Don’t Let Negative Self-Talk Tank Your Dreams

A friend and I were enjoying a pleasant afternoon walk through the local park after having had lunch together. We happened upon what must have been an art class. Half a dozen young people, each at an easel, were valiantly painting the nature scene in front of them, with varying degrees of success. Their teacher walked around to each, pointing out one thing or another.

My friend sighed and muttered “if only” under her breath, as we turned to walk on. “If only – what?” I asked.

“Well, I would love to paint, but that’s never gonna happen.”

“Why not?”

“Come on, you know me, I’m not artistic. I’m a computer geek. I’ve been writing code for the past 20 years, that’s all I know. Algorithms, that sort of thing. I’ve never even played an instrument.”

“So?”

“Like I’m gonna suddenly discover an artistic vocation at 65? Yeah, right. So, how’s the family?”

It was my turn to sigh because I knew that my friend’s view of herself was the only thing standing in the way of her undertaking an artistic endeavor, with all the potential joy it could bring her.

How We Speak to Ourselves Matters

While my friend was talking, I was reminded of the powerful way in which Seun Adebiyi transformed his experience as an Olympic hopeful, unexpectedly diagnosed with lymphoma and leukemia. He absolutely refused to consider himself, as did his doctors, as “a cancer patient” but rather thought of himself as “an Olympic hopeful who just happened to be overcoming cancer.” What a marvelously life-affirming perspective. And yes, he successfully recovered and went on to a fulfilling career.

Psychological research supports the tremendous impact of how we view and therefore speak to ourselves about ourselves. Positive self-talk has been shown to be of great benefit in everything from losing weight to combatting depression to achieving excellence in sports and more. My friend was defeating her dream of painting before she even got near a paintbrush just by how she viewed herself: “Once a geek, always a geek.”

Learning The Tango

Victoria Zaragoza-Martinez, at 79, is having more fun than she ever imagined possible, dancing Argentine Tango, specifically the “Milonga” form of Tango. Victoria didn’t start as a Tango dancer. She was a lot closer to my friend’s “geek” description, having been a teacher and a support for her single Mom, and later a translator as well.

Victoria had danced some of the Spanish traditional dances as a young person, being originally from Spain, but then between school and work, that stopped. But once Victoria retired, she realized something was missing from her life, and after some false starts, found herself taking Tango lessons. It took her a while to muster up the courage to attend social dances – what if she couldn’t follow the steps? What if no one chose to dance with her? Yet Victoria persisted and now attends up to five Milonga social dances a month. It has become her passion, her joy.

Victoria could never have discovered the Tango dancer within her if she’d told herself what we so often say, “I’m too old,” or “I’ve never done anything like that” or her version of geek: “Once a teacher, translator, always a teacher, translator.” On the contrary, Victoria had to be open to the idea that anything is possible and be willing to give it a try. Is she a world-class Tango dancer? Probably not. Does that matter? Absolutely not. Is Victoria having a blast? Absolutely yes and that is what matters.

Don’t let what you say to yourself about yourself limit your life. You can be whatever you want if you accept the infinite number of ways that it may come to you and as long as your goal is to increase happiness in your life and not to accumulate trophies or plaques. And as long as you let your chosen activity bring you a measure of joy, then who knows?

And yes, my friend is now painting. Hesitantly, unsure of herself, but with a grin that tells me, “Yup, she’s happy!”

Let’s Reflect:

What have you always wanted to try but have never gotten the courage? What activity did you begin later in life that has brought you joy?