How to Deal with Estranged Adult Kids When You Did Your Best
Dealing with the estrangement of adult children, especially after putting forth your utmost effort as a parent, is undoubtedly one of life’s most heart-wrenching experiences. Being disconnected despite having dedicated years to their upbringing can leave you questioning yourself and your choices.
If you face this challenging situation, remember that your journey is unique to you and your emotions are valid. While there’s no quick fix for healing such wounds, there are steps you can take to find inner peace and lay the groundwork for potential reconciliation.
Acknowledge Your Efforts
As parents, we often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, believing we should have been able to prevent estrangement. Remembering parenting is a complex journey, filled with highs and lows, is crucial.
Each child’s path is unique, and external factors significantly shape their choices. Reflect on the positive aspects you’ve nurtured within them and acknowledge the efforts you’ve invested. Understand that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources available to you at the time.
Validate Your Feelings
Estrangement triggers a whirlwind of emotions that can feel overwhelming. The sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion you’re experiencing are all normal responses to this situation. Allow yourself to grieve the connection you once shared and the hopes you had for the future. You permit yourself to process and healthily work through your feelings by validating them.
Let Go of Blame
The instinct to shoulder the blame for a strained relationship is common, but it’s essential to release this burden. Various factors beyond your control shape your child’s choices and actions. Remember that they are independent beings with their own experiences and decisions. Let go of the notion that you’re solely responsible for their current state of mind.
Understand Their Perspective
It’s essential to consider your adult child’s perspective on the situation. Some estranged adult children may cite perceptions of abuse, toxicity, or betrayal as reasons for their departure. While hearing such claims is challenging, please take a moment to reflect on their feelings. Self-reflection doesn’t necessarily imply agreement; it demonstrates empathy and a willingness to understand their viewpoint.
Reach Out with Openness
If you believe the time is right and feel comfortable, consider reaching out to your estranged child. Approach the conversation with an open heart and a willingness to listen. Express your desire to understand their perspective and find common ground. Be prepared for reactions – they might be receptive, hesitant, or resistant. Regardless of the outcome, taking this step shows your commitment to healing.
Seek Professional Support
Dealing with estrangement can immensely affect your emotional well-being. Seeking professional help, such as counseling or therapy, can provide a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. A trained therapist can offer guidance, tools, and coping strategies to navigate this challenging period. Their objective perspective can shed light on dynamics you might not be able to see on your own.
Prioritize Self-Care
In times of emotional distress, self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. Engage in activities that bring you joy, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment. Connect with friends, family, or support groups to share your feelings and experiences. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network can remind you that you’re not alone on this journey and can provide much-needed comfort.
Cultivate Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be arduous but holds immense power in the healing process. Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning hurtful actions; it’s about releasing the grip of resentment that weighs you down. Start by forgiving yourself for any perceived shortcomings as a parent. As you progress, consider extending forgiveness to your child, recognizing their humanity and the complexities that influenced their choices.
Stay Open to Different Outcomes
It’s natural to yearn for reconciliation and envision a complete restoration of your relationship. However, the path to healing might only sometimes unfold as you hope. Be open to the possibility that your renewed connection might take a different form, one that might not immediately resemble the past but still holds value and potential for growth.
Focus on Personal Growth
Estrangement, while painful, can also serve as an opportunity for personal growth and reflection. Channel your energy into discovering new hobbies, pursuing unexplored interests, or enhancing your skills. Embrace the chance to reconnect with your identity outside your parent role. This growth can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your aspirations.
Every Situation Is Unique
Most importantly, remember that every parent’s perspective and process is different. Your view of the information presented here may not fit your situation. I hope parents and adult children can move toward healing and finding joy again.
Some set boundaries and don’t see their family members for a while. Others may have hope that the relationship will improve. But, whatever your family member decides, you can still do your best to process your grief and find a path to a fulfilling life.
The information and suggestions in this article are meant to support and encourage as they have done with many adult children and parents in my practice. Doing our best doesn’t mean we are perfect; it means we did what we could at the time with the resources we had.
In conclusion, navigating estrangement with adult children is an intricate journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to heal. While there’s no guarantee of reconciliation, remember that your growth and well-being matter deeply. By taking these steps, you’re honoring your resilience and paving the way for a future grounded in peace and acceptance.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What practices have helped you move forward? What do you think is most important for your healing journey?
How about adopting personal responsibility for your own actions instead of instead of having 11 sections that run from it or evade it. I guess we couldn’t have anyone do that, that might actually help and putting in action to change (this is loosely talked about).
As a daughter who has gone almost completely no contact with her mother I hope I can shed a little light and help with seeing things from a different perspective. My true issue with my mom is her unwillingness to admit/accept responsibility for her choices. As a mother myself I understand that sometimes your options are not ideal and we do the best we can for our kids. At the same time that doesn’t mean the best choice was a good one. Pain and damage can still be done. As children they are not responsible for that. We are. I had undiagnosed ADHD. My mom knew something was wrong. Took me to a free counseling thing through a church program. I had lots of issues because of choices she had made in my early years and had trouble socializing. So the counseling went nowhere. She never took me to anyone else. During a recent conversation she said it was my fault for not talking to the counselor. I was 7. Even adults have a hard time talking about these things. I thought I was broken for most of my life. Her position has always been ‘its over and in the past. I can’t change it now so move on.’ That most likely is a coping mechanism that has helped her through the very tough life she lived but it is the opposite of helpful now. There is much more to the story that is very painful to speak about and every time I have tried to bring it up she blames me and excuses herself by saying she did the best she could and she’s not perfect. I never said she didn’t or that she had to be. She won’t admit that she put her head in the sand and waited till I was old enough to leave me without much guilt. She never supported me. Always criticized me. Every conversation is about her. Not once ‘whats new, what have you been up to? ‘. Nothing but complaints about choices she made and yelling at me for not calling. The decision of whether I choose to completely end our relationship is still up in the air. I love her. That will never change. As a daughter I can forgive her as long as she sees the pain her ‘best’ caused me. As a mother myself… I don’t know if I can. There is no reality I can see where I do to my kids the things she did and allowed. If I did those things to my kids they would be taken away and I would be locked up for child abuse and neglect. Anyway, I hope my story helps some parents see what, I think, most of us kids who have gone no contact need. Accountability. Acknowledgement. Acceptance. Take accountability for your choices. Acknowledge the pain and harm those choices caused. Accept that your choices have shaped the relationship you have with your kids and always will. You can’t undo the past. But you can respect your children’s pain and perspective and give them some grace. Trust is earned and falling back into the old parent/child dynamic is harmful. They are adults now. Fully functioning and they feel everything as strongly as you do. This isn’t going to be the case for everyone but I hope if you resonate with my words you can step out of your shoes and take a walk in your children’s for a bit.
So. Tell yourself you did the best possible and absolve yourself of guilt (without self examining whether that’s true or not) Validate your own feelings but label the childs “citing” of abuse and trauma as just their “persepctive” then pat yourself on the back for “investing” (investment accurately implies boomer expectation of a return or payout” years into parenting people you chose to bring into this world. What a great piece of telling toxic people what they want to hear. Hope the clicks payoff.
Thank god. Someone else seeing the absolute U.N. amount of flags in this article. “PERCEPTIONS” of abuse and betrayal??? If you can’t even acknowledge reality, you have little hope of healing and having an authentic relationship. I find it so interesting that the blame always lies elsewhere and the solution is always forgiving *themselves*. Finally, anyone who thinks that prior generations had fewer estrangements has never done geneology. Family trees constantly cut off entire limbs. It may be called an “Irish goodbye” but it’s not exclusive to them.
Read Rules of Estrangement by Dr. Josh Coleman. It helped me. Estrangement is at an all time high in Millennials for lots of reasons including bad therapists. Even though parents have to concede all to get the kid to the table, a good therapist will help both empathize/resolve if both are willing. I am still hoping in time for my son who Xed out his whole family.🙏