What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
I’m a parent. Sans abuse, mental health, or drugs, estrangement is a two way street exaggerated by differences in generational values and communication styles. Parents are not blameless and neither are kids. Estrangement is easier than working it out.
Work what out? If people don’t see anything wrong with their behavior what incentive do they have to change it?
Imagine blaming child abuse victims for not wanting a relationship with people that abused the power of the legal status of parents without full filing the nurturing and supportive social/psychological role of a parent. Because everything must always be a 2 way street with more or less equal blame on all parties because it’s just unfair to blame one person
Oh i can. It’s what my mother did after my stepdad broke my collar bone and she manipulated me into helping cover it up because it would be mean and anti family and immature to kick him out of our lives when you know it’s at least partially your fault too for trying to protect yourself when all he wanted to do was hit. If you only stayed still and let him do what he wanted, he wouldn’t have HAD to grab your arm that way and the terrible accident wouldn’t have happened, so how could you REALLY blame him for that when it’s not like he was going out intending to break any bones. But he is partly to blame because he was too angry and using too much force so he should try to do better in the future. See let’s all just get along and not blame anyone too much.
Sick shit. It’s one of many reasons i don’t talk to her enabling ass. It’s the most supreme form of cowardice. The one that doesn’t explicitly state they’re siding with the abuse, but still casts “equal blame”, engages in gaslighting and other forms of manipulation, and effectively does side with the abuser by not holding them accountable and suggesting they’re entitled to the continued relationship status regardless of how the victim actually feels about it.
I know you say “sans abuse”. But abusers don’t see what they do as abusive. My mother doesn’t. My step father doesn’t. Most of my younger siblings don’t.
It becomes normalized. Plus no one likes the label, implications etc. Always see it as being more extreme more intentional or more frequent than what we they do. So the caveat is meaningless.
Not sure why the parents always to blame. I have a daughter who has the only grandchild. She is the oldest of four kids. She has chosen to never talk to us. It’s been two years and I’ve never been happier. Her toxicity was not good for me or her mom’s health. Just changed my will and trust. She’s out. Loving retirement. People need to remove themselves from negative issues. Have great relationship with the other three. They never talk about her and I don’t ask.
These comments from rejected and jilted parents say anything but “happy.” Your ego is bruised. And it shows. All the money in the world won’t change that your own child has shunned you.
All I see is misery and shock someone had the balls to stand up to you and say no.
I guarantee it bothers you more than it does her. Because if she was as bad as you claim, why didn’t you end things first? You’re full of it.
Exactly! You are so on point, reading right through these old, bitter narc incubators and their sperm donors. They feel so entitled.
Lol it’s always telling when the shitty parents complain about their kids and then brag about taking them out of the will because they feel slighted. All while inisifng on how happy and well adjusted they are and how all their problems have only ever come from the scapegoat.
Much support to your daughter and her child in this situation. She is strong, supported, and doing her best to break toxic cycles.
Follow the money. With so many more therapists and counselors, long term clients are needed for their income. What better way than to convince clients to estrange family…..and later help them reconcile? It is an epidemic supported by the profession that is resulting in heartbreak.
Yeah, follow the money. But not in the way you’d like.
People had no other choice but to “suffer” through toxic and abusive family members in the past because they were financially and socially dependent on them.
Now, it’s different. People can seek support outside of the family unit and are more financially independent.
So in other words, no one is beholden to deal with a terrible parent to enrich themselves. They can decide to constructively cut ties with you and still live a productive life. And abusers don’t like to see their victims succeed without them. Never did.
This has GOT to be the lamest conspiracy theory I’ve ever seen, designed to enable you to not have to take accountability for your own actions.
Narcissist parents are full of lame conspiracy theories. Anything to deflect blame.
Its basically exactly the same as the conspiracy theories fundamentalists spew about the entire secular world being out to get them and their children. Because said children tend to grow up and many of them (often the victims of family wide cover ups. Often including incest) do choose to leave the family and religion and vocally denounce much of the ideology and culture surrounding it. (But the golden children/those enabled to continue abusing others by the family unit tend to become strong defenders of the parents, religion, and culture.)
It’s obviously everyone else except the parents who see their children as objects they are entitled to use, treat however they want, and try to force to conform to their own personal values of. If only nobody ever told their kids they could have agency or empowered them to better understand their mental health, history, needs, etc they’d never leave or reject anything from the parents.
Heckin in-laws are the worst, amirite narcassitic parents?
I have a 36 year old daughter is estranged from me. Not only did she estranged me she left 4 children under the age of 12 with me. I spent 15 years and lots of money to help her but to know avail trying to get her help. Her oldest children are now 19 and 18 and she still doesn’t have any interest in them. I just don’t understand how you could not have any maternal instincts to not want to see your children. Now I’m doing my best to help them emotionally be cause it has affected them mentally. But God is good and he will see us through. She favored drugs over her own children. Just don’t understand. And they are the most well mannered children and are striving to be someone in this life. Also the father has nothing to do with them. So sad.
Marie, thank you for your efforts here. People in my age group 60+ can use coaching and encouragement in difficult times. Much of what you say above is useful.
I wish you had added a section, and I think other commenters would appreciate it also, about imperfect, but very good parents who are being alienated undeservedly or despite repeated efforts to understand and reconcile. This can be true also, due to mental illness, political ideals, substance abuse, religion and so forth.
Ostracization is extremely damaging psychologically, the research is strong that this tactic, when chosen, leads to despair; a difficult risk for people in the 60’s to face (because there is so little time to build a new set of attachments).
Erickson’s 8 stages of Development highlight the terrible challenge of my age group: We are wrestllng with whether we have built a life of Integrity or Despair. Sometimes that despair is well earned, more often there are a combination of factors.
Writing successfully to this age group means understanding the audience’s profound efforts, fears and challenges. God bless you in this effort.
David
Thank you for your comments. I agree that adding a section as you suggested would be very meaningful and helpful. I plan to include this in my next article.
Thank you for pointing this vital aspect to my attention. I am grateful you wrote.