What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.
When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.
Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.
Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.
Types of Estranged Relationships
We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being.
On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.
Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.
Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.
When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle.
Estrangement Contributors
Intrapersonal Issues
We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.
A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.
If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.
A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.
Interfamily Issues
Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.
Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.
Intrafamily Issues
Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.
Other examples include:
- Family conflict and rivalries.
- Drug or alcohol abuse.
- Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
- Parental favoritism of other siblings.
It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.
So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?
With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.
They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.
Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.
What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study
elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?
Tags Estrangement
Does it have to be either/ or? I’ve never met anyone who never did anything wrong! Yes there are some real crazies out there on both sides, but I would think about being as gracious as possible even in the face of bad behavior, and don’t ever say anything negative about your DIL or SIL, especially to your son or daughter.
My son chose to separate himself and his wife and family from his parents, his brother and his sister and their families. At the beginning, we all thought it was the influence of his wife. We now know it was her influence and by this time, he has totally bought into it. After years of trying to connect with him and his family, I’ve come to realize that it is a lost cause. My husband passed away always wondering what he did wrong. The last time I was at his home, his grandchildren ran up to excitedly. I knew then that I was doomed as his wife, who was standing nearby, basically emminated her fury at this display from HER grandchildren towards me, (great grandma). For months after, I walked on eggshells hut to no avail. I have now crossed my son, his wife, my grandchildren and great grandchildren off my list of contacts. I no longer worry about them not being in my life. I have no regrets. I’m still very much in the lives of my other son and my daughter. I feel so much less stressed and very much freer. I am the type of person who feels less and less towards those I rarely have contact with. I feel that happening now and still I have no regrets. If you, your husband, your daughter and your son are not wanted in someone’s life, accept it and move on.
I am a mom who went back to university in my fortys and graduated with both a B.A. and M.A in Sociology in my fifties; I am now 70. When this happened to me last summr, it was devastating. I was unaware of this social phenomena occurring between parents and adult children. I went directly to the internet to find out what I could, and I found a Youtube video by Dr. Joshua Coleman, and ultimately ordered his book Rules of Engagement. I read it. Some chapters did not apply to me, because I am divorced from her father after a 32 year marriage, and that occurred 12 years ago. I will tell you that I was angry with my 35 year old daughter, but I also knew that she felt strongly about a political issue that may have affected her judgement I stewed about this situation for a few weeks and then decided to seek counsel from a dispassionate therapist. I have always felt that I am the parent and my two girls are my children and my parenting carries a responsibility that lives on after their adolescence. If I am perceived having done something egregious, then I must take the higher road and accept some responsibiity for it. I ultimately took the advice of Dr Coleman and wrote my daughter a short note saying that I recognize that I have done something to affect her feelings; I am sorry and am here whenever she would want to talk and that I love her. It was very short as Coleman recommends. She texted me to say that she had received it and thanked me for sending it, but she wasn’t ready to talk yet. The following week she was and texted me to ask when would be a good time to talk. I gave myself a few days so I could prepare to withstand whatever she had to say. I will share that we talked for over an hour; we were both humble. We still have a way to go to the familiar comfort we had before, but we are moving in the right direction I recommend listening to Dr. Coleman. It isn’t easy, but it can go a long way to helping to reestablish contact, if you are deeply committed to do so.
Sue, I am so happy that a door has been opened for you and your daughter. It takes both parties willing to, as you said, ‘humble’ themselves. Humility is not a weakness; it allows you to be open to all possibilities. I will think about you two and hope both of your hearts will heal. I bid you peace.
I don’t think you get it still. It doesn’t take “both sides to be humble.” That just reads to me like “I’m willing to admit that I am partially wrong so long as my kid does the same.” Nope. If my parents ever came at me with that attitude I would just hang up on them.
It has been five years as of this December 2022 that my daughter has stopped all communication with me. I have tried to reconnect with her and make amends but she refused. After the COVID pandemic and so many people dieing would cause my daughter to grow a heart. Unfortunately that has not happened. I raised her by myself and never screamed or yelled at her, all did was give her my love and support but for her that was not enough. She talks to her uncle my brother and during my visit to his home in Florida, she told him to wish me a Merry Christmas. Oh well, I guess I was supposed to be satisfied with those words. I have mix feeling about my daughter and I don’t think that I can trust her. This is not the daughter I know and love. She is a stranger and considering that my help has declined, and she is aware of my health conditions but this has not rattled her heart. I am moving on without her. I just wish her all the best and hope she nevers needs me because even though I pray to God believe in forgiveness, I don’t trust this person whom my daughter has become. Anyway, this is my story, but no it is not always the parents fault.
The pandemic was not an excuse to allow people back into your life for which you have been estranged from for years. You’ve been out of her life this long and think you can just waltz back in? You don’t even know her anymore.
The lunacy in these comments would tickle me if you people weren’t actually serious.
Omg Erica YESSSS the narc incubator who birthed me had the nerve to dig up my phone number and call me last August leaving a voicemail, acting as if nothing happened after 13 years of being permanently cut off. How about I put her number on block before she had a chance to finish her voicemail. Paid her dust. She is old in her 70s, alone with no family, and in a relationship with a online scammer out of Nigeria. She used to threaten to give me up for adoption if I didnt wash dishes or clean my room. She would tell me over and over again that if she werent my mother, she wouldnt want anything to do with me. She would threaten to abandon me and say she is going to go away and not come home whenever she was gaslighting me……and then at 33 I decided I had enough and I cut her permanently off. There is no hate. There is no love. Just pure detachment and indifference. Feels so liberating, free and healthy.
Wow!! This article puts a large heap of blame on the parents of these adult children. Yes there are reasons for an adult child to do this but very frequently you have parents that did nothing but there best for these children all of their lives. It really is not an acceptable route to recovery of mental and emotional well being except in very rare cases. But I guess that has something to do with ones spiritual beliefs.
“Spiritual beliefs” are a red herring here. This has NOTHING to do with spiritual beliefs but it’s about very real relationships with your children. If you dismiss your child’s complaints on the basis of “spiritual beliefs” (I’m not even sure what this mean, but I’m guessing you mean “honor thy father and mother”) then it is your lack of ability to hold yourself accountable that is the direct cause of the estrangement.
Sometimes your best isn’t good enough and trauma still happens. And in any cases with trauma having at least temporary estrangement/distance from major triggers is often necessary for healing.
(Even when dealing with addiction there’s a period of time where you have to avoid situations with alcohol or whatever. And even well into recovery you may need to avoid the people and situations that are part of the unhealthy schema. The same exact thing is true for any trauma bonded relationship).
Even then sometimes “your best” is entirely misguided. It’s authoritarian, helicoptering, focused on achievements or status/image, or it’s negligent, trying too hard to be friends, or providing material luxuries and the like while also not having time or energy to actually be a parent and spend quality time bonding with your child.
Sometimes it’s out of your control. Sometimes you’re misguided. Following what your parents have done without questioning it, acknowledging your own traumas, or remembering that you need to tailor your parenting to the child and their needs and learning style. Or sometimes you know your parents were awful and just aim for the exact opposite without seeking balance or guidance for how to avoid certain known issues without causing different issues.
Either way sometimes estrangement is necessary for healing.
Any “spiritual beliefs” that conflict with that well known medical reality is little more than a cult of abusers and their enablers/brainwashed victims.
I grew up raised in a religion with values like those. Very common in rural Oklahoma. I’m so glad I broke free once i recognized how dangerous and unhealthy it was. And how the cult kept enabling my abusers and trying to add shame, guilt, and silence onto me.