Do You Worry to Protect Yourself from Bad Things Happening?
Do you know that this is a real type of worry and that there is an actual name for it? Most importantly, do you know you’re not alone in feeling this way?
Back to that in a moment.
I’m going to share something with you that is very personal. Why? Because I believe that which is personal is often universal, and if my sharing a struggle will help you feel like you’re not the only one, then it’s worth it.
The truth is we’re all human and anyone attempting to pretend they have no fears and that they’ve got it all figured out, isn’t being truthful.
And let’s face it, being truthful means being vulnerable, and according to Dr. Brene Brown, a professor, lecturer, author, PhD, “Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience.” And one way of protecting ourselves from vulnerability, is what she calls, “foreboding joy.” She says, “We think that if we don’t worry, something bad will happen, or that if it does happen, we will be more prepared.”
Heaven forbid we feel too happy because that’s when the shoe will fall, right?! And if we worry just enough, that will keep the bad things from happening.
My Worry Story
Case in point, my annual exam is when my worry warts would come out in full force. I just knew that the one time I went into the appointment happy, filled with joy, not worrying about the outcome of the exam… that’s when I’d be caught off guard and something bad would happen. That’s when I’d get the scary news that something was wrong.
Intellectually, I knew that I was not that powerful and that worrying would not prevent bad news. I also knew that worrying would not keep me from being blindsided or scared if my worst fears came true. But the less logical part of me lingered and when I read more from Brene Brown I had a huge ‘A Ha’ moment. She said:
“The truth is, that you can’t practice tragedy and it doesn’t make us feel better. We’re not more prepared when something bad happens. What we do end up doing, however, is squandering the joy that we need when something bad happens. Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience, and if you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.”
I had been dress rehearsing tragedy and I wasn’t the only one!
What Does Dress Rehearsing Tragedy Look Like?
Dress rehearsing tragedy, she explains, is imagining something bad is going to happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. She said: “How many of you have ever stood over your child while they’re sleeping and thought, ‘Oh my God, I love you’ – and then pictured something horrific happening? Or woke up in the morning and thought, ‘Oh my gosh, job’s going great. Parents are good. This can’t last.”
We cannot go through life depriving ourselves from feeling joy to prevent our worst-case scenarios from happening!
So, What Do We Do About Our Worry?
In her research, Brene Brown met people who had a profound capacity for joy. “The difference,” she says, “is that when something really blissful happened to them, they felt grateful. Instead of using it as a warning to start practicing disaster, they used it as a reminder to practice gratitude.”
Dr. Brown suggests when we feel the ‘what if’s’ come up, try to push those thoughts aside and focus on all the things you are grateful for. She also says to avoid honoring negative outcomes by ignoring your blessings.
In a nutshell: when we feel happy and full of joy and notice ourselves beginning to default into worry and dress rehearsing tragedy, the antidote is to lean into practicing gratitude.
What I’m Planning to Do
My annual appointment is a couple of months away, and yes, I’ve already felt that little black cloud trying to throw shade on my days and nights with the scary what-if’s. So, this is my game plan for myself and for those of you who have also become accomplished at dress rehearsing tragedy:
Acknowledge the Warnings
Instead of pushing those thoughts aside or ignoring them, which I think only helps them to grow larger and more threatening, I suggest acknowledging them and telling them thanks so much, they’re not needed anymore.
Replace Worry with Gratitude
Lean into and shine a bright light on everything that we are grateful for. Feel the glow from all the things that are good. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.”
Let’s Reflect Together:
Do you dress rehearse tragedy? Do you think worrying will protect you from bad things happening? Are you one of the people who accept all the goodness in your life and naturally lean into gratitude instead of worrying?
In the year after my younger son died, I constantly worried that something would happen to other members of my family. At times, it was a frantic feeling that was extremely hard to overcome. As time has passed, so has the frequency of that feeling. I occasionally feel it but don’t experience the manic energy and worry that accompanied it at first. Overall, I now recognize it as a reaction to sudden death and grief that I’ve learned to accept and grow through. This was a very good article, and I took several tips from it. Thank you!
Great article
Nyuk, thank you!
Oh my! In a nutshell, I always dress rehearse tragedy. Worry is so second nature to me
I almost don’t know how to feel unless I’m actively worrying. I really need to lean into gratitude. As parents it almost seems you need to be always worrying, but in the end
if there is a problem you will be so stressed out you will be less able to deal with it.
My mother was a professional worrier and would say – If I don’t worry about something, it happens. It has taught me to NOT worry and address problems just as they occur. One comment given already is that that is why we buy insurance because we “have to prepare for the worst”. My belief is that there are insurance policies for almost everything – BUT – one has to consider the possible consequence of NOT having that insurance. One example is health insurance choices when one weighs the possible financial responsibility if one takes the lowest cost insurance or car insurance – carry minimum legally required and practice safe driving. Life is so wonderful when you let God do your planning and you don’t have to worry.