3 Secrets of Resilient Widows: Embrace Life on Your Own Terms
Losing a spouse is a challenging and transformative experience. Your partner’s death can reshape your life. I get it. It happened to me when my late husband, Tom, passed 17 years ago. His death was the most devastating event I ever faced.
Discovering your own voice, embracing new freedoms, and living life to the fullest are all important aspects of navigating this new chapter, which goes beyond just learning to live with loss. I want to share three important secrets of resilient widows to assist other women to not only survive after their spouse’s death… but also to thrive after grief.
Read on if you’re a widow or looking to that time ahead when you may be a surviving spouse. You also may find this article helpful in supporting a widowed friend or relative on her new journey.
#1. Don’t Stay Stuck: Accept Healing and Growth
The grieving process is unique to each widow, but one common pitfall many women face is the temptation to remain stuck in grief. While mourning is a natural and necessary part of the healing journey, dwelling in it for too long can hinder personal growth and block the emergence of a refreshed sense of self.
Widows can break free from potential emotional stagnation by engaging in the healing process. Seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors can provide a safe space for expressing emotions and gaining valuable insights. Joining support groups tailored for widows can be beneficial. Connecting with others who share similar experiences fosters a sense of community and understanding. This helps transform your grief into a purposeful future.
Thousands of widows have helped other women through two outstanding organizations with local and virtual social chapters: Modern Widows Club and Soaring Spirits International. Indeed, I’ve been invited to speak at national conferences hosted by both of these groups.
#2. Live on Your Own Terms: Rediscover Independence
I found one of the most empowering aspects of widowhood was the opportunity to rediscover and embrace my independence. After years of shared life decisions and responsibilities, learning to live on my own terms was both liberating and daunting.
Reclaim Your Identity
Marriage often involves compromises and shared identities. When you find yourself alone, it’s an opportunity to reconnect with your personal interests and passions. What activities did you enjoy before marriage? What new hobbies or skills have you always wanted to explore?
Exploring new interests or revisiting old hobbies can be a powerful way to redirect focus and energy. Whether it’s picking up a paintbrush, or participating in a local book club, engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment helps to create a positive trajectory for the future. For me, enrolling in continuing education programs and earning advanced certifications gave me additional professional capabilities I valued.
Independence takes on a whole new meaning for mature widows. Living on your own terms after loss requires a deliberate and conscious effort to redefine and assert your identity. It’s not a matter of simply settling for what’s tolerable.
Embrace Solitude
Learning to enjoy solitude is a vital part of rediscovering independence. This doesn’t mean isolating yourself, but rather finding peace and contentment in your own company. Solitude can be a time for introspection, personal growth, and self-care. It can be as simple as enjoying a cup of tea while reading a book, going for a walk, or meditating. After Tom’s death, I learned to meditate, which continues to be a part of my daily routine many years later.
Make Your Own Decisions
Widowhood forces you to become the sole decision-maker, which can be intimidating but also empowering. From financial decisions to lifestyle choices, taking control of your life fosters a sense of autonomy and confidence. Seek advice when needed, but trust in your ability to steer your life in the direction that feels right for you.
Deciding to sell my home and buy a condo with my friend was a formidable decision. But ultimately, it brought me a sense of accomplishment and freedom. My new residence was much easier to maintain, and I could walk to interesting museums, art galleries, music venues, live theater, and my congregation in this new community.
#3. Invest in Yourself: Nurture Mind, Body, Soul, and Money
A third secret to a resilient life is investing in yourself – caring for your mind, body, and soul. This holistic approach to self-care ensures you are living a balanced and fulfilling life.
Continuous Learning
Engaging your mind through ongoing learning keeps you mentally sharp and curious about the world. Take a class in a subject that interests you, attend workshops, or even learn a new language before traveling to a foreign country – maybe with other solo older women travelers. I enrolled in a writers’ group where I learned new skills and met an interesting community of like-minded individuals.
Physical Well-being
Caring for your health is crucial. Regular exercise, a nutritious diet, and sufficient rest are foundational to feeling good in your body. Find activities you enjoy, such as Pilates, swimming, or walking in nature. Physical well-being enhances your mood and energy levels, contributing to an overall sense of well-being. I joined the YMCA, with my health insurance paying membership dues. I also love to bicycle when I can. Exercise is my happy drug of choice!
Spiritual and Emotional Care
Nurturing your soul is just as important as caring for your mind and body. Engage in practices that bring you peace and joy, such as meditation, prayer, or spending time outside. Building a support system through friendships, support groups, or therapy can provide emotional nourishment and help navigate the complexities of widowhood. Once a month I meet with my small covenant group at church. This is an important spiritual connection for me.
Mind Your Money Matters
Our study, which was published in the Journal of Financial Planning, examined widows’ self-empowerment. We found that losing a spouse can have a devastating financial effect on the widow who is left behind, particularly if the deceased spouse was the more financially empowered partner in the marriage.
Financial independence will be a crucial part of your journey. Assess your money situation, set realistic goals, and seek professional advice if needed to empower you to make informed decisions. Understanding your financial landscape allows you to navigate this new chapter with confidence and resilience.
After your initial heavy grief stage, you’ll be ready for financial growth. Here’s a free Financial Steps for Recent Widows eBooklet that may be helpful in the early stages of widowhood. Also check out the outstanding free WISER Widowhood Resources information provided by the Women’s Institute for a Secure Retirement. You can also find links to many articles I’ve written about widows and money on my website.
Celebrate Small Wins
Celebrate your progress and victories along the way. Recognize and appreciate the resilience and strength you’ve shown in rebuilding your life. These celebrations reinforce your self-worth and motivate you to continue investing in yourself. One of my favorite ways to celebrate is to enjoy a small, yummy cup of blackberry-lemon twist ice cream from the local Dairy Haus.
I Wish You Well on Your Widow’s Path
Embracing life on your own terms as a mature widow can be a journey of resilience, not settling for less than you deserve, and self-care. By not staying stuck, rediscovering your independence, and investing in yourself, you can lead a fulfilling and vibrant life. Granted, this will be a different life. And it can be a good life.
My experience has taught me that while the path may be challenging, it’s also filled with opportunities for growth, joy, and new beginnings. Whether you find love again like me when I remarried five years ago… or continue on a solo journey, know that your life is a precious canvas—paint it with the colors bringing you happiness and fulfillment.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What suggestions would you give new widows to enhance their resilience? If you’ve experienced widowhood, how is your journey going? What helpful advice did you receive from other widows after your spouse’s death? Please join the conversation.
What a very good article. My beloved husband passed away 17 years ago, I was 47. I had to reinvent myself and keep moving forward for out 2 teenage children. The grief/bereavement groups just didn’t cut it at my young age. I had to just do it on my own. I got out there and kept going. It’s not easy, good days and bad days but I am still learning new things. The biggest help was joining a local widow meet up group. I have all new friends with an unfortunate commonality, widowhood. I joined walking groups, hiking groups and spend more time with my church community. I hike, country line dance, go to live performances and enjoy meeting new people and having new adventures. My children keep me busy and I am still living in our home. I learned to vegetable garden and care for the flower gardens my husband meticulously maintained. I am very proud of the person I have become, and yes, I miss him every day but I know he is watching, that cardinal in the yard makes me smile!
Your positive tenacity and perseverance shine through in your comments. I agree that your husband is watching and is so proud of you. Thanks for sharing how you have moved forward.
I lost my husband 3 years ago. We were together from when I was 15, a total of 51 years. I have forged a new path for myself that includes my interests of exercise,learning new things, fashion, make up, interior decorating, travelling and most importantly family & friends.
It sounds like you are making your way well in your new life. After 51 years together, the transition certainly wasn’t easy, but you are doing it! Good for you, Carol.
I have been widowed 16 years. It is a challenge, still, at times. Thank you for your mention of Soaring Spirits. It is an organization near and dear to my heart. A real lifesaver. And I now have a network of very close friends in the town I moved to.
I’m so glad you found Soaring Spirits. Your friends there “get it” in ways that many folks do not. Perhaps I’ll meet you someday at Camp Widow.
My husband of 40 yrs. pasted away 12 1/2 yrs. ago. I am not interested in getting involved with anyone else at my time of life (72 yrs. old). Consider myself independent and want to keep it that way. A Hermit, But Happy
Many gals our age are quite happy being independent. Lots of mature women prefer to remain single after widowhood, and it’s the right choice for them. Stay happy!
It’s really hard being a widow. You are accountable to you. But where there is challenge there is strength. I sought counseling after my husband died. I was a young widow-62. I chose to get better. I found new love a few years later. He too is a widow. Our late spouces were and still are very much a part of us. But we look to the future. And the future is looking great.
I’m glad you found later life love. I, too, met and later married a widower. We joke that our late spouses pulled the strings to get us together. Indeed, sometimes it’s like the four of us are sitting around the table talking. Love will always be there for our prior mates and our new partners.