Coping with Grief: Take Your Time 

They say that time is a healer, but it is you who learns to heal, through time. You become a master of how to avoid the pain that seems to be in every cell in your body. You slowly learn that crying all day leads to constant headaches, fatigue and, eventually, exhaustion. You witness that life still goes on, even when it seems to be standing still. You find the life you once knew no longer exists. 

Everything Has Changed

When people ask how you are, you say, “I’m fine,” and give them that quick half smile that you have perfected so well in such a short space of time. Your eyes, for anyone who takes the time to notice, tell a different story. 

Your phone rings but you have no energy to answer. Food is tastelessly swallowed. Clothes are pulled on without a care, your hair is combed without a glance in the mirror. You’re grieving, you’re hurting, you want it all to stop. 

Accept Help

Lean on others when you need to, accept their help, kindness and love. You are doing the best you can, even though your heart is breaking. Somehow, someway we just carry on and do what we need to do. Often it is as though we are on automatic pilot. Don’t push yourself too hard. 

Is there a magic formula to heal? Sadly, no. There is no magic wand, or magic pill. But there are things you can do that, little by little, take the intensity, anguish, torture and the whole range of painful emotions a little further away, although right now you may think that can never be possible. 

If you are newly bereaved, you might think, ‘I don’t want to take the pain away; it would mean I love them less’. But nothing could be further from the truth. The loved one you have lost would not want to see you in pain. They would hold you, comfort you and tell you it will be alright. 

And it will be. 

Not today, or perhaps tomorrow, or maybe even next week or next month. But day by day you will get stronger. You will cope. You will be OK.

We Know from the Beginning

The one thing we know when someone is born is that, at some point, they will die. We all will. Yet it is not something most of us ever talk about or prepare for. For some strange reason, we think it will never happen. 

Every person who dies leaves behind a unique life story. They may have family, friends, neighbours, colleagues. They may die young or old. Their death may be gentle or difficult. It may have taken a long time or an instant. One thing is for sure, they all leave a huge hole in someone’s heart, and that is a very tough thing to plug. 

So, what can you do to help heal yourself? You don’t know what to do, you don’t know where to start, you don’t know how to start. You are emotionally drained, physically exhausted, struggling to eat, desperate for sleep and trying to hold yourself, and maybe others, together. 

Be Kind to Yourself

The most important thing to do is be kind to yourself. Give yourself space to grieve. It is painful. For most of us the most painful experience we will ever experience. You need love and care and that can come from you, as well as others. Be gentle with yourself. 

You will probably be surprised at the strength you have within you. Most of you will get up each day, brush your teeth, wash and get dressed. You will make yourself a drink and have something to eat. You may, without even thinking, make the bed, tidy the house, put on a load of washing and even do some shopping. It might feel like you are living in a strange dream. That this is someone else’s life, not yours. 

You Are Stronger Than You Think

But you are doing it. Somehow, almost without your knowledge, you begin living. It may not be perfect, it will not be the same life you once had, it may not even be what you want, but you are doing it. You are stronger, braver and more capable than you ever thought possible. 

From the initial moment of death the minutes roll into hours, the hours into days. Time passes and all we can do is get through the day, just one day at a time. 

Sometimes an hour can feel like a lifetime, other times it seems years have rolled by in just a few moments. Nothing seems as it was. 

Take your time.

Take a little comfort in the knowledge that it is something we all experience, something that unites us all. It is as perennial as the seasons and will go on forever more.

Be gentle with yourself.

For anyone experiencing grief at the moment, please accept my love and a very warm hug.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Why do you think people rarely talk about death? Whose passing left the biggest hole in you? How did you learn to cope with your grief?