What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
This is quite an echo-chamber of emotionally immature, narcissistic, delusional mothers whose abusive nature is on full display -dry snitching on why their adult children cut them off. And these articles are ridiculous with assurances “you are NOT the reason your child left”. Uh, they probably are.
Responses to well-thought out responses here are predictable and depressing:
“OH bla bla bla” Uh huh.
“You just said a bunch of nothing” Exactly what a narc says in response to a well-thought out comment about how abuse affects adult children.
“WhAt aBoUt MY FeELiNgs” Children, adult or not, are not responsible for parenting parents. And you have shown zero concern for their feelings on their terms (because they are people with their own feelings), not yours.
“They are doing this to punish me” No, they are PROTECTING themselves and their children from your abuse by cutting off contact. It is not “punishment”, it is not about you. It is about them moving on with their lives for peace, happiness, and healthy family relationships without you. They can’t have a healthy, peaceful life with you around- That is the message their silence is sending. Leave. Them. Alone. If you KNOW they don’t want to hear from you, but you persist in contacting them anyway, this is ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.
I haven’t seen ONE SINGLE COMMENT in here by a parent that considers, even for a moment, that they mmmaybe they had something to do with their adult child cutting off contact. Nope, you all were only the most amazing, saintly parents who deserves nothing but accolades and coddling from their “ungrateful” adult children. “I made you soup while you were sick! I clothed and housed you etc” Great, but did you show concern about their feelings when they came to you crying? Did you show concern for their feelings when they expressed them to you? Or did you just say “oh bla bla bla”…?
If your adult child has cut off contact with you, and you anguish over “how / why they could do this?” without ONCE considering YOU might be the problem, or batting it away with “I was the perfect parent” Surprise: YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
Robin, WOW! Is all I can say.
My question for you: are you the most perfect parent in the world?
Children are overrated.
One reads about all of the various possible reasons for adult children to suddenly cut off relations with their parents, or severely limit it. But a common story I hear, and have experienced myself, is having an adult child that, as far as my wife and I see it, had a great childhood, was supported in every endeavor, did great in school, whose parents (us) don’t have alcohol or drug problems or abuse histories or anything like that and then, at about age 20, the adult daughter in question suddenly became very sour and negative. One thing in this case that we connect with this sudden change was that, at university, she became a member of what she called a “co-counseling” group, which was essentially a group of several young women who got together and, as far as we can tell, sat around re-enforcing their worst experiences with one another. Our relationship with our daughter since that time has been brittle, with her being on a hair trigger to take offense and declare she is being “invalided” if the slightest difference of opinion on any subject should occur. She also appears to be “diagnosis shopping” and has succeeded in convincing one or more psychologists (we aren’t sure if it’s just one) that she suffers variously from PTSD, ADHD and, now, is “on the autism spectrum”. As far as we can see, none of these things are true. In conversations with several friends, we are hearing very similar stories. So our question is, is there something going on here that isn’t based on family dynamics but is more a case of people being influenced to reinterpret their lives in this highly negative fashion, egged on and encouraged by mental health professionals on dubious grounds?
Prayers up for you Scott and for your bride as you struggle. Prayers for your daughter as well that she gains greater clarity about the people who are in her corner. Always rooting for her and always have been rooting for her.
Sometimes I wonder if untroubled childhoods, which have been a relatively new phenomenon in the history of the human race, have left of our children overly bonded to their parents. In recent centuries, we have prolonged childhood in the name of love and nurturance. Many adult children are putting off adult responsibilities of marriage and child rearing. They seem unhappy in troubled, not because of the horrible, terrible things that previous generations endured.
Absent trauma, domestic violence are all sorts of abuse, it’s hard to understand the need to impose this profound alienation. The need for survival not so long ago. Perhaps 200 years or even less drove families together. In this process, children had to quickly learn and adapt to their parents limitations because there were so many. Early on children learned that my parents are wonderful and powerful but also extraordinarily limited. And if they need me as a child to grow and be strong and help them. The need for this has diminished greatly and instead we imagine that love alone will create the bond with our children or lifetime.
Instead, we’ve raised a generation of children who are vulnerable to constantly searching to be loved and validated. And they are constantly disappointed. This search goes on for some time and it seems many different kinds of people are needed to validate their experience.
The more difficult work is becoming a strong and humble adult that understands the world is a broken and imperfect place and my parents can be nothing other than those two things… But I have lots of evidence of their sacrificial and enduring love to help me grow wise and strong and forgiving and loving adult.
Hi David:
Thank you for adding a voice of reason to this significantly emotionally charged topic.
I believe a difficult pill is to recognize that in some cases, parents and adult children have contributed significantly to the cut-off of the other. And that not every estranged parent is abusive. Nor is every estranged adult child entitled. It seems that many have forgotten how to have discussions where there is disagreement. Some adult children must indeed cut ties so that they can gain relief from their discomfort. If this is the case, excusing parents because they have limitations invalidates their experience.
In the world that I would like to live in, individuals would want to do everything they can to take responsibility when it applies and go the extra mile to remain in the relationship. But the sad truth is, sometimes this is impossible. In some cases, one can forgive but still need to remain distanced.
I know clinically that everyone is affected, whether it is anger, guilt, or sadness. Estrangement is more complex than we understand, and there is no one size fits all answer or solution. It is unreasonable to make sweeping generalizations about parents or adult children.
You make some excellent points that deserve attention. The shift in individualism and parenting styles, combined with the forces of a changing world, certainly has impacted everyone. Perhaps alienation from parents is a symptom of how alienated individuals are from others in a world where we are more isolated and inwardly focused. It’s become commonplace to text someone a birthday greeting instead of calling them and hearing their voice. I do know that we are more distanced from people in general.
I hope those struggling on either side find peace to move forward despite your loved ones’ estrangement.
“Many adult children are putting off adult responsibilities of marriage and child rearing”
Nobody is ever obligated to marry or to have children. And absolutely nobody under 30 ever should. Young parents are the worst kinds of parents. Less financially stable. Not fully developed mentally. Less mentally stable. Less likely to have stable relationships and employment.
It’s a very immature person that gets married or has children because they feel like they are “supposed” to, especially on a pre established timeline to basically passively follow with little agency or thought put into it. And it’s a supremely immature person that thinks having children or getting married makes someone an adult or suddenly mature, responsible, or more of a full/valid person.
Disgusting mindset. Can’t imagine why you struggle to maintain relationships with kids you obviously only had because you felt obligated to or like you just needed to fit a certain role for your life to have a certain image.
You daughter started opening up, talking to others, getting perspectives from other experiences, and found a stable support network she could rely on? Sounds great.
Oh, but then with the added perspective, support, and mental health experience she recognized issues and no longer seemed quite as happy with the dynamics or even history?
Oh no sounds like everyone else in the world is the problem and you were legit great parents and not living in what seems to be an isolated cult that only reinforced your ideas and perspectives as the one and only right one, universal, etc that only maintains itself because children are the absolutely most vulnerable to indoctrination.
And obviously you know far more about the mental health and internal struggles of someone else than they themselves do, let alone professionals specifically trained in this field. Your opinions on these are not just valid but the most and only valid ones that exist.
Your daughter obviously has no reason to feel invalidated or want nothing to do with you after prolonged periods of these total non issues.
There’s no such thing as Stockholm or children feeling particularly affinity for parents even when it is not justified by the parents behavior. If the child seems relatively content or happy in the memories of the parents, that’s obviously the full and only picture. Anything that disrupts that image is wrong
In my heart I always believed my son was loved and well cared for. Although his father was not a huge part of his life we have an extended family that shared support and love throughout his life and by all accounts he seemed to navigate well with the childhood he had. He has a stepfather that without a doubt unconditionally supported him. His adulthood has been a series of set backs which he is blaming my lack of parenting skills that set him on the path of three broken marriages and a hand full of jobs. Which no doubt I am not perfect. Probably not the most affectionate person but loved unconditionally. I would fix it all for him if I could. Basically self help, counseling, and constant searching can’t resolve the answers I need. I’m ashamed to say. I am so tired and worn out and at times a little frighten with his extreme anger with me. I dream of a loving relationship but there doesn’t seem to be a place for us. Walking away doesn’t seem to be the answer. Running does and my heart hurts.
I am so clueless as to why my son cut me off. It is one big ole ENIGMA to me, I swear, honey chyle.
He is just crazy and doesn’t know what he’s saying, and he really needs to come back home to momma, so I can help him. (Even though he’s almost 50 years old with his own wife and life)
I just cannot allow him to have his own life without me. He will be NOTHING without me, even though he’s cut me off since 13 whole years and seems to be doing just fine without me.
I CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO BE!!
It thought by telling people he’s a crazy transgender who doesn’t know if he’s man or woman that people would automatically not believe him about the child abuse he went through, but it seems that my smear campaign has back-fired on me.
How dare he cut me off, when I am the superior parent! I cannot and will not face the reality and will continue to try to bend and twist reality to fit what I’d like it to be, and not what it actually is.
How can my son have such a cruel and hard and cold heart towards me, his old, sickly mother, especially during a global pandemic? Can he just get over the child abuse. We are older now and have changed for the better. Just forgive and forget and get over it already so you can help your old mother now!
Honor your mother and your father means stay loyal to them no matter how much abuse they put on you. That is why you were born!