What Do You Choose: Love or Fear?

Love and fear are often on the opposite ends of the spectrum. But they also go hand in hand.

Speaking of Love

Volumes have been written about love in its many forms – romantic, friendship, familial, universal, practical, and self-love – to name a few. When we hear the word “love” we may even picture an actual example of one of the types of love. I just spent a couple of days with my four sisters at a lovely resort which we try to do at least annually. We shopped together, shared family stories, expressed concerns, and enjoyed good food and music. I feel so blessed for my siblings’ familial love!

How About Fear?

You may fear failure, loss, change, intimacy, judgment, success, loneliness, rejection, the unknown, or something else. Several years ago, I took a trip to my home state for a conference. Since I was not far from the town where my parents are buried, I decided to visit their graves. The day I set aside turned out to be cold and rainy. It was not pleasant at all, and I had to stop to get directions to the cemetery.

I had a mental picture of the location of my family’s plot in the cemetery but still drove up and down several rows before I found the gravesite. As I got out of the car, the rain turned to sleet. It was very uncomfortable.

As I stood in front of the graves, I realized that I was carrying the impression that my parents were disappointed in me. (Upon later reflection, an experience in second or third grade was the origin. That is a story for another time.) I started to apologize to my parents and a clear message came from them, “We are not disappointed in you, we love you, and are proud of you.”

It was as if the sun had suddenly come out! I started smiling and laughing, and my whole trip took on a new meaning. The judgment had I carried with me for years melted away, and I no longer felt the sting of the sleet.

True Opposites

Some people think that the opposite of love is hate while others say the opposite of love is fear. I vote for the latter because it is my observation that fear is the underlying reason for many other emotions, including hate.

For example, all of us have strong feelings about money from our childhood. Let’s say you grew up in a household where income did not cover all expenses or covered only the basics. Maybe those feelings play out in an ongoing fear of never having enough money which feeds compulsive buying or hoarding. You want to make up for skimping as a child. Maybe you fear that you will end up living on the street even though your savings are adequate, and you are surrounded by friends and family that would never let that happen.

For many people, there is a fear or distrust of outsiders. The family and friends that surround us make us feel comfortable. We accept the rituals and social order of our community. But step outside that box or have a new person enter your world, and there may be discomfort. You may circle the wagons or erect walls. “What will that person do or say? Will they take my job? What do they believe and is that a threat to me?”

My family moved frequently as I grew up. Each new community meant making new friends and learning new customs in addition to finding places to shop for groceries, a car repair, a church, or the dry cleaner. Yes, there was a fear – a discomfort that goes with the unknown – but it became easier with each move. I am fortunate that I also have a twin sister who helped me adjust.

Did I feel accepted by each new community? Not always, and I have to admit that I did not deal with some of the feelings of being an outsider until I was an adult.

My mother had a beautiful soprano voice. She was frequently asked to sing at weddings, funerals, and other church functions. A new family moved to our town and joined our church. The woman had an equally beautiful voice, and requests for my mother to sing dropped dramatically. Mom felt rejected and hurt. So great was her hurt that my parents chose to attend another church. However, my parents did not force my sister and me to change churches, and we chose not to.

Choosing What to Feed

Fears play out in our lives and in the world in many ways. Unfortunately, our reactions to things we fear are often negative and we put up defenses or we choose to just walk away. If we, instead, analyzed our fears and tried to understand them, our world would benefit.

Now is the time to understand more so we fear less. I propose – now is the time to love more so we fear less.

Some of you may have read the following story:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. He explains, “A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil – representing anger, envy, sorrow, greed, arrogance, and other negative emotions. The other is good – embodying joy, peace, love, hope, kindness, and compassion.”

The grandson asks, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee wisely responds, “The one you feed.”

May we all feed the “good” wolf!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Would you be willing to share an example of a situation or circumstance in which you felt fear and successfully worked through it? What did you do?