Is There a Downside to Dating UP?

Considering our cultural norms, men traditionally make more money and are more highly educated than women who were born in the 1950s and earlier. Although today more women than men are pursuing master’s degrees, men are still making more in the workforce. As a result, it’s easy to see how women can find themselves in a situation where they are dating UP! But is it all rainbows and cotton candy?

Unbalance Can Cause Insecurity in a Relationship

Yes, there are other social currencies that can cause a sense of unbalance within a relationship, but financial success is the most popular. Of course, it’s fun to date a man who can afford to take me to nice places, but I don’t drive a Porsche or live in the Upper East Side in New York, and personally find mismatched levels of financial success polarizing in dating.

I’m a smart woman and realize that 85 percent of the things I worry about will never happen. However, that doesn’t stop me from letting crazy thoughts swim around in my brain. These are some of the things I needlessly worry about when I date someone at a higher income level:

• How can I spruce up my wardrobe – quickly? I’m almost 6’ tall and can’t buy much off the rack.
• Will his idea of travel exceed my budget?
• When we talk about money, am I confident enough to be honest about our socioeconomic differences?
• What will his sisters think? He may not know, but they’ll know what’s designer and what’s not.
• Will he think less of me because I’m in a lower tax bracket?

Of course, all these worries are ridiculous because I would never date a man who uses money as a romantic benchmark. However, it does highlight how insecurity can dampen the sparkle of a budding relationship.

Dating within Socioeconomic Status

Dating within your own socioeconomic status can naturally feel more comfortable for several reasons. You may find yourself seeking a partner with a similar background because you feel that they’ll also share your values and lifestyles.

Shared Values and Goals

Men and women from similar socioeconomic backgrounds often share similar ideas on how to enjoy their retirement years relating to their spending habits, lifestyle and travel preferences. This can create a sense of understanding and compatibility that makes relationships easier to navigate.

Access and Exposure

Unless you’re dating online, you may tend to meet men through social circles or communities that reflect your personal interests which are typically within your socioeconomic level. This limits how often you may meet men above those limits. However, if you’re dating online, you never know if you’re meeting a prince or a pauper until you get to know him.

Cultural Norms and Expectations

Societal norms and expectations can influence who you feel comfortable dating. However, if you’re like me, all the pressure I felt was self-induced.

What You Consider Practical

A similar bank account tends to correlate to similar life experiences and resources. When it does, it can result in a more balanced and stable relationship. When someone is at a higher income level it can be difficult to understand and accept their opposite point of view on emotionally charged issues like money.

Personally, I shook my head when I heard that my date purchased 100 pairs of lululemon yoga pants for his daughter at $98 a pair. I couldn’t wrap my head around why that was so important.  

Perceived Compatibility

Because your perception is your reality, you may naturally gravitate to men from a similar socioeconomic background because you perceive them as more compatible. The halo effect makes you believe that because you share some things you naturally share all things – which isn’t true of course, but our brain does move in that direction.

What Other Social Currencies Exist?

Even though money is the most common, there are other social currencies that can lead to someone dating UP. These include things such as education level, appearance, social circle, etc. In many cases, it can be hard to build a foundation with someone who appears mismatched to you according to social norms.

You may find at this stage of life it’s easier to create a happy, healthy, loving relationship with a man who is easy to flow with. This means he’s fairly matchy-matchy. He has similar interests and values, as well as being generally as attractive, intelligent and/or educated as you are. Is there scientific research to support this? No, but it seems as if it would be easier to create the right chemistry with someone who has a more aligned lifestyle. And regardless of his bank account, you still want to connect with someone who adds meaning to your life and shares a sense of deep emotional intimacy.

Expect It to Be Harder

So, don’t be surprised if when you date Up – or Down for that matter – that it’s harder than you expected. You’re melding lifestyles with someone you don’t relate to in a natural way. This applies to levels of intelligence, social skills, appearance, etc. The bigger the chasm at the beginning of a relationship, the more blending you’ll need to do.

In the end, relationships are about so much more than money, looks, or education. They’re about finding someone who gets you, supports you, and makes life better just by being there. Every relationship is unique and shaped by what you both truly value. It’s about finding someone who shares your passions, respects your goals, and makes your heart skip a beat whoever that may be.

Want to learn more about dating at this stage of life, click here to join my email list and receive my free newsletter. In the meantime, keep your heart open and ready for love.

Let’s Have a Discussion

Would you date someone in a dramatically different socioeconomic level than yourself? What about someone who is more/less attractive or educated. How much does ‘packaging’ matter in dating at this stage of life?