You may be surprised, but how you self-talk creates your success… or failure. In life. In dating. In everything.

Quick example: I have a new 66-year-old client who told me she wasn’t sure anyone would want to date her – after all, she was widowed. I’m looking at her on our Zoom call thinking, “What? She’s darling! Dimples, gracious Texan accent and in great shape.”

And, I said, directly and bluntly, “Don’t ever say or think that again.” Other than her self-demeaning talk, she sounded quite confident. However, long married life had made her very nervous about dating again. Science has proven we have something like 70,000 thoughts a day – and 60-70% of them are negative. Isn’t that startling?

So how should you be talking to yourself? Here’s my advice that has worked with numerous clients.

Say to yourself, possibly out loud:

“I Make My Own Decisions, Take the Actions and Am Responsible for the Results.”

Yes, you should make your own decisions, take actions to complete them and be responsible for the outcomes. So, last week you played a lot of golf or tennis, binged The Diplomat, and went online once for 20 minutes. You now have no dates this week. Decision + Actions = Result.

“My Past Needn’t Be My Future.”

Sure, the past shapes us and has a huge impact on who we are today. Is change possible? My mom once told me the only certainty in life is change. She wasn’t talking about dating, just life in general. You may have been in an unhappy marriage. You may feel you wasted five years on a man who couldn’t commit.

Intelligent people learn from these mistakes. And guess what? When I’m working with them, they see red flags after one or two or maybe three dates and cut it off immediately. The past did affect the future in a great way in dating!

“I’m Not Easily Influenced by Others’ Opinions.”

You have no idea how many women have told me horror stories their friends have told them about online dating. Tons! I always laugh. Well, this isn’t 2005 or 2010 when the online dating world was still figuring out safety features.

How about this one: “My married friends tell me online dating is for losers.” And your married friends’ solution is…??? And they know this how?

“Self-Care Is Not the Same as Being Selfish.”

If don’t spend time taking care of yourself, who will? Self-care can mean many things to different people. For some, it may mean eating a healthy diet. For others, visiting the gym several times a week. Others practice yoga, meditation, go to lunch with friends, play rounds on the golf course, see their doctor on a regular basis, try a new hobby/sport or start or join a book club. None of these are selfish. Self-care is just you continuing to grow as a person.

“Optimism Will Help Me Succeed.”

If you think you are going to meet someone, you will. If you don’t, you won’t. While a positive attitude can lead to accomplishments, this certainly does not happen without actions and steps to control the outcome.

I saw an interesting YouTube video today of a Navy Seal talking about how he makes his bed first thing when he gets up. As he put it, one task done for the day.

Having a doable list of daily tasks/steps with dating can definitely matter. For example, one item you can certainly put on there is “I am going to get on my dating site at 12pm today and message 5 men. Not just look at the men’s profiles (that’s like looking at a messy bed and doing nothing), but take a step and reach out.” That’s the beginning of success!

Food for thought!

Happy Dating… and remember, there is a lid for every pot!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

So, what do you do on a weekly basis for self-care? Have you ever written a short list of tomorrow’s tasks before you went to bed? How easily are you influenced by others’ opinions?