What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
My step daughter, whom has ADHD took herself off of meds that were helpful in controlling her anxiety and emotions. This resulted in her separating herself from her mother and I over a minor issue that a rational person would easily solve
with conversation. Untreated mental illness in a child can be cause of a family separation and this is an example.
We are raising our granddaughter we have been since she was 8mo she will be 10 in a couple of months forgot to mention in my prior comment
Estranged from both my children our son is a recovering addict who refuses to take accountability for any of his actions including his addiction its always everyone else’s fault. This has put strain on our entire family.Our daughter met her partner now wife during this time she completely cut out all childhood friends dropped a full boat scholarship(went back on line to surprise us)then says we should thank her partner. Eventually cutting ties with us as expressed our concerns. Ive always been honest with my kids … My husband and I were teen parents we made a lot of mistakes our intentions were always good.My daughter’s wife is very manipulative stalking me on Social Media which Im newish to.My daughter has said things about us that are not true. That we are homophobic which when she came out to me I was very open minded and accepting of her. She says we are racist we are not, narcissistic abusers.Again not true. Her wife convinced her that she was broken and unable to recieve or give love to anyone. We are heartbroken completely devastated. The gaslighting and headgames is awful. Its been almost 2yrs the worst part in all of this is she has completely walked out on our granddaughter who has experienced abandonment from both parents now her Aunt with the exception of bday gifts and holiday gifts which she will leave outside on our porch. Its the worst feeling ever and while we can take accountability for our part she does not take any.
People never recognize the biases they show to others. To them it just seems normal, rational, and just a common sentiment/expression.
I do hope you asked her why she felt like you were being homophobic or racist or even self centered.
It could be that she meant something slightly different, like heteronormative (expecting her, pre coming out, to be heterosexual and framing her friendships or even sleep over limitations around the inevitability of hetero stuff going down. Small comments about future husbands, attracting men, gendered guidance on dating, or being “ladylike” can also play a role in that feeling).
For many the pressures of growing up in a heteronormative environment and feeling the pressure to actively “come out” to bat away those automatic expectations is exhausting and does feel like homophobia. If my brother doesn’t need to explain that he likes red heads in particular, why do I need to come on out and tell my parents that i like girls in particular? Why can’t I just be without their automatic assumptions causing problems and needing to be corrected in the first place? Why are they even so invested in who or what I find attractive? Why do they want brownie points for not disowning me after all those traumas and stresses of growing up under hetero normative expectations and pressures?
Simialr things happen with race and micro aggressions related to that. (My very “not racist” get out style mom loves white saviorism and often tries to connect with my queerness by telling me now she used to date black guys to piss her mom off. Just as an example of what that might look like). And really any other similar issue really has similar things that happen because the privileged classes have the privilege to be ignorant about how they are hurting others.
While I appreciate the intention and effort that went into writing this article, I found it overall to be rather annoying. I’m almost at the point of saying it does more harm than good.
These sentences caught my attention: Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties.
I disagree. With all respect, I don’t think the author really understands what can actually lead a person to choose to go No Contact with family members.
What is grueling is trying again and again and again and again to maintain one’s sanity and physical health in incredibly toxic environments. Reaching the point of saying, “Enough is enough” and then choosing No Contact came as a relief to me. It stopped the pointless pain of attempting to make relationships work with people who were completely unwilling or unable to behave in a respectful, considerate manner at the most basic level. It’s not nor ever has it been a blithe, “Gee, my happiness is just more important than my family!” It’s about, “I’m no longer letting these cruel, abusive people do all they can to destroy me.”
With all respect, I don’t sense that the author truly grasps what people who ultimately choose to go No Contact have been through.
I effectively took back my life. There have been moments of grief about not having a family unit, but I’ve healed from that and have absolutely no regrets about breaking free.
I’ve witnessed all the bizarre judgements and commentary on Prince Harry’s choice to tell the truth of his story in his memoir. What has been predictable and annoying has been the harsh criticism of him. It’s a classic mindset in this type of situation, in which a scapegoated family member has had enough and chooses mental health and leaves. Time will tell if those relationships will ever truly be reconciled, but I believe he’s doing a powerful service in highlighting what it can be like to be a scapegoat and to be brave enough to extricate oneself from a damaging situation.
I encourage others to take note of the criticism piled on him on the theme of how mean he’s been to the RF etc., etc. People who’ve been through anything remotely similar, in terms of being harshly scapegoated, will likely feel a ton of empathy and compassion for him and M.
For anyone considering going No Contact with narcissistic relatives or others, I recommend connecting with Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s YouTube videos. She really gets it and articulates the information beautifully and clearly. I find it to be more informative and supportive than what this article shares.
I disagree with ramani being a decent source for any kind of healing.
I also think this author means the choice to estrange comes from a place of deep pain, rather than they’re just choosing to hurt themselves and their family. More of an “everyone suffers from these situation, not just the parents who “feel abandoned””.
Though i do get how it can be ambiguous and perhaps easy for malicious types to use against their victims.
Yeah this author walks a tight rope. I feel like their audience is a bunch of Boomers, who tend to be self-absorbed, entitled, and just plain godawful parents the majority of the time. And this author knows their audience and is pretty much trying to coax them into understanding that there are reasons for the estrangement and that they might just want to consider that they might have done something to hurt their child, but at the same time she has to soothe their egos. It’s a difficult tight rope to walk, and I feel like the adult children who tell their stories on this forum might be doing a better job. On the other hand, probably nothing at all will ever reach through to most of these people, because if their child going no contact on them isn’t enough to get them to see the light, probably nothing will.
My daughter uses drugs to treat her mental illness. When she’s using she goes ghost so as not to have us involved or get in her way. It’s a cycle and I’m so tired of it. Past 6yrs of estrangement then a close relationship. I have to think of myself at this point. She’s 24 I’m 62. I can’t control her only myself. It’s time for me to get off the merry go round, take care of me. But it’s still sad and I’m grieving.