What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
I feel that this is a great article for adult children.
I second the question, why is the estrangement always blamed on the parent? and why is it only the adult children that are allowed to have boundaries that need to be respected? Sadly, as parents of grown children, we were very often brought up on the idea of “unconditional love” for parents/children. This idea has been taken away with therapists saying that all love has conditions and boundaries. Currently, my husband and I have been called toxic, accused of gaslighting and have been told that we will have no relationship with our daughter and her family in the “foreseeable future”. I looked up “toxic” and tried desperately to understand how I was toxic with my daughter and her family. We have tried to be supportive however possible with them: emotionally, spiritually and financially. My daughter was my best friend and we used to talk 2-5 times a day, about everything and about nothing at all. “I love you” was said without hesitation. We babysat the grand babies whenever needed and were always available as needed. We helped them buy their home.
I spent 2022 with a broken heart, hurting and befuddled, sad and I totally cut myself from friends and basically became functionally depressed.
My husband and I wrote down everything that broke us from 2022 and December 31st we burned the papers and have started to heal.
Never in my wildest dream would I have thought this estrangement would have happened –
I agree. We, as parents, feel it is our fault. I don’t believe that.
Then continue to be bitter about it and lash out at your children. But also realize, your child will continue to not want anything to do with you.
You aren’t hurting anyone but yourself.
Erica – Jesus. Why are you answering everything with such anger. This is a forum for people to try to figure things out – not to be shamed.
Ditto for me. THANKS Dianne
Have we, thru our unconditional love, spoiled our children by helping them so much, that we have made them selfish and entitled?
Probably, but as I said before, parents have been messing up their kids since the beginning of time.
And for the first time in history, you’re finally reaping what you sow. Your children don’t owe you anything and they didn’t ask to be born.
You aren’t entitled to anything.
Dianne I have a similar story with my daughter. I have been looking for support groups to help me heal. I would love to connect w you.
Lisa – don’t know how to connect without our info being public. I am reading a book “Done with the Crying”…. maybe there is somewhere we can both join to we can connect that way…????? Damn it is hard, isn’t it?
“my daughter was my best friend”
I’ll help you out here and let you know that’s a huge red flag as to the nature of your relationship. And the very very different ways you probably see/saw it. Especially with terms like gaslighting being used.
It’s cliche, and I don’t think entirely accurate, to say parents aren’t supposed to be their kids friends. Because that’s a huge blurring of boundaries. Boundaries you should have had as the adult in the relationship to see your vast differences in ages, development, needs, abilities, and responsibilities.
It sounds like you probably adultified her way too much especially as you use the phrase “best fiends. ” (Implying way more emotional labor on the child’s part than just regular friends that have certain games or movie watching rituals where authority isn’t super relevant for a few hours of fun. Also 2-5 conversations a day, sometimes about nothing at all? That sounds like an exhausting emotional burden to be available for constantly, imo. Especially with children in the picture).
It just simply is not appropriate to expect a child to fulfill an adult role of being a “best friend” to an adult that should be focused on raising, teaching, and nurturing the child as a responsible caregiver. And speaking for myself, as i became an actual adult with actual adult friendships i began to resent the one with my mom more and more. She doesn’t sound like you cause she was bpd and very hot and cold about it. Berating, invalidating, speaking down to, threatening, punishing, or even kicking me out at times. Only to beg and plead and make me listen to just how hard it is on her emotionally and why i should never leave and hurt my siblings like that/take away free babysitting. And at others act like everything is fine and ho nice it is to go out just the two of us or share our own shows the kids can’t (i stopped being one of the kid when i was 12).
But for years i clung to those happy adult times where she told me the truth about her marriage, work, fears, dreams, visions for me etc. Ow much she loved how mature for my age i was and how a lot of times i don’t even seem like a kid but more like a sister or younger versiof herself that can actually “get it right”.
Now i see how unhealthy all of that was. And have better versions of thar relationship with people who don’t have power over me and at an age where a primary point of focus is how much better i am than all the other teens because of my obvious trauma responses making her life easier.
You don’t like the concept of boundaries because you’ve never learned how to have appropriate ones. Please stop blaming everyone else besides yourself.
oh Sasha – how I have blamed myself. Yup, my bad for enjoying my daughter as a best friend. I learned my lesson. HOWEVER, shaming people isn’t a very positive strategy for helping people. I have shamed myself enough – thanks.
Yeah it’s not her job to be your best friend/fill the role and adult should be filling in your life when she’s a child. And the fact that you seemed to “not even know” how that was toxic or anything. Well it does definitely give context for where the gaslighting and such came in. Because you don’t fundamentally see the relationship the same way she does/from her perspective, nor in a way that a healthy adult would.
Also not sure why you think parents don’t have boundaries?
Most parents do. Boundaries are not “cross this line and i won’t love you anymore”. They’re “I’m not going to engage in behavior that has a negative impact on me above this threshold without a good enough reason”.
For a parent that might include not giving adult children too much if any money, standards for being paid back etc. It can also mean not wanting to be around their other parent (in the vase of divorce) at all or short of significant events (like a wedding).
It can also include discontinuing a conversation that turns too hostile or is too personal in nature or choosing to only go over certain issues in certain settings (such as with a therapist).
Everyone and every relationship needs boundaries in order to stay healthy and to prevent meltdowns, conflicts, or unnecessary damage to a relationship due to being pushed your personal emotional limits.
I know just how you feel. We did the same, helped with the grandchildren with financial and in every other way we could.
Daughter and family turned their back on us 9 years ago and a part from a few very nasty text messages haven’t heard from her.
Not allowed to see the grandchildren so now we just live for ourselves with far less stress.
Not interested anymore to connect ever again as she can’t be trusted.
Take care of yourselves.
I agree. I keep reading headlines highlighting estrangement within families. How many times can a heart be broken without communication? It is a dream that many faced with estrangement want to wake up from and mend, because life is short.
But they didn’t care to mend the relationship while they still had power and thought trauma bonding, familial obligations, and social norms were enough to keep the relationship going past when the child has to legally engage with the parent. Regardless of how miserable it is for the child.
Hell imma bet a good number of those parents that “just want to mend” spent the years they were in power demanding parent of the year awards every year for “feeding, clothing, housing, educating etc you” aka, the bare minimum to retain legal ownership of a child.
Yet don’t see how that “be grateful for the bare minimum investment i make into this relationship/it’s obligations” translates into adult children realizing their 1st amendment rights to freedom of association and all that??
I don’t think parents think those things out very well
My grandson who is 18 has turned my disabled son against me and won’t talk to me at all. I have tried to find peace in the situation over and over but it always comes back. He is turning my son against me and I am helpless.
Curious how and why your grand child would “turn” your child against you. And in what way disability is at all related.
I hope Harry is reading this – look what he has done to his family. He is surely a deeply troubled man.
Wow, what a judgmental, hurtful thing to say. Wondering if you’ve actually read his book or listened to anything he’s said?
It’s the RF that’s deeply troubled. Planting hateful stories about their own family members in order to burnish their reputations? Please.
Just abolish the monarchy and send the lot of them to family therapy and/or a good brawling pub like the rest of us get
How about when the adult child (who is also a mother of teens herself) is a toxic personality through and through, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, and emotionally and financially abusive. It is not just children who can decide enough is enough, parents have the right and the obligation to their own self respect to walk away from toxic adult children who repeatedly offer nothing but manipulation abuse and stress to a relationship.
I’d be curious how any adult child ended up being so abusive if raised in such a good environment where such behavior was not modeled, encouraged, or normalized at all.
Also how they got NPD, which is largely caused by a mixture of genetic predisposition to those traits mixed with long term childhood trauma that tends to activate it.
I’m sure it’s obviously their fault for just choosing to be like that tho. And I’m definitely confident they’re the only person in the family that’s like that at all.
It’s not s toxic structure or system the child happened to be raised in, the child is the one and only problem. The identified patient. Not at all a scapegoat, just the only bad one in this entire story completely out of nowhere and for no reason at all.
I agree. Have the same situation in my family.
I too have a situation like yours…. Our children were well behaved and happy! We did family activities such as camping trips, hiking and big family gatherings. Life was peaceful and good!
Then things changed after our third baby was born. We started to see changes in our two oldest. Our daughter became a very manipulative and controlling child. It was also discovered that behind our backs my mother in law was creating issues…. She was undermining us. Soon after I discovered I was pregnant with our forth child we were in an auto accident, with an uninsured driver. This accident caused physical disabilities for both my husband and myself. Our daughters situation escalated rapidly. My husband ended up disabled and could no longer able to work which created horrific financial stress. I was forced to find work even though I too suffered permanent injuries, just not as severe as my husband. We did the best that we could under the circumstances to keep our kids lives as normal as possible throughout our recovery and the financial struggles. To top it off our daughter then became terrified we might die in an accident everytime we were separated from her… We went to counseling for us, as well for our children yet….. Our oldest daughter’s mental health worsened as our own auto insurance company made our lives a living hell. Our children each dealt with the changes differently. Our oldest son developed a serious mental illness causing a mental break down to the stress the insurance company’s subpoena for him to testify against us created. He was only 14 years old! He is permanently disabled and will be on medication the rest of his life.
Our oldest daughter developed bi-polar disorder under the same circumstances. She was 13. She refuses mental health care. She is now very controlling, extremely manipulative and twists reality to make herself a victim. She lives off of the drama she creates! She has turned our oldest grandson (who was my sweet, goofy, huggy teddy bear that spent most of his childhood with either us or my parents on the weekends) against me. I would need a book to tell all the horrible things they have said and done to me over the years…
When our oldest daughter and her family stole from my mother after my father’s death in 2018 was the bottom line.
We communicate cordially only if we happen to see each other in a store, etc. That will be the full extent of contact. It’s my Mother, my husband, both of my son’s and my choice to end relationship with her and her family… Our youngest daughter balances on the fence between.
Was I a perfect mother? No, I made mistakes, I made decisions I believed were right at the time.. Are there things I wish I would have done differently? Absolutely! I also believe families should understand that other members are flawed, have different opinions, should be accepted and positively supported even when you don’t fully agree with each other. Most importantly they should be respectful. I did my best to follow these beliefs… I walked on eggshells for years trying to understand and eliminate the drama… But there comes a time to say I have had enough. No more demeaning remarks or being set up to look ignorant, no more wondering when the next blow up will happen, no more drama no more lies and vile false accusations!
Am I heartbroken? Every single day I think about the goodtimes. I keep those memories in my heart. They are still my family and I love them dearly. For my own mental health as well as my mother, husband and two sons we choose to move forward with our lives without my daughter and her family involved. Painful but so much more peaceful…
“well behaved” children are a huge red flag for awful immature parents, abuse, or some other form of trauma that isn’t being adequately treated because the response happens to be convenient for adults.