What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
This is to all the men and women who have cut off their mother/father:
You have absolutely every right to protect yourself and protect your well-being.
Cutting a parent off permanently isnt an easy decision to make and it is often long overdue and long in coming.
You are an adult with the choice to select who youvwant in your life. You do not ha e to continue contact with unsafe and toxic individuals, even if they are responsible for your birth. Anyone can get in bed and make babies, but maintaining healthy relationships with the adults those babies grow into is a whole other matter.
The default cookie cutter reaction of narcissistic parents is to attempt to discredit their adult son or daughter by diagnosing them as mentally ill. If I had a dollar for every narc that attempts the maneuver …. Again, you have every right to protect your well being, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Hi Frank:
Thank you for writing and reiterating the necessity to leave relationships where adult children are in harm’s way. While I agree that some parents will blame their adult children and use “mental illness” as a means to invalidate them, I think there is more to it. Just as some parents have traits and behaviors that might align with a particular disorder, there are adult children with traits and behaviors of disorders. Professionals have diagnosed some of these individuals, and their family members are inundated with behaviors that negatively impact the dynamics of the family.
Perhaps one of the difficulties surrounding understanding estrangement is the tendency to diagnose individuals using the logical fallacy called an appeal to authority. It is a way to assert an opinion. Adult children dislike it when they are pigeonholed as mentally ill. Is it possible to have this conversation without, in turn, doing the same to parents? Is it possible that not every estranged parent is a narc? I am interested in your thoughts.
Hi Marie L. Morin,
Thank you for reading and responding to my post. It is a known fact that abusers use the mental illness card to attempt to discredit, devalue and smear their targets/victims.
While there are some instances that do have “mental illness” in the equation, that said mental illness does not exist in a vaccuum and if an adult son/daughter has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd then it is labeled as a mental illness. The parents are part of the equation of mental illness and any solid mental health professional will concur. Are you familial with Family Systems/Inner Family therapy? Virginia Satir goes into great detail about this.
As far as not every cut off parent not being a narcissist…..sure not all are narcs, some are sociopaths, psychopaths and some are much less extreme , but yet still very toxic and unsafe. You do not have to be a narc to be unsafe and toxic to your own adult sons and daughters.
Lastly, there are a tiny few parents that are good but for some reason they are cut off. Rarely, however is that the case.
Mental illness is rampant in the west for many reasons, but it’s certainly spearheaded by the phenomenon we’re currently experiencing of all-time high neglect and careless parenting. Pointing the finger at mental illness just makes you the self-absorbed Boomer, oblivious to any and all criticism, you’ve been accused of being. No wonder your kids don’t want to talk to you.
Here’s something I think you should become familiar with:
The Narcissist’s Prayer
That never happened.
If it did, it wasn’t that bad.
If it was, it wasn’t my fault.
If it was, you deserved it.
Let me guess. Your kids blame everything on you, and the economy, have broken families, if any, and can’t take accountability for jack? Gee, where did that attitude come from?
Herbie, this is an excellent post. 👌 💯
Most kids would be delighted to have me for a mother. My daughter had BPD and I did everything bent over my back backwards to make her life wonderful, and she dumped me like a hot potato and now I’m alone 23 years because I didn’t remarry because she hated everybody I dated. She is taking my wonderful grandchild away from me she’s evil bitch. She has not deserved the life
Long I’ve I’ve given her!
Hi Jukiey,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It must be pure agony and torture to be cut off for 23 years and counting. You say most people would be delighted to have you as their mother and that you bent over backwards and did “everything” for your daughter, but then you turn around and call your own glesh and blood an “evil bitch”. Such loving , compassionate, and nurturing words. You have got to be the best mother in the world and no one csn see why your daughter has cut you off for the past 23 years.
Some of you parents need to read to comprehend. This article is for the adult child who had to pick estrangement. When you’re reading articles backing the parents you’re completely on board, which ironically is the issue that this article is talking about adult children encoutering. I recently had to cut my parents off, never in a million years did I think I would have to, after years of guilt trips to suit my mother, being talked down to, but made out to be the bad guy if I stuck up for myself I finally said enough is enough. As a married woman with 2 kids, husband, and is financially independant it’s time that I be treated like my brothers who wont allow them to speak to them in the way the do me.
Hi Tracy,
Thank you for posting your thoughts and experiences. I am sorry you are being treated and have endured so much abuse. I know it was a very difficult decision to make in order to protect your well being and that of your children. It is very painful and difficult to cut off parents, even highly abusive and toxic ones, but you did the right thing for you and I applaud you for it. Many others cannot do this and live a lifetime of suffering and abuse for the sake of “family”. Stay strong and safe.
Hi Tracy, Thank you for sharing. I think the conversation’s tenor highlights the natural tendency for humans to be stuck in their perspective. I am glad you wrote to illustrate your challenging relationship and the maltreatment you endured. I am sorry you had to go through this. I hope we can have reasonable conversations regarding the circumstances that prompt estrangements. I appreciate your post and adding to the conversation so others can see various perspectives. Hopefully, we can all lean towards empathy.
The whole internet is geared towards blaming the parents. My Granddaughter (who we raised and spoiled) left my home in a rage by throwing a full bottle of water almost hitting my 4 week old Great Grandson and denting my wall. Shes been gone for 6 years and its great. Why do we have to work on getting her back????
Hi Richard McGlothlen,
I can see you are in a great deal of pain. If your grand daughter is such a bad person, why keep dwelling on her abscence? You should be glad she left and hasnt bothered with you since. Seems you should be happy now. You do not have to work at bringing her back, you got your wish. Bless your heart.
Hi Richard C McGlothlen,
I can see you are in a great deal of anguish over your granddaughter leaving you behind. If your granddaughter is such a bad person, why keep dwelling over her abscence? Aren’t you glad she finally left and hasn’t bothered with you since? Seems you would be happy now. You do not have to work at bringing her back, you have gotten what you wanted all along. Bless your heart.
Hi, Richard, don’t pay attention to frank. He’s only on this site to stir the pot!
He enjoys demeaning people.
Hi Lee, your thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions are valid. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Richard, Thank you for sharing your perspective and asking the critical question: Why do “parents” have to work to get their kids back? Perhaps the obvious consideration is that adult children are primarily the ones leaving. They cite many reasons why they have cut off. As the research states, these adult children have an imbalance of power. In other words, the parents primarily want to repair and reconcile, and it is up to the adult child to want to. I hope this answers your question. I think your point is the choice of parents and grandparents to decide if they desire a relationship. Yes, grandparents and parents can choose to not reengage.