Dating Over 60: To Live Together or Not Together, That is the Question
At some point in most monogamous, over-60 relationships, the issue of whether or not to live together comes up. During the 60s and 70s, moving in with your sweetheart was so common and freewheeling that it earned the dubious label, “shacking up.”
It was a means to save money because in many ways two people could live together cheaper than two people living individually.
Sex, a daily experience for many of us way back when, was another appealing aspect of living together. Sex was always available. Granted, these live-in arrangements were rarely successful in the long term, but few of us were thinking very far ahead.
Now we’re in our 60s and 70s, and the notion of living together, while still having many of the earlier advantages, includes new issues never faced in youth. Caretaker is a word I hear frequently, and I’m not referring to bringing chicken soup to a loved one with the flu.
No, what I’m talking about is providing care for a sweetheart who has an illness that may not ever get better. Alzheimer’s comes to mind, but there is a slew of medical issues less deadly and debilitating that can impact relationships in a major way.
Dating Over 60 Complaints: I Don’t Want to Be a Nurse or a Purse
I’ve been a date coach for women over 60 long enough to have often heard the phrase, “I don’t want to be a nurse or a purse.” I don’t have any judgment about women who abide by this sentiment. Deciding to live together with a partner is a decision with implications that we ignore at our peril.
I’m 72 and my partner is 68. We’ve been dating and spending weekends and Wednesday nights together for nearly five years. We only decided to live together a few weeks ago. Since Nancy’s home is larger than mine, we’ll live in hers. But there’s more to the story.
I’m feeling an overwhelming need to have an adventure. I’m a youthful person, but even so, I’m uncertain how many adventures I have left to experience. I’m really Jonesing to live in another culture, at least for six months of the year, so I recently decided to live in Mexico.
There are several reasons besides wanting to live in another country. I love warm weather, so Mexico is obvious. I’ve grown tired of the U.S. political circus that will likely continue for years to come, and Latin culture seems far less burdened – even by its incredibly unpopular President.
Living Apart is an Option
My work as a writer and voiceover actor can be accomplished anywhere, Mexico included. But my partner, Nancy, is still working as a therapist and can’t go with me now.
She will visit me a few times during the six months I’m away, hopefully for a few weeks at a time, but we both realize our relationship is about to change. I’m not worried she’ll meet someone else and fall in love, and she feels similarly about me. We’re both already in love.
A New and Unusual Relationship
I’m planning to move into her home in September, then leave for Merida, Mexico late October. We’ll face the typical moving-in-together issues, but with a twist. After two months I’ll be gone for the next six.
Nancy and I believe our relationship might actually grow as we learn to live together/apart, independent of one another.
We live independent lives now, and our hope is that it is our independence that will make this new living arrangement viable.
We have friends separately and together and routinely spend time away from each other. We both reject the notion of being joined at the hip with each other.
I’ll blog about this new and unusual living arrangement as it unfolds. A few people have already asked for more information about how they might do a similar lifestyle change with their partners.
Ken’s new book, Your Guy is Out There, Dating Tips for Women Over 50 is available in eBook and Audiobook format. Visit his website for boomer dating articles, blogs, and videos.
If you started dating again, could you live with someone? Or, would you live separately? Are you living with someone part of the week, month or year? How is that working out? What advice would you give to someone who is about to try dating over 60? Please join the discussion below!
Tags Senior Dating Advice
I’m a F-56 and my partner M-61, I met my partner last October. He lives on the east coast and I on the west coast. We see each other once a month for at least 6 days each time. I’m loving it so far.
My partner and I have been dating for 6 months. He is 66 and I am 68. He works 6. Days week and I am retired. We have discussed moving in together – into my home. It’s a comfortable home…. It would give a chance to see more of each other than 1 day per weekend.
I am in this exact situation right now. I am engaged and my fiance’ is living with me in my rented home. I am F-65, he is M-61. Until he moved in, it was just me and my little pet cat, Essie Marie. My home is full, there is no room for anything else, at all. The storage room is so packed I can’t even walk in there. My boyfriend does nothing to help maintain the household. I take out the trash, go to the dump, wash the garbage containers, hose down the deck, get rid of ant piles, and pay for lawn care.
I go to the grocery after a 45 minute commute home from work (M-Th), I bring the groceries in, I put them away and I cook. Then I wash the dishes, I pick up his dirty clothes which are getting tar in my brand new machine and wash and dry them. Now I have to get on my knees and look for tar in my dryer so it won’t ruin my blouses. We have talked about all of this and not one thing has changed. Nothing. When I had a broken leg that required major surgery and a rebuilt ankle, he did nothing. He sat at the table, plays games on his phone, doesn’t like to be asked to do anything. If it’s anything more than “pass the salt please”, he gets mad. I wash all his clothes and he will not even put them away. He keeps both TV remotes at the dining room table where he keeps the channel on auto related stuff 24/7 and hands me the remote when he goes to bed at 8:30pm. I have to already be showered and everything before he goes to bed because the bathroom is on the other side of the bedroom and I bother him with the light on.
I just now told him I need some money for 1/2 of all the bills and groceries. He gives me $200 week, which is ok but I have to ask for it every time. He does nothing with his time but rides harleys and smokes weed. I have to clean and grocery shop and prepare meals all weekend and I’m so tired of this crap. I’m kicking him out when I get home today. NO do not move anyone in your peaceful home, it will ruin everything.
Why do you put up with it?
I agree with Sophia, I am a male 65yo, I wash my own clothes and clean up after myself, I am English and maybe in the US it is different, but $200 a week, my god this is terrible, and I am afraid you have just become a maid.
Amy, I wish you the best, but myself as a widowed guy who is now also looking for a new relationship, I would not expect a partner I live with to be both my mother and my maid. I want a friend, a partner and a companion.
DUMP HIM!!!
Maybe he is good in the sack but he is a burden to live with. At our age I expect a man to be at least capable to do his laundry, some shopping and make an omelette. Even my elderly widowed father is capable of doing that, and he is from a different generation.
This man is a parasite. There is no love in all this.
This is such a cliche situation, I’m having a hard time believing it’s real.
It sounds like you are living with a zombie waiting for the apocalypse.
Time to change it up, pull out the rug from under, start fresh.
Obviously, this is not your vision for your relationship and you are finally seeing who he really is. Hire people you can work with; you might need to fire this one.
Hold him to account or let him out of your life ( house) or keep this going the way it is going. As long as you are not under coercion, you can choose. It is clear your heart is telling you which way to go.
If you keep the placeholder in place,there is no room for your guy, the one who qualities you value, to show up.
Best wishes.