Grieving at the Holidays: Through the Eyes of a Funeral Director

Some call it “the happiest time of the year,” but it can feel like jingle hell for others.

The holiday season has always been a time of joy and celebration, when families come together to share laughter, love, and create lasting memories.

Celebrating or Mourning?

But for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays can be an especially challenging and painful time, a stark contrast to the joy and celebration of this season. While many come together to share good times, others gather to make funeral arrangements or to attend funerals.

As a funeral director, I have witnessed the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time. In the early years of my career, it was not unusual for wakes to be held on Christmas Day. I recall spending the holiday in the funeral home with grieving families who saw it as spending their last Christmas together with a loved one. The pain was palpable, but so was the sense of togetherness and unity among the families.

These days, Christmas Day visitations in the funeral home are rare, but I witness the complex emotions and unique struggles that grieving families face during this time.

Redefining Traditions

They often grapple with whether to carry on with the festivities or shroud the holiday season in sorrow. Some choose to redefine their traditions, altering them to honor the memory of their loved ones. They light a special candle, hang a personalized ornament on the tree, or set aside a place at the table for their departed loved one.

These acts serve as a way to include their loved ones in the celebrations and as a source of comfort and connection to what they have lost. It’s a beautiful way to keep their memory alive and feel their presence during the holidays.

Still, for others, the holiday season serves as a painful reminder of the empty chair at the dinner table, the absence of a loved one’s laughter, or the void left by their touch. The colorful lights, cheerful carols, and bustling shopping malls only serve to highlight the emptiness that death has left behind. The living not only mourn the loss of a loved one but also grieve the loss of the traditions and festivities they once shared. The joy and excitement of the season are replaced by a bittersweet nostalgia, a constant reminder of what used to be.

Those Who Grieve Need Understanding

The expectations of other people often complicate the grieving process during the holidays. Friends and family, eager to spread cheer, may inadvertently overlook the needs of the bereaved. Invitations to holiday parties and cheery greetings can feel like salt in an open wound.

Grieving families find themselves trapped in a web of unspoken sorrow, longing for understanding and support from those around them. It’s crucial to check in on the bereaved, to offer understanding and a listening ear as they traverse the complex emotions that intertwine with the holiday season’s joy and grief.

Grieving during the holidays is a deeply personal and nuanced journey. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to navigate this difficult time; each person’s experience is unique. They must find their own path through the festive lights and shimmering decorations. Creating a new tradition can be a helpful way to keep the spirit of loved ones alive during the holiday season. It may also bring a sense of comfort and peace amidst the pain of loss.

Ideas for Working Through Grief During the Holidays

1. Attend a support group. Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss can provide a sense of community and understanding.
2. Hang a special ornament on the tree.
3. Donate to a charity in the deceased’s name. Consider causes that were important to your loved one. This can give the act of donation a more personal and meaningful touch.
4. Hang a stocking on the mantel in their honor.
5. Prepare the deceased’s favorite food and set a place at the table for them.
6. Make a special toast in their name.
7. Wrap a gift for your loved one.
8. Tell a favorite holiday story about them.
9. Be comforted by your faith.
10. Attend a remembrance service. Funeral homes and cemeteries often have them.
11. Visit the cemetery. Many decorate the grave with holiday floral blankets or wreaths.
12. For the new year, strive to embody their best qualities.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Does this make the holiday celebrations more difficult? What would be more helpful to have this time of year to make it easier?