What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
I can relate to the article, while I am not completely estranged from my only child, a 22 year old son, who now has a son of his own and another on the way. Our relationship is completely on his terms. I find it is heartbreaking to not be included in his life. I live alone and rarely see him though they only live 15 minutes away. I’ve participated in several of Dr. Coleman’s webinars.
It sad to see how many parents participate on a weekly basis- 60-75 ppl. I would like to see more studies of the why. I was a single mother and I couldn’t have done it without my parents.
I live with suicidal thoughts- I had a major depression at 50-he was only 10 and considered killing my self then, I pulled myself out and finished raising him. 0nly to be rejected and feel so unloved 10 years later. I am Not included in their lives like her parents are. I have friends but nothing hurts like the rejection from my son.
Sometimes it is more than I can stand.
My heart goes out to you, Beth. I too was a single mother, and there is nothing that is more difficult. If you have any guilt or regret, please forgive yourself, along with others who contributed to your son’s opinions Focus on finding your own happiness. Perhaps when your son sees your new state of mind, he will reflect on his choices and maybe see where he has made mistakes of his own. You have friends for a reason. They find you lovable and worthy. Now smile!
Your mental illness could have had a much larger impact on him than you thought. Even just on a genetic level.
And perhaps you said or did things in those states that you don’t really properly remember and likely didn’t think was so bad at the time (my mom for instance sounds a lot like like you when I hear what she tells others. But in reality any time i had any issues of my own. Especially if i tried to communicate my emotional and psychological triggers while everything is calm and i can do so without emotion…it would end in her screaming over me about how she’s going to kill herself and everyone obviously wants her dead and everyone would be better off if she just died. She tells me she didn’t remember that or any of the times she purposely misgendered me to create conflict and then lash out/punish me for reacting. Since she was pretending to be such a great ally for my non binary partner and all that more recently).
I’ve had dissociative episodes in extreme emotional states. Episodes where I’ve said things that make no sense or are incredibly cruel or even abusive. So i know it happens and have sympathy.
But i can at least admit to losing control and not really knowing and needing to do better. And i have learned to do better in her absence. Interacting with her tends to retrigger my more defensive adolescent brain that makes it so much harder to break these patterns. But a few years without contact and the dissociation had been gone for a while, my emotionality is easier to control, and it’s a lot easier for me to admit fault and try to fix things without getting stuck in a self destructive suicidal shame spiral.
There’s also the very likely possibility you were not the parent they needed as a child and don’t really see you as a parent at all as a result. Perhaps you were neglectful, dismissive, emotionally distant, adultified them/made them too responsible for managing your illness, or just weren’t able to be validating enough. Maybe your negative self talk came out and was internalized by them.
I also ask why is the parent the one to be blamed for the estrangement of the parent child relationship and it makes no sense to me even after all these years. I get that as parents we are supposed to be.loving and understanding, supportive of our adult children and I’m certain I have tried to be with my daughter as well. I’ve tried to see her perspective and tried to discuss the problems as I know them wit her before the estrangement took place however she chose to not want to talk about the problems, rationalize the problems that stood out and even defend her actions concerning the problems as she saw them. The entire problem began when she was younger, I wasn’t the greatest parent in the world I admit but I did make sure my kids were taken care of. I fell on hard times and eventually lost custody of my two youngest children and the state raised them I to adulthood. I was allowed to visit with them and bring them home for visits ECT but never regained complete custody of the kids. My daughter started telling people I had tied her up in some closet and had men raping her and I didn’t hear about it for many many years. I was never charged with any such crime not ever questioned about such a thing even. I don’t blame her as she was a child and apparently under the influence of a foster care mother who wanted to adopt but as I found out about this when she was an adult I did confront her with this situation. She did not deny it only defended the source of where I heard it from and decided to shut down. I wanted to talk about where she got these thoughts from, maybe go to counseling together or apart Initially but she wouldn’t hear of it . Infact she went on to become abusive verbally towards me, calling me all sorts of names and implying I was crazy ect. And finally I myself had to “disown” my daughter to save my own sanity along the way. Since then here and there she has contacted me specifically to ask about other family and then start in again with vulgar names, deplorable names and cuss me out in short paragraphs before muting or blocking me once done. I see now there is no getting past the many years of those around me in my community thinking it was possible I was some paedophile without my even being aware nor my daughter admitting at least she did infact state these lies about me or even apologize for the hell she has caused my person and reputation as a result. I am at peace now having come to terms.with knowing I have a daughter out there I cannot have a relationship with and grandchildren I will never be able to meet even knowing that I know the real truth even if she won’t admit it out loud in the end. There still is not day that passes where we do not miss her or that I do not love my daughter, wish things were different for us and we could have a relationship at some point but I’m also growing older in age and realize that her changing now is not gonna happen not is there time to repair the damage done from this lie she’s told.aside for m this I feel i can never trust her again nor allow her to find more reasons to be so outright disrespectful towards me. By the way my other children do not agree with her idea of being tied in a closet and raped by men and see it for what it is, a lie. This also has caused her to become isolated from other family members of ours. I feel bad for her and still try to convince the kids and other family to include her in their lives but I know for me that is not a possibility in my lifetime. So yeah estrangement isn’t always the child’s choice or even the parents idea of a good time but it does happen in life.
Cause the issues start in childhood (yes even the ones where the parents hate their child’s personality, values, drug use, “narcissism” etc. Those traits don’t just appear in a teen/young adult out of nowhere after nearly 2 decades of appropriate behavior modeling and home environments). The parents have all the autonomy and responsibilities for the relationship for the first decade and a half at the bare minimum. And also the parents are the adults 20+ years older than the children (in most cases) who most certainly had time and warning to at least try to learn how to be better and healthier parents.
Whereas the kids just kinda end up how their parents made them until they can really make their own decisions and thus be held responsible for them and have the time, distance, or cognative development required for them to be reasonably judged for their personality, behavioral issues, needing to take responsibility for mental health/the environmental factors that impact it or the like.
At least age 26 or 5 years living fully independently (usually whichever is first. Except in cases of bad codependency where even well into adulthood the parents keep treating the adult child like an actual child that can’t make their own decisions, or take on adult responsibilities, or otherwise become independent)
Also it might help your case if you admit that she might not be “lying”. She could be confused mistaking a story she heard about for something she experienced (especially if she had nightmares about it). Or perhaps something like that did happen to her but she doesn’t accurately remember the people involved or actively deny it’s someone she may have had a similar but perhaps stronger parental bond with.
You say you “weren’t the best parent” and the state had to step in. That’s incredibly vague and it’s also possible early childhood trauma from you did influence the kinds of mental stories and images she, and Any foster parents, might have of you.
Just because others disagree, don’t remember it, or don’t believe it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And just because it didn’t happen doesn’t mean she doesn’t think or feel like it did.
It seems like you got more defensive than supportive. More trying to clear your name than understand how and why she feels that way. And more about making sure people know you’re not what she says you are, than you are concerned about the possibility that she was heavily abused in that way under the foster care system.
She’s definitely right to avoid that kind of “parental” relationship that starts with abuse and ends in self centered invalidation and even Public attacks over some incredibly personal trauma she likely does experience
Thank you Sasha. I can so relate to you and your experience esp the misgendering
I would suggest that you read your post from an external point of view. In your post I can identify many of the same reasons that I estranged from my mother. Just the tone of your post brings me to realization of why your daughter may be where she is now.
On another note, I have to say that estrangement isn’t easy for the adult child who has made the decision to do so. It often takes many years and a lot of therapy. I estranged from my mother 25 years ago, which also meant I lost that whole side of my family. I lost a brother and a father who must side with her or suffer her wrath in their own way. The grieving process that we go through is deep and long. It is the loss of the childhood we didn’t have, the parental love and care we didn’t have, the mother/daughter relationship that we see others having (father/son, father/daughter, mother/son,) the loss of or never having familial connection, our own mental health and esteem stemming from childhood and beyond…the list of losses are overwhelming. As adult children we have had to pick up pieces and find other pieces to replace the missing ones to assemble a life for ourselves. If we are diligent, have support and a little luck, we make it out and break the cycle.
Oh this is rich!
You don’t know why parents are blamed despite the fact that your children were placed in foster care and you never regained custody of them. The state thinks you were an unfit parent, and you think your kids should come to a different conclusion?
Yes, of course. This seems a one sided exercise that has had a lifetime in duration, however. Our culture puts the onus and expectations on parents…and this, without end. In my experience, What isn’t listed here as causal is intergenerational trauma. I’ve be on both sides of this, periodically having to estrange my narcissistic mother (which I should have done permanently to protect my self), and recently being estranged by my son, his wife and my new grandbaby. As a child of a narcissist, I was the empath, andI have strived to love, listen and support my son unconditionally, which up until this holiday, he would have told you was the case.
“empath” is a huge red flag. Most self described “empaths” have some kind of personality disorder (like BPD or more rarely NPD). Personality disorders are genetic in nature and often form due to childhood trauma.
Being an “empath” is a trauma response to be extra diligent of possibly dangerous emotions that might not even exist. And then the general attitude that comes with “i know what you feel more than you do”
Which can indeed be abusive.
Example: my mom’s a self described empath with diagnosed BPD (diagnosed way later than these conflicts occured tho).
I’m autistic and have reynauds. My body language isn’t typical and i get cold very easy especially on my face and fingers. She was awful at reading my emotions and often lashed out at me for “being angry for no reason” when I usually i was cold or even nervous. But she sees crossed arms, fingers held into the palm, or tucking my face into my chest or under a hoodie as signs of “aggression” or “sneakiness” and would attack first often using my autism as an excuse to tell me that I don’t actually know how I feel but she can read body language and is an empath so she knows the truth. Then when i did become angry she used it as proof i was angry all along.
A similar phenomenon is the “highly sensitive person”. Which does have overlap with “empaths” but is a bit more broad and can include those without experiences of trauma (though the HSP is more likely to experience trauma, be considered weak, and have their issues down played because they are more easily affected by certain things that others are not and thus people assume they are far more sheltered than they really are, “need tough love” or to be shown what “real suffering is” or other methods of “toughening up”.
Common HSP triggers include: seeing another person in slight discomfort, any kind of cruelty to children or animals, or even just cringe/slapstick comedy in fiction that might evoke embarassment or pain).
But in general the “empath” is just a highly sensitive person that also has a personality disorder
I agree, why is it always the parents fault? In our case, we chose to end their selfish and disrespectful behavior. When our oldest daughter (49) said we had to earn her respect, we were done. That’s it! Her comment explained so many past problems. We broke ties with all 4. That stops our relationship with our 10 grandchildren and that makes us sad but we had to protect us.
You cut off fourteen people because one made a comment you deemed disrespectful? And you don’t think you’re the problem?????
It’s how narcissists work. They receive one little ego bruising and feel the need to go nuclear and blame everyone but themselves for it
You broke contact because she pointed out the fact that respect is earned and that you aren’t really just entitled to it because you demand it like Eric Cartman?
I’m really glad for her. Having you out if her life has got to have made everything so much better. Cause you’re absolutely the problem/a complete narcissist with no genuine human connection to your own children.
That level of self important entitlement where you don’t even feel like you need to earn respect or treat others how (take your pick, you wish to be treated, or they wish to be treated) to have mutually cordial relationships (especially as equals, which a 49 year old adult definitely would be) .
You just expect everyone to bow down and treat you with the deference (not respect, which is both mutual and earned in any healthy relationship) you command while readin acting like everyone else is the problem when they won’t get on board with treating you like you’re better and more important than everyone else.
I doubt if anyone is better off for having you in their lives. Maybe work on that a bit instead of playing victim of “being disrespected by being told that respect is earned”
And I’m sure you had absolutely nothing to do with it lol.
You mean to tell me you don’t have a relationship with ANY of your children, yet you can’t see you are the common denominator. How embarrassing
My momma used to say that if the whole class fails, there’s something wrong with the teacher. If all your kids have issues, it’s your for sure your fault. And if you routinely have volatile relationships and can’t keep any of a certain nature (familial, platonic, romantic, even pets that tend to run away) then it’s you that needs to work on the clear YOU issue of it all.
Just don’t understand it either. The disrespect, entitlement, etc. Is beyond comprehension. I finally realized in the last few years that it is narcissism. I have chosen to eat crow to have a relationship with my 54 year-old daughter.
Came to the realization that everything is on her terms. She is still single. We also recently reconnected with my husband’s son and his wife and now see the grandchildren after a 10 year estrangement. Step daughter in law is the main cause of problems. Too much for a post.
Your problem is narcissism all right.
Also, Not sure how her relationship status is any of your business or even a problem. Tons of people don’t have an interest in romantic relationships, don’t value them above others, or simply don’t wish to define themselves by their relationship to other people, as if they are not full autonomous complete humans of their own.
It’s funny in my case, actually. Being one of those people that don’t care for traditional relationship dynamics that tend to be quite toxic in my experience. Cause I have had this qpr for about 15 years now but don’t take on any labels like married, common law, or even dating. Our relationship and connection to one another is what matters and I quite enjoy that every single day we are together is a choice from love and not something we feel trapped in or obligated to maintain for others/outside viewers. We’re also exclusively non monogamous and have each had sex, relationships and even isolated dates with other people.
My parents like to alternate between trying to demand we at least take up the common law label often pushing for some monogamous lifestyle that’s incompatible with my sense of morality or interests. And then trying to say my partner is just a roommate, not really family, “just a friend” and someone I shouldn’t be making life plans with or moving across the country together with. Because of how “concerned” they are to “losing” me to someone “outside the family”.
Bruh, y’all lost me when I was 12 years old crying out for help desperately and you abandoned me 3 separate times that year expecting my issues to magically disappear without the need to change anything or really put in any effort at all or even try to be there at all for me, understand me, show me any form of empathy (or really anything but distrust, disdain, and avoidance). That’s when I knew for sure I didn’t really have parents and would need to essentially parent myself emotionally, psychologically, and socially.
(Teachers would call me a tattle tale and tell me to resolve my own issues when bullied. Then my solutions would emulate how my mom says kids “have” to learn. With some negative physical reinforcement like hitting, biting, or a light non dangerous stabbing. And suddenly they’d be issues but she couldn’t comprehend how to model anything else or make any other suggestions for how to resolve conflicts. I kept crying and directly asking for it to make sense, for my mom to go to therapy with me instead of just pretending the issues are all on me even when she takes offense to things my therapist s suggests I do etc.)
She def does NOT get to act like she cares now, or that my distance is anything new or at all “in-law” related. Yet my disinterest in her commentary and judgements on my life, well that must just be because of my partner lmao
Debra, I can see both sides of the family dynamics because I have been trapped in very similar dysfunctions of our family. I accept the blame to keep peace in family ties, but by doing so I seem to enable my son and daughter and daughter-in-law false continuous accusations over all these times.
Respect and privacy are keys issues in any family, but arrogance and rudeness is not acceptable. Adult estranged adult children give permission to themselves freely and forget about hurting a family. If they care ,,, I am sure my efforts would be noticed and continued with raw emotions. Very sad to see this constant negativity over and over played out to their parents or grandparents or siblings.
Lynn Harris
“respect and privacy” are only demanded by families that want to uphold unequal hierarchical dynamics, not actually have those in positions of authority ever actually earn the respect they feel entitled to and who want to guilt and manipulate literal children into keeping quiet about the crimes they are subjected to.
Huge red flag when that’s how someone views “family”. And when they go on to talk crap about how much their kids “don’t care about family” just because you’re not being personally coddled anymore.
Every estrangement situation is different. However, the author’s stance surrounding empathy from the parent, I feel is valid.
My husband’s youngest son (30) has estranged himself from his father. My husband truly has no idea why. He is dumbfounded. However, when I have brought up the fact that his (my husband’s) values are the opposite of his son’s, how me has historically voiced his opinion regarding his lack of understanding surrounding his son’s life choices, and that husband has made comparable remarks of his son to the more financially secure siblings… That’s why the son has estranged himself.
When parents say that there’s “no reason” for the estrangement is a sign that they are lacking empathy. Which is what the author is stressing. Most people don’t estrange themselves from others for “no reason”. What the adult child finds as a valid reason for the estrangement, is obviously lost on the parent.
Our adult children are more evolved than we are. We grew up with the notion that we are obligated to our parents to display feelings that might not be deserving.
Just because we share DNA with someone does not mean we’re obligated to spend time with them if they do not respect our selves.
I’m 60 years old and after 20+ years of therapy, estranged myself from my father. And distanced myself as much as possible from my mother because their values differed from mine. They were not abusive, nor was I raised in harsh surroundings. They were simply self-centered and only thought about their own happiness and success in life without taking their children’s well-being into consideration.
Thank you for your post. I lived in my mother’s fiction for as long as I could. She suffered from mental illness but insisted it was everyone else who was ill. She had a complicated set of lies we were meant to keep straight in front of others. I am a terrible liar and she hated me for it. I was always slipping up (letting the edges of truth become visible) making mistakes that she would have to cover (explain to maintain the illusion she was trying to maintain) She found me exhausting because of that. She needed to ‘keep up appearances’ because she didn’t want people to see the truth. I am estranged from her, barely able to function in the world after growing up in that world. She has (predictably) created a narrative where I am the monster and she is the helpless, fragile, abandoned mother. This narrative has cost me contact with all my family. Those who judge the child: Sometimes you don’t know the whole story.