Apologies: How to Make Them Work
During difficult times, I find it relaxing to watch Army Wives before I go to bed, and I’ve noticed that, in every episode someone says, “I’m sorry.”
This TV show being a soap opera (albeit a high-class one), the apology is always accepted graciously, often with the recipient taking some of the blame or saying, “No need to apologize; you didn’t do anything wrong.” Oh, if only differences were solved so readily in real life!
As I learned while writing Parents of Adult Children: You Are Not Alone, when things go sour between the generations, mothers and fathers may not even realize what, if anything, they did wrong.
They truly don’t know how they could have so offended their daughter or daughter-in-law that she won’t even talk to them anymore. What they do know is that they want to get the unpleasantness behind them and restore harmony to the family as quickly as possible. The question is, how to do it?
The experts say the key to reconciliation is apologizing, but only if it’s done the right way and in the spirit of forgiveness. Here’s what they recommend:
Be Sincere
You have to express genuine regret and be remorseful that you caused the other person to be unhappy. Only genuine emotion will restore your relationship, they say. The pros point out that true sincerity is a proven way to resolve disputes and dissipate negative emotions quickly and effectively.
Be Prompt
If a specific incident triggered the acrimony, try to set things right as quickly as possible. Too little, too late may doom your efforts from the start. The experts say that giving an apology as early as possible leads to less conflict later on and increases satisfaction on both sides of a dispute.
Let the Other Person Know That He or She Is Being Heard
Mediators say that often disputants care more about airing their grievances than winning. That’s why in your apology it’s a good idea to show that you take the other person’s issues seriously, even if privately you think they’re without merit.
Keep It Specific
If an apology is totally generic, chances are it won’t be effective. Allude to the points of contention between the two of you and offer to do your part in setting them right. Also, be concrete about the corrective actions you plan to take.
Focus on the Harm You Might Have Caused
Minimize the context, motivation, or justification for your actions while keeping the spotlight squarely on the act itself. “I’m sorry I said that; it was insensitive of me” is called for. “I’m sorry you were offended by…” is not. In fact, the latter example is a non-apology.
According to Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts: “You should own your behavior and apologize for it, period.” She warns against sounding defensive or overemphasizing your own pain or remorse, which minimizes the other person’s hurt.
Don’t Use the Word “But”
According to Dr. Lerner, “‘But’ automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.” This isn’t the time to pass judgment but to acknowledge how your actions might have offended the other person and that you’re sorry for them.
See Things from the Other Person’s Perspective
You may feel that you’re being accused of crimes you never committed or that your offspring and his/her spouse are blowing little annoyances into major offenses. This is maddening, but if you want to unfreeze the situation, the experts urge you to step into the other person’s shoes. Trying to understand where he/she is coming from will help you move the ball forward in a way nothing else could.
Never Mind Who Started It
To make your apology effective, you should refrain from assigning blame.
Even if you’re only slightly or not at all to blame and/or were justifiably provoked, you can still say simply, “I’m sorry for my part in this.”
Too often each side wants to convince the other of his/her righteous position, which is a losing proposition. Of course, serious hurt requires time and work to overcome, but a sincere “I’m sorry” is an excellent place to begin.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What recent situation with your adult children (or even friends) caused someone to feel offended? How did you resolve it? What did the apologies sound like? Was there sincerity that was clearly accounted for and felt by all involved parties? Please share your experiences with the community!
Tags Adult Children
I loved reading this!
Just for fun, I wanted to share a “teachable moment” story with you. When my son was in high school a young woman asked him to the prom. She was cute, very smart, and on the gymnastics team. He basically put her on hold for a few weeks until he heard back from a pretty, popular and rather buxom cheerleader, who eventually accepted his offer. The first girl then discovers why he declined her offer, taps him on the shoulder one day when he was at his locker and says, “So….you were just stringing me along, huh? I was not your plan B!” Thwack!! She slapped his face and walked off.
Despite his bruised ego and sore cheek, he got no sympathy from this Mom. In fact, I told him to apologize to her, and he did. She is now a successful attorney. I’ve often teased him about choosing the wrong gal. lol!
Interesting little footnote – there was a female teacher whom he knew well who was in the near vicinity when it happened. She walked by in the immediate aftermath, while he was standing there alone, rubbing his cheek and feeling quite embarrassed. She simply stopped for a moment, smiled and said something like, “don’t worry, you’ll work through it”. I thought that was classy. It showed confidence in him to fix things with the young woman. I love the sisterhood component there as well, since the teacher deferred to the girl’s judgement that a slap was fully warranted for this transgression, without the teacher knowing the details. We women have to stick together :)
What does one do when the other party refuses to accept your apology? My parents always taught we should never let the sun go down on an argument. I had a bad fall out with my daughter and once I’d calmed down I contacted her the very next day. She continued the disagreement and refused to let me apologise to her in person. This was 3 years ago and I haven’t seen her or my grandchildren since. I have made numerous attempts to heal the rift but am stonewalled at every turn. Finally last Christmas I was ordered to stop and cease all gifts/cards I was sending my grandchildren. I have now given up trying.
That’s so sad but in a way I have a similar situation, my son has mental health issues and we’ve not spoken or seen each other in a long time, in the beginning I would visit him and we’d have a coffee and, dare I say a, cigarette together, laughing and joking but then something changed and he would no longer see me or answer my calls……don’t give up hope, I haven’t, send the occassional card/letter……..I do feel your pain you know you’ve done all the right things
Dolly, this is sad and you seem to have done all you can. I can’t imagine you didn’t teach your daughter what you were taught (about arguments). Is there a relative, pastor-in-common or someone else who could help? My brother and his son were estranged and neither seemed to know to break the ice. Without telling my brother, I invited his son to
Grandma’s birthday party (my mom)—in a crowd full of people, they were able to interact whereas trying a one-on-one would have failed. Large groups become a buffer. Group conversation at a table. . . . that kind of thing. Good luck.