money instead of a relationship when the relationship is far more important, the child will become angry and feel abandoned when said parent feels entitled to a relationship (when the child actually does need money/material support more) and also decides they need to be repayed or are some kind of victim in the situation because of how “used” they are.
I see this and have had a some experience in this area
I agree it’s not always the parents. My ex husband remarried a woman who’s manipulating, controlling and has tore our family apart. Turning brothers/sisters against one another and myself. I addressed this directly with my ex requesting that she stops interfering. His reply was he won’t. Some of the children know what’s happening but the others are knave. Due to this women’s interference I now have been cut out of their and my grandchildrens life which was devastating. I went and had counselling and learnt this is out of my control
Fortunately I now live my best life for myself. I forgive but it still hurts.
An entire comment section full of parents who have no contact/relationship with their children or grandchildren playing victim and bitterly criticizing them. Ridiculous. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
And please know you are in the minority. You lie to your peers about your relationship with your children because you know it’s embarrassing to not know anything about your kids because you’ve been out of their lives for so long.
I’m sure you are envious when you see your peers being adored and loved by their children, who CHOOSE to have them in their lives. But at the end of the day, no matter how much you deny it publicly, the onus is on you to do some introspection on why your own children do not like you as human beings.
How unfair and Cruel is your comment as you cannot generalize all situations. Not all parents are guilty as it is a two way relationship.
Maybe we are all here not “whining” as you say. .. but maybe it’s such a stigmatized subject that we came here for some support because no matter how the situation came to be, it’s still very hurtful to be in the situation and sometimes we just need to know we aren’t alone, hiding from the world and our own lives, crying in the dark, wishing we could raise our kids all over again with the knowledge and patience we have now so please don’t be so hard on people you don’t know and please don’t judge what you haven’t lived no matter who is to blame the heat break is the same
What support do you seek?
Apparently, NONE of you have done anything wrong to warrant such a response from your children. And they are completely impossible to not want to deal with you for whatever unknown reason for which you are not at fault lol. Madness.
That’s not a person receptive to advise to deal with estrangement. That’s a combative person looking to blame everyone else before doing the work to improve themselves.
Erica, you obviously have lived experience which makes your perspective important for those of us trying to understand what went wrong. You struck a nerve and I had to reflect on why that was. None of us are perfect. Everyone of us has a different story but what we ALL have in common is we hurt. I respect my child’s agency and right to make the decions he feels necessary for his family, even if it hurts me. What I don’t understand is the casual cruelty of simply ghosting, without explanation. Have we lost our ability to have adult conversations?
I see it from both perspectives. I am caregiver for my 91 yo father. We have very different outlooks and very different values. He is a product of his time – he had no interest in his kids and what involvement he did have was critical. I carry the scars to this day, and struggle mightily with my responsibilities to him. But it my darkest hours, I could not bring myself to abandon him completely. Perhaps that, too, is generational.
I have a theory that we parent in direct opposition to how we were parented, recognizing we only know what we know from our limited life perspective. We expand that knowledge by listening to other’s lived experience and recognizing that we really know nothing about anything. Please continue to help us understand!
And that’s your foolishness, standing by and supporting a parent who you admit had no interest in you out of some moral obligation that does not exist.
Your child is the smart one, here. Not you.
They know they don’t owe you anything. Which includes a relationship if you’re not the type of person to show them any love, care or support. Why on earth should you reward cold apathy with undying loyalty? You sound unbelievable.
Ummm… so she obviously is the “type of person to show them any love, care or support” she demonstrates that by taking care of an elderly father. She shows respect for differences by recognizing her father was raised in a different time with different values. Instead, you think she should be someone that’s intolerant of anything that doesn’t align with her thinking? or expectations of how someone should behave? Otherwise, you label her as foolish? Or not smart? How about accepting people as they are? Everyone else has to accept you as you are. Or is that only a one-way street?
Sadly, Erica is her own punishment. I am sorry for that. What an odd topic to troll.
So when someone disagrees with your standpoint, it’s “trolling?”
Hon, go create something positive with your existence. Since being a doted-on parent is already scratched off the list.
Who cares?
She doesn’t deserve a medal for being a parent OR long-suffering child. Nor will she receive one at the end of this life.
The irony will be glaring if she lives until the point of her father, unable to care for herself and knocking on death’s door. And the child she admonishes on here will not be there to do the same. Reality will hit ferociously. It won’t be pretty, either.
Respect is the two-way street. Your status as parent doesn’t equate to you being revered regardless of your performance as one.
That’s how enmeshment and trauma bonding works. The older you are the harder it is to break. Plus the social norms were way more shaming and duty focused on the child/victim.
I don’t exactly blame them for it. At least until they start feeling like they’re suffering and choices to sacrifice for their awful parents means other people are obligated to do the same. Or trashing younger generations for daring to break these cycles. Then i get super critical
Some parents do parent by opposite. But not all. That tendency comes from those who know they had a terrible often traumatic childhood, but do not seek out therapy or much information about ideal parenting styles and choices (especially not from a diverse perspective, synthesizing the things that are in common with many perspectives and centering those that match your values while also learning from the mistakes of styles that you already know are flawed or incomplete on their own, adjusting specifics to the individual needs and learning styles of their kids).
Other options include just following what your parents did because you “turned out fine” “tradition” and general aversion or distrust of “new trends” that inevitably get blamed for whatever older generations don’t like about kids
(i once had a hair salon boomer blame blue hair and “the use of pronouns” on kids not being spanked enough…she didn’t like hearing the perspective of a blue haired they/them that was spanked so often and severely bones were broken. She didn’t like hearing about the mental health issues, the estrangement, the pointlessness of it, or the concept that everyone sees how bs and abusive the pro spanking pedophiles are but how most neurotypicals are simply too “polite” to publicly confront them on it. And he’s i consider them pedophiles because for decades we’ve known that spanking is purely negative for children and only serves to give the parents a release. By engaging in unconsenting kink with literal children. I’ve been molested by a few people as a child and spanked by some others. Spanking kids is willful and legalized pedophilia in my eyes, pure and simple).
Also the option of just not caring that much or actively using any particular style beyond what seems right or common in the moment
Agreed. I cut my mother out of my life after realizing she had been undermining me for decades to friends and family, just like she does everyone else. In all honesty this is how the woman lives her life, using half-truth and implication in every conversation to lead people to the conclusion that she is the victim of some other person. Then she appeals to the last person she painted as a villain by telling half-truths and making leading statements about someone else. When my grade school age child asked about a bunch of damaging lies ( including that my husband and I hated my youngest child) I knew it was time to end the relationship. Of course now she claims she has no idea why I cut her off. I didn’t read the entire comment thread so for all I know she’s one of the “innocent” parents in the thread.
They’re always innocent and perfect parents. The delusions run deep in these comments.
They’ll even weaponize their other children against the estranged one.
The children still tolerating them probably have less self preservation and a higher threshold for bs than the brave child who chose to walk away.
That’s not exactly true. In toxic family systems with multiple children it’s extremely common for different children to take on different roles.
Most notably the scapegoat is most likely to bear the brunt of the issues, acknowledge them, challenge the parents, and try to bean the cycle. They are the ones who end up estranged or at least as black sheep. Because others don’t experience toxic things as often or as severely as the scapegoat, ifs easier for them to brush off and treat as not that huge of a deal.
The golden child is the most likely to inherent narcassitic traits due to knowing their position is precocious and require them to maintain the ideal perfect image the parents expect of them. To never challenge, fight back, question, or deviate from expectations. And if/when the golden child is kicked to the side or even takes up the role of the scapegoat, they become confused. They can’t easily see the family system as the problem. They internalize strongly. And they seek at least an image of being perfect and immune from criticism in their own adult lives, often from their own children. (My golden bro turned scapegoat after i left. I knew it would happen cause it did every single time i visited my dad. I felt so bad for him. But i couldn’t stay anymore and he was the one to most vocally blame me for “all the problems in the family”. So it did hinder me from feeling TOO bad.)
The peacemaker is the one who tries to hold the family together and often tries to smooth over conflicts and get the scapegoat and the parents to talk and be civil or even at least pretend they understand each other. Often appealing to things like family unity or empathy. They have probably the hardest time breaking out and as adults usually end up as the “mom friend” or someone else who routinely sacrifices their own mental health or needs for every little issue someone else might have, often without even being able to identify or address their own needs or trauma.
Everyone experiences their parents differently from every other person, including siblings. And every person responds to trauma differently.
Or they have tons of privilege themselves. My parents tried the old “you are the only one of our kids who has a problem with how we raised you” line on me. Well, duh! Their vice is homophobia and I’m the only gay child. My siblings have a whole ton of privilege that enables them to “forgive” my parents for abuse that they personally never had to suffer.
You are being un compassionate. Please see my comment a few pages back.
I’m being a realist. And that goes against your narrative of demonizing your children.
Which no responsible loving parent would even think of doing in the first place.
Most of you are demonstrating precisely why your children don’t want anything to do with you.
Yours is judgment without any facts about particular situations. If your theory is correct, and these disheartened parents are such awful people in general, how can there be other adult children from those exact same families who get along great with and enjoy the parent’s company?
For now, until they wisen up and ditch you too.
You know, my parents asked me that when I told them what I didn’t like about their behavior. “If we are such bad parents, why are you the only one who has a problem with us?” I think that’s a very disingenuous kind of comment, and itself is indication that you are not acting in good faith. How can you not see that it’s dismissive? Someone is coming to you and saying, “you did x y z to me” and your response is not to examine your own behavior but rather to try to excuse yourself by saying “other people don’t have a problem with me doing that.”
In my own case, my parents are homophobes, which since I am gay hits me especially hard. My other siblings are not gay, so they aren’t as bothered by it. To me, this is obvious. It’s possible to wrong one person without wronging others.
Because everyone experiences trauma differently. Especially scapegoats and golden children or even peacemakers.
You are passing major judgements on people on this page. I for one am a step parent of 3 adult children. One has chosen to estrange herself after ghosting her father and myself. I know she desired her siblings to do the same and when they refused SHE is the one suffering and silent. My largest regret is for her my husband. I know she has grieved his heart. She is also depriving her children of grandparents which is so sad.
Life is so very short. You cannot generalize who is entirely at fault for these situations. Relationships are about growth and forgiveness and sometimes hard conversations are necessary.
Yup, I am judging you all as you judge and criticize your children. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Erica, I find your comment very judgmental. There’s all different scenarios which cause a breakdown in relationships. I know I’ve been a good mother who doesn’t explain myself to anyone. You can be the best mother/ father however outside influences which is out of our control can affect relationships. I’m very close to 2 of my children. The other adult child I don’t see however I still continue to love/ forgive send cards and presents with no expectations. She walks her own path. Love is unconditional. It’s obvious you haven’t walked in other people’s shoes and I hope you never have to.
And I really don’t care how you take my comment. I said what I meant.
Want some advice, Erica? Reparent yourself. Seriously, it’s great therapy. I didn’t get everything I needed from my ‘rents, nor does anyone else. Give yourself what you need, because everyone (and I mean everyone) will disappoint you at some point. Look, I understand that parents need to look at their shit & own up to it. I know I have. I too think if a parent is “clueless” that they haven’t done any work. I agree with you, but not completely 100% either.
I’m not asking for agreement. You volunteered it.
Listen…the responses on here are aligned with what I have always known about people in general. Most people don’t apologize because they lack accountability. They don’t admit fault because their egos are more important than their supposed “loved ones” well-being.
These are the reactions of human beings who lack emotional intelligence and maturity. Which is not in short supply.
Erica:
I am writing to you about your responses to posts.
It is my hope that you and I can come to an understanding.
Erica, my mission is to bring awareness to estranged individuals by presenting research as well as expert suggestions on how to move forward.
Many of the readers struggle with their situation and have varying degrees of insight. As far as challenging topics, this is the case for many people.
I attempt to provide a non judgemental atmosphere because my hope is that individuals will feel attracted towards personal change.
From my research, change is what the estranged are looking for.
Maybe you would agree that angry, aggressive, and mean statements are not how individuals would communicate if they are hoping to spread change.
In my professional opinion, using any type of derogatory language harms people.
Erica, I am politely asking you to consider your responses to those who write. Many of them are struggling and I believe you would agree that working towards improved relationships for the estranged is better done with the same type of responses you would like from others.
Thank you for checking in Marie, you are correct in your feedback to Erica (and Magic). I support your mission of informing and guiding; and I can see how Erica’s style undermines the hard work you are trying to do to inform and assist with healing and reconciliation.
Thanks Maria for your input. Most of us on this subject are doing the best to deal with abandonment which is painful. We are seeking compassion and guidance. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion however we don’t need to be attacked further.
Thanks for providing a platform that we can share and grow 🙏
What if we applied Pareto’s rule to both parties, the child and the parent? 80% of the time our efforts can be fruitless, 20% of our efforts produce the most results.
Neurotic parents and neurotic children are not evil…but they can make a lot of misses and be deeply confused; and hurt that the other person “does not get how hard I am trying.”
Abusive, narcissistic parents (or drug addicted, acting out adult children) are not applied to this model.
I won’t make any further comments on your posts as I refuse to feed a negative, heartless person who judges and critizise people who you don’t know.
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
The tall tales of blameless ostracized sperm & egg donors is nauseating. It’s legitimately squeamish.
Parents who “don’t explain myself to Anyone” are never good parents. That’s just the reality of lacking accountability or willingness to acknowledge potential flaws. you just cannot be a good leader of any type with that attitude (or even a very good person in general).
And with parenting, kids need those explanations and context even more than most people that are expected to have any trust or anything for a leader. Especially if there’s issues of abuse or trauma
Erica you speak the truth!! Just look at these old narc hags getting upset at being read.
Another troll..
Susie, don’t mind these people. We as parents are innocent and owed allegiance and loyalty by default. We have done nothing wrong and it’s everyone else’s fault.
It’s these rotten snot nosed brats, ungreatful for being born.
It’s these rotten counselors , talking them into cutting us off.
It’s these rotten politics and governments, giving our kids bad ideas.
It’s satan the devil.
It’s ANYONE AND EVERYONE except us parents.
WE ARE BEYOND REPROACH.
Let’s put the blame where it belongs.
Blame it on the rain, yea yea
Blame it on the stars that shine at night
Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain, yeaaaa yeaaaaa
ISP:. Such a profound and polarizing post, deeply steeped in a deeply wounded soul whose pain can only find sarcasm and contempt as it’s voice.
Grace and peace to all the wounded hearts who visit here.
I’ve been estranged from my daughter for several years. Her father left when she was 8 y/o and I had to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I worked with her through therapy, horse back riding, gymnastics – exercise and being outdoors made her happy. But her father was distant; I was there so I got the flack – a lot. As she got older, job opportunities got better so I continued therapy and took classes on parenting. Her father was an MD and made time for her occasionally. Then he remarried and had other children and time was limited, according to him. My daughter had anger issues and I kept up therapy for both of us. My daughter had many friends and I encouraged her to have them at our home. The teen years were tense but we got through them. I really thought we were going to make it. She was doing well in school. I didn’t push her to be top student, I had grown up with that pressure. She seemed to be doing well through her 20’s and then she reached her 30’s and everything went badly. I didn’t have a clue what I had done. She told me I was a horrible mother and I needed to leave her alone. I asked her to talk to me – what did I miss? What did she need me to hear? She told me I was a joke; I was pitiful and not worth knowing. She said she had found her Dad and that was all she wanted – ever. So, that’s where it is. The memories only give me pain. I hope she will be happy. I hope she will be whole now.
Marie, you are grieving – and for good reason! Grief takes time for each person and it hurts! You have the right attitude, it appears. I cried for over ten yrs over something like this. I finally realized that I had some mental problems and got help. It’s interesting the varied methods and opinions that the different therapists had. I finally came to a point of piece – but it took a while. Your daughter is really the one that is losing out. She will figure it out – or not. Your first priority now is yourself and don’t let anyone steal your piece.
Thank you. I am in therapy and also have a Dr. To help me. I love my daughter, just don’t trust her or like her.. God bless you
Says no decent parent ever.
Thank you for your comments and insight. One thing I did not share was that last year I found our my youngest sister was instrumental in supporting my daughter’s belief that I caused my marriage to fail. I had 4 miscarriages before I had my daughter. I was so overjoyed when she was born. I felt whole. My ex began dating someone and left me for her, then married her. I never told my daughter this. She loved her Dad and was very hurt when he left. She was too young to understand at the time. I had abusive parents so I knew I had to do differently. That’s why I took parenting classes and had us both in therapy. It wasn’t until she was in her late 20’s that he reached out to her. Abuse takes many forms; sometimes it comes quietly like whispers in a dark room. The pain is still real but who truly sees bruises on the soul? I wish fair winds.
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately some children have short memories of what a parent does. She has now chosen to walk a different path. The most important thing that helped me was to forgive her when I felt pain and grief. Now you need to stop analysing and questioning yourself over her behaviour. She has the issues and being influenced by others. Live your best life for yourself by spoiling yourself. I believe nothing stays the same forever and hold onto the belief that one day will change
Thank you for your kindness and your time. I am sorry that you also have had a similar heartache. I have done my best to live a good life. Now my time is short and I’m on hospice. I am not angry with my daughter anymore. I found this site quite by accident. It helps to share with others. Maybe they will find answers here. Maybe they will find peace. I hope so. Your words help to heal. Thank you.
I’m sorry to hear your in hospice.
Now you need to put all your energy into yourself as your the most important person to care about yourself.
Unfortunately there is some selfish children out there who blame loved ones for their behaviour.
You’ve been a loving Mother doing the best you can. Find peace with all the people who love you.
Much love to you.
Your children don’t owe you anything. That includes a relationship if they feel it’s not beneficial to their own well-being.
No one forced you to choose parenthood. That was your own decision.
My heart goes out to you. You must have been terribly hurt and disappointed. Anger and pain are very difficult to carry every day. It eats at you and it makes it difficult to see any other way to live. I, too, was very angry growing up. Both my parents were alcoholics and verbally abusive. My father was physically abusive. My mom would apologize, he never did I was his favorite punching bag. I took it so my younger siblings didn’t have to. I found creating art, whether painting, drawing or writing, helped me. I was still an angry person. When I reached my 20’s my mom said she was getting help and she stopped drinking. Slowly we started talking and sharing. I learned about the abuse she and my dad had when they were growing up. I knew if I had children I’d need to learn better ways to parent. That is why I took parenting classes and was in therapy with my daughter. I explored ways to heal myself – exercise, yoga, art, keeping a journal, etc. It’s not for everyone but it helped me. I found compassion for myself and my mom and dad. My dad never said he was sorry and did not ask for forgiveness – but I gave it to him. It helped me to do so. I let go of that last bit of anger. I did not forget what he did but I had compassion for the child he was who became a damaged adult. I am not saying I have the answers. I am only saying we are the key to healing ourselves. Now I am dying and I am grateful I learned these things for myself. I love my daughter and truly hope she will find the way to being whole. I wish you well and hope you, too, will find your way to healing.
It sounds like she has many unmet needs as a child and probably clung to a fantasy about everything being so much better when her dad finally had some interest in her.
It’s possible she was unfairly lashing out due to unresolved childhood issues that she might not have even known were impacting her until recently. Even something as basic as the divorce itself. (If as a child you don’t think the divorce is a big deal it’s even more likely the therapy won’t do much to help. But with hindsight you can see how the divorce has impacted you and torn apart your family relationships and it can cause those bitter feelings to reemerge. This is especially true if divorce counseling emphasizes how both parents care and will always be there for the child etc and the child grows to feel abandoend later, finds it is a lie or at least not enough to actually meet their emotional or even material/physical needs).
I suspect that after some time she’ll have a more complex understanding and probably even feel bad about lashing out at you