Are Too Many Personal Goals Holding You Back in Your 60s?
Late one night, after a recent college reunion, I got to talking with a group of close friends. We’d had a few drinks. And having split our sides laughing over the course of two days about our shared pasts, we began to muse about our individual futures.
One of my friends suggested that we each set a goal we’d like to accomplish by the time we hit our next five-year reunion. He created a make-shift whiteboard out of our cardboard beer carton, so we could write our goals down and hold each other accountable.
The reaction around the room was a tell-tale study in contrasts. The guy who initiated the idea said that he’d like to undertake at least one major creative project by the proposed deadline.
Someone else – who’d endured a particularly gruelling year – said that she couldn’t set long-term goals right now as she was just trying to live day to day.
A third friend confessed that he knew exactly what his goal was, but that it was so deeply fraught and personal that he didn’t want to articulate it just then.
A fourth friend looked at us all blankly. “Honestly?” she said. “I can’t think of anything major.” She paused to give it a bit more thought. “Maybe to keep on improving in CrossFit?”
As for me, I piped up with one goal. And then another. And then a third. I quickly realized that if I didn’t shut up, my personal goal list would completely dominate our whiteboard.
What Are Goals Doing for You?
At first, I felt smug after this discussion. “Yay, me!” I thought to myself. “I’m so focused and determined! I’m awesome!”
I was particularly pleased that my goals extended into all aspects of my life. Not only that, I could name them and own them. I was proud of myself.
But after a couple of weeks passed, I began to question my complacency. Why was it, I asked myself, that I needed so many goals?
Why couldn’t I be more like my CrossFit friend? She was, apparently, so satisfied with what she’s achieved thus far in life, that she could afford to focus on something as seemingly trivial as an exercise regime. No disrespect to cross fitters out there. I know it’s gruelling!
The answer is that goals provide me with an excuse for movement. My worst fear in life is slowing down.
When I move forward – even in a frenzied state – I feel alive. I don’t have to succumb or even catch a glimpse of that awful feeling I associate with stillness. Which is one of fear and sadness that the game is up, and I am only me, warts and all. There is no more chance for self-improvement.
How Dreams Help
Not long after my reunion, I had a dream that I was back in college with that same group of friends. In the dream, I discovered that I had failed to write a term paper that was due in two weeks’ time. I’d had an entire semester to prepare for this assignment, and yet somehow, I’d let it slide.
Panicking, I rushed to the library to do all the necessary research. But as I ran towards the card catalogue – yes, I went to college back in the day when we still had card catalogues… along with the horse and buggy – I noticed a bunch of people off to one side of the room.
They were swinging on a swing set… in the library.
I’ve written before about the window my dreams afford into my psyche. On one level, of course, this dream is merely an apt representation of the person I was in college: someone who, as the phrase has it, worked hard and partied hard. Hence, the duelling images of the library and the swing set.
But I don’t think that’s really what this dream was about. I think it was about my current mid-life quest to integrate the two halves of myself. To allow the manager and the maker to co-exist together, rather than one half dominating the other.
That’s why the swing set is inside the library. The dream isn’t offering these images as stark alternatives. It is encouraging me to bring those two selves together.
In Search of Peace
Which brings us back to goals. What that dream told me is that I need to stop continually setting new goals for myself. Instead, I need to replace all my micro-goals with one, over-arching macro-goal: that of achieving peace within.
If I can do that, then I won’t need the constant churn of goal-setting and goal-replacement. I will just be. And maybe that can be my own form of CrossFit.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What goals have you set yourself for the next five years? Which ones do you think are the most important to you? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Tags Inspiration
You need to catch up with the work of Arthur Brooks. Check out his speeches on YouTube. He talks about exactly this topic and takes it much further.
Yes I’m very familiar with him Gerry. Thanks!
Good title for your next book: The Swingset in the Library.
I cannot think of a five-year goal right now. I tend to think seasonally.
“During the winter, my indoor project is—-” and “This upcoming summer,
I’m turning my attention to XYZ.” But mostly, this is the year I turn to nurturing me and my friends rather than the draining client base of needy, sad people (family law attorney). Sometimes we have to think in terms of “not” as in — I am not going to die in a courtroom. What are you NOT going to do this year? Mourn past mistakes you cannot undo?
Letting go of anchors frees you. Worrying about whether I accomplish my five-year goal
could lead to unhappy pressure and feelings of failure.
OOO I like this Catherine. I’ve just created a “Not to do” list (an idea I stole from Tim Ferriss if I’m honest.) I look at it every day. It’s the top five things I will NOT do this year. I am also intrigued by your seasonal goals-that appeals to me as I tend to think in quarters as much of my work is at universities. Thanks for dropping by!
I really like these insights. I, too, have always been a goal-setter, and now at 70 it seems tiresome and a rather restrictive way to live. I hope to just be and be happy about it in 2024.
Yeah, no. Goal setting has never worked as a motivator for me. There were really big ‘musts’ like I’ve got to graduate college so I can work overseas if I want to, or I’ve got to get a job, but not “I want to accomplish x in 5 years’. I don’t know who I’ll be then, let alone next year. I’d rather just focus on trying to grow and see where that takes me. It feels much more authentic than setting an arbitrary goal.
Wow! Another timely article for me to read. I reached 65 last year and as my son drove me home, he asked me what I was going to do in my retirement years. I had thought about it but since I am in the process of a divorce, it was hard for me to fully understand what I had planned to do except to get through each day as best as possible. I was in the process of ending 41 years of marriage:(. I was learning about myself and how to be strong and resilient in the midst of adversity. I was a little annoyed at myself at not having a definite answer but assured him that I was thinking about it. However, I was planning to continue my work which I love and become a student again. That was my 5 year goal so far.
Sara, Thanks for your comment. I’ll be turning 65 in May, I still work. I have two sons that ask me about retirement. I don’t know how to answer or what I want in my future. I do want to retire as my job is physically & mentally draining. I wish I had a goal like you:)
All the best to you, Sara. Jen 🇦🇺
Fantastic that you’ll be a student again. I hope to one resume studies and learn something completely foreign to me. Good luck!!