What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
I am an adult daughter, 52 years old estranged since 1991.
My mother did love me, and she & I had a good first 5 years, until she brought a violent dangerous man into my life & let him completely wreck it. It was bad. I was hit with belts, bounced off of walls, constantly made fun of & trash-talked, all while my mother stood by and allowed it. It was like she wasn’t even my mom anymore. Then, to reward him for his abhorrent behavior towards me, she gave him 2 kids of his own. I had to watch those other fng kids get more and have it easier. I was forced to make sacrifices that a little kid should not have to make!
But, I’m sure my mother has “no clue” why we’re estranged.
Hi Cee, I am very sorry you went through all of that. You did not deserve any of that. I am truly sorry you have had to make that decision. You have every right to protect your well-being. Sending you healing light and love.
I think it it was titled “family estrangement” instead of “why adult children choose parental estrangement”, not “why it’s the parents’ fault…” then I’m sure they would’ve included more of both perspectives, including that sometimes the child has avoided dealing with their own mental illness. I’m a new parent, I would be devastated if this happened between us, either way, no matter who the article blames first or most. Meanwhile my own mother ran my sister off 20 years ago and now that I’m a mother, I have stopped feeling abandoned by big sis, and now more inspired and called, and understanding of why she cut our mother and brother off, I’m about to do the same, 4 more months, and this article barely scratches the surface… I’m sure my mom has 4X the length of list of reasons I do for why I suck as a child (I’m 38), and what she’s done that I don’t appreciate. But anyyyyyyy consequences I’ve had to deal with aa a result of her does not count since she had “good intentions”….
Our Youngest son is very gifted, and posesses many job skills. He set out on his own for the other side of the country at age 30 on good terms, and seemed very happy. However, now for no apparent reason doesn’t want to have an ongoing relationship with us. He has changedhis birthdate. name and birthdate. While we were visiting in the area last year, he was not present at our family gathering. Our eldest daughter and our grandson seemed to think we owed our son an apology, but a reason was never disclosed. Needless to say we’ve been confused and extremely hurt by this. I’ve written many letters expressing our love, but receive no reply. He has called once and spoke as if nothing ever happened. He’s now almost 38, and we feel unjustly victimized and are at a loss here. Any ideas?
I accept my daughter’s choice to distance herself from me, though we reside in close proximity. My question is when does the pain stop
I wrote previously, wad going to add to my story. However, I am finding so many comments I can’t find my previous story. Today’s generation have learned, for some reason, they are entitled now that they’re of the age to be “so called” adults. They’ve acquired emotional immaturity.
Anyway, my daughter is an EAP coordinator for NYS. Always sending put emails promoting employees to meet with her to resolve work place conflicts as well as family conflicts. So, my question is if she has this title what makes her an expert on conflict when she has created her own family conflict? All because I went on a trip to celebrate my 60th birthday. She was mad because I didn’t discuss this trip with her. Why would I need to do so? After all, I’m an adult, and, don’t need anyone’s permission to go on a trip. That trip was basically none of her business. She took many trips, never discussed them with me. So, how’s that entitlement for a child who feels superior to her mother! Her title of EAP coordinator went to her head. In addition she sought friends who had authority titles at her place of employment in order to advance her career.
Parents are not to be blamed for the estrangement. It’s the fault of the adult child who has mental health issues, feeling entitled. She has food issues which lead her to lock up her pantry so her children cannot snack when they don’t eat meals she prepared. She even let it known at work that she locks her pantry. What parent locks up food from their children???? She didn’t grow up that way!
My daughter is a professional nental health case manager, and I connect with you when you say you daughter, developed friendship with those in authority and it all seem to go to her head. That’s how I see it in situation. See got to big for her britches. Though I had a successful professional career until I retired, she treats me like I’m beneath her.
I know how you feel Judi. It’s awful, horrible. I’m sorry you’re going thru such an experience too. We, as, parents need to support one another
I like how to prove you’re a good parent and blameless for her mental health or other issues likely developed in childhood you…. Just endlessly complain about everything to do with your child. From her struggles to her successes to her parenting and even choice to finally be rid of your damn negativity for once and protect her children from you
Gee, what a negative thing you are? You sound like one of these entitled ones too. If you actually met her, you would see for yourself. And, how many children do you have? You must be the perfect parent!
You certainly have no empathy. But, then, again, that’s the lack of emotion for the entitled.
Seems you’re the one complaining Keri. Did you really read the above. The mother above is expressing her feelings. And, how the entire situation doesn’t make sny sense.
From where I’m sitting, you look for comments made by deeply hurting parents, only to add salt to the wounds. You’ve made so many insulting comments to a lot of people!
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?
Gee, the person above isn’t by any means trying to prove she’s a good parent. She’s just telling her story, trying to make sense of the circumstances. Do you know how to read? I’m guessing you didn’t read the above. You just want to criticize. That’s what I have read on your comments to others. You seem to have a tremendous amount of hate in your heart. How do you treat your parents and grandparents? Or, your children? If you have any.
Hey Holly,
Thanks for sharing a little of whats going on with you and your daughter. There seems to be a lot of information missing. Is your daughter shunning you? Has she cut ✂️ you off? Is that why you have diagnosed her with mental illness? And how does her locking up the snack pantry in order to make her kids eat healthy home cooked meals make her mentally ill? Or was that just thrown in as extra fodder to devalue her in the eyes of random internet strangers. 🤔 I would NEVER let anyone talk about my friends let alone my own flesh and blood like you talk about your daughter.
You need to read your posts. I haven’t seen anywhere a positive from you. You’ve provided conflicting information about your parents. One post you’re estranged, in another they’re deceased. So you can’t say you would never let anyone talk about friends let alone flesh and blood. You have!
Hi Lee,
Your thoughts, opinions, and feelings are valid. Thanks for sharing.