How Estranged Mothers Can Find Acceptance and Healing

Dear Estranged Mother and Father,
For those of you who have been truly abusive, kindly distance yourselves. The remaining individuals, please pause and diligently attend to the following: The actions of your grown child are not a reflection of anything you have done. Your grown child never required a legitimate reason to sever ties with you. Your grown child understands that you are not a narcissist or an abuser.

To your grown child, you represent an easy target. You are readily accessible and a convenient sacrifice. Furthermore, there are countless others like you. This means that your grown child can attain the one thing they desire above all else: witnessing, presuming, and being aware of your suffering in their absence.

They want you to agonize over what you may have done wrong. They want you to invest time, money, and excessive energy into reconnecting with your beloved offspring.

Additionally, your grown child derives satisfaction from discussing with fellow adult children how they have severed ties with you. They claim to seek ‘peace’ and accuse you, as the offending party, of refusing to take responsibility for your actions.

When you attempt to defend yourself, a united group of adult children embark on seek-and-destroy missions to promptly negate any speck of truth you may offer. A collective assemblage of uncredentialed and a few credentialed psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists dissect each word you utter in order to establish your evident narcissism.

Alternatively, they may assert that you have bipolar disorder or that you are a psychopathic sociopath. Even if you have received a diagnosis ruling out the aforementioned ailments, you (and your psychiatrist, by extension) will not be granted belief.

Furthermore, your grown child will rationalize any parental abuse they inflicted upon you. That time they siphoned money from your bank account? Well, surely that was your fault. You failed to provide them with the extravagant items they desired. Or that instance when they physically attacked you with no provocation? Well, you simply would not cease communication with them. Never will they consider that you were discussing their responsibility to clean up a mess they had left behind.

Neither will they acknowledge the significant property damage amounting to thousands of dollars that they caused in your home. No, to them, you are the problem. You are the parent. Their behavior must inevitably stem from your shortcomings. No, scratch that, it unquestionably originates from your flaws. They will stop at nothing to ensure the world remains ignorant of, or refuses to believe, your account.

At some point, your cherished children held you in high regard. They viewed you as their loving parents and experienced a profound connection and sense of belonging in your presence.Then the advent of social media intervened. They observed other children garnering attention by blaming their parents.

Observing the transition of a ‘my parent is a narcissist’ post, from garnering a mere like to reaching millions, is not an uncommon occurrence. It depicts a frenzied congregation of individuals seeking a sense of unity. The underlying cause is inconsequential; the hunger for belonging and attention-seeking takes precedence.

These individuals are well aware of their influence. Additional parents, often wanting to avoid the same fate, other family members, and strangers hastily join in, condemning you, despite their lack of insight into the true nature of the events that transpired between you and your adult child.

Everyone feels entitled to passing judgment, even without any personal knowledge of you. In this chaos, you unwittingly play your part as well. You plead, you shout, you proclaim, ‘But I am innocent! I did nothing wrong!’ Yet, this is where you falter gravely, as the veracity of your actions holds no significance. It matters not whether you committed any wrongdoing or were an exceptional parent.

The sole relevance lies in the fact that you must be subjected to punishment. Cease this behavior. Release your grip. Parenthood is a lifelong commitment, occasionally accompanied by ease and joy. Witnessing the development of the little, precious being you once brought into this world, watching them excel in academics, embark on careers, enter matrimony, have children, and embrace contented lives, can bring immense satisfaction.

However, there are instances where the path is marred by ugliness. You find yourself discarded like refuse. Blame is attributed to you, falsehoods are spread, trust is shattered, and rejection becomes your unwelcome companion. As a parent, your innate instinct demands that you correct the perceived wrongs, striving to prove to your cherished offspring that you are not their adversary.

Nevertheless, your beloved child has matured into an adult, having assumed their own chosen identity. The arduous endeavor begins now. You must relinquish your hold, severing emotional ties. Embrace your own existence, flourish, discover joy, and reestablish self-belief, perhaps even for the first time.

This is your moment to find your kin. Seek out other parents, akin to yourself, who comprehend that refraining from discussing adult children is often the most prudent course of action for estranged parents. After all, these individuals are now adults, capable of weathering life’s storms independently. It’s ok to let go. The time has arrived for you to embark on your own journey.

Choose you.