Are You 60 and Navigating Adult Child Estrangement and Mental Health Issues?
Estrangement is already an extremely delicate and challenging situation, and it becomes even more tricky to navigate with mental illness. The ups and downs of having an adult child with mental illness could create a nightmarish dynamic of confusion and sadness.
While it is essential to show your adult child compassion, it is also important to take care of yourself. Finding a support system and understanding your options when dealing with your adult child struggling with mental illness is crucial. This blog will provide information and resources to help navigate adult child estrangement and mental illness.
Facts About Mental Illness
Mental illness may become apparent at any stage of childhood or well into early adulthood. There is no one-size-fits-all regarding mental illness. Each individual should be treated with the same concern as if it were a physical ailment.
Mental illnesses range in severity as health conditions affecting an individual’s mood, behavior, thinking, and ability to regulate emotions. These conditions can create instability and sometimes the inability to function normally at any stage of life.
The jury is still out on mental illness’s exact causes and triggers. Mental illness can be inherited through generations or result from childhood trauma. Other factors include biological factors such as prenatal injury, toxin exposure, damage to the nervous system, or substance abuse.
Parenting and Mental Illness
Having a child with mental illness creates a unique opportunity for misunderstanding and possible mistakes made by the parent. Parents will sometimes fail, and the child with mental illness will be less likely to understand a relationship’s routine ups and downs.
These ongoing misunderstandings between the child and parent may increase the risk of estrangement. Raising a child that struggles with their mental health in any capacity strains the home dynamic, which causes stress, worry, fighting, etc. It’s not uncommon for the adult child to assess the parenting they received as inadequate or even the reason they struggle so profoundly.
While parenting cannot be solely to blame for an adult child’s distress, sometimes the parent struggles with mental illness and cannot provide the necessary care a child needs. Narcissism has become very popular recently when discussing estrangement and parenting.
When a parent displays narcissistic personality traits, they behave in ways that seek control and manipulation and may be unable to care for or understand others’ feelings, including their children’s. Having a parent with narcissistic tendencies can cause the child to disengage and lose the vital trust that should come with a parent/child relationship.
Children with narcissistic parents may suffer low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and codependency. These factors create the perfect conditions for later estrangement.
Likewise, when parents struggle with anxiety, depression, substance use, and other mental disorders, their behaviors can be perceived as unstable, unloving, and inadequate. Research reports that adult children who reflect on their parents asses the relationship based on their relational evaluation value.
A low evaluation indicates if adult children feel unprotected, unsupported, or misunderstood. They perceive their welfare was overlooked. Consequently, in cases where an adult child feels so disconnected from parental nurturing, estrangement may be a necessary option. Feeling unsafe in the presence of another family member is a precursor to estrangement.
Estrangement and Abuse
Abuse towards children, adolescents, adults, and parents is unacceptable and should never be excused. Abuse can have long-term effects on one’s sense of self and functioning. Individuals who have endured abuse are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, complex traumatic stress disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Individuals who choose to estrange do not do so lightly. When there is abuse, individuals estrange out of necessity and self-preservation.
Addiction and Estrangement
Relationships may become strained when an adult child struggles with addiction or substance use disorder. As with many mental illnesses, the person with the addiction may become irritable, unable to function, and a risk to themselves or others. The stigma surrounding mental illness and addiction may produce discomfort in relationships.
The person with the addiction knows everyone’s eyes are on them, waiting for them to mess up or behave in ugly ways. With addiction, individuals may isolate themselves due to their condition and then randomly appear for help or connection.
When a parent deals with an adult child with substance use disorder, they may not know how to handle the rocky road of uncertainties. Conversely, adult children with parental substance abuse can involve a web of porous boundaries and codependency.
What Can a Parent Do?
Estrangement and mental illness go hand in hand due to the instability they cause in relationships. A parent may be haunted by fear and worry about what their adult child is experiencing.
So what do you do? Understanding the intricacies of your adult child’s mental illness is critical. Remaining informed on the specifics can help you to know how hard it is for them. Create boundaries for yourself to implement when your adult child comes back around. It’s possible they will not reconnect, but if they do, you want to have a plan of action.
Giving support and having boundaries around what you will and will not accept from their behavior is essential. During this time of uncertainty, you’ll want to have steady self-care habits. Participating in self-care will instill in you that you are worthy of caring for yourself even though you might not be able to care for your adult child in the ways you wish to.
Estrangement and mental illness are rough topics to discuss and process. Individuals who are acquainted with a family member or their own experience with mental illness, disorders, or symptoms can agree it was not their choice. As we examine the complexity of estrangement, we consider how, if, and when it is best to cut off. When someone you care for deeply cuts ties, it can be heartbreaking. However, it may be all they can do to sustain a degree of mental clarity.
Undoubtedly the condition of estrangement is enormously painful, causing grief and uncertainty for all parties. For some, cutting off was the choice they did not regret because the relationship was unmanageable. Others struggle to accept and move forward as they cope with the decision of another to cut ties.
Conclusion
Mental illness is one contributor to estrangement that is extremely difficult to navigate. Each individual struggling with a mental illness deserves compassion without judgment; however, the foundations of relationships may waver. The unpredictability of how your adult child is faring without continuous communication can cause excess stress. It’s essential to stay informed, get support from a group or therapy, and prioritize self-care.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What self-care steps have you started that support you in your estrangement condition? Has mental illness impacted your estrangement condition?
Tags Estrangement
As a clinical psychologist and the mother of a 49 year old man who has bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder, I feel the above article throws around accusations of narcissistic parents very freely. The word is used to freely but when used to describe behaviour it has a clinical definition. My son lived in three different environments before we got adopted him at three. The first involved sustained neglect as the mother could not cope. Then a year in an orphanage then six months with a foster family before he came to us. At seventeen after an episode where he was hearing voices he was diagnosed with mental illness. He has never accepted this diagnosis and has never except for a six week period been on medication. He changed over months from a loving child to an angry young man. Except for short periods he has remained angry at everyone for thirty years. At the moment he will not speak to us he and while we know what state he in I don’t know where. If you haven’t experienced a child like this who turns the family inside out with their behaviour and anger at everyone including death threats don’t call parents narcissistic.
Hi Mary, Thank you for writing. I appreciate your perspective on the term narcissistic . Yes, the word has a clinical definition. We also know that personality traits, such as narcissistic traits, are used to describe different characteristics of personality. My articles aim to present a balanced approach of what adult children communicate as well as parents. I believe that in this environment of factions on this topic, it serves us better to empathasize and not criticize. But, this is just my opinion.
I agree that those of us who have family members with mental illness likely have more experience in what turmoil this brings. I think if we are unfamiliar, we might try to understand the dynamics of mental illness such as addictions, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder within a family. I am fortunate to know first hand what it feels like to have an adult child with a severe mental illness. My adult child has taught me more than any degree or stack of books. There is so much more I need to learn. Thank you for writing.
I have a mentally ill son who refused to take medicine. I tried to let him live with me for over 7 years until I had to lock my bedroom door as I became afraid when he had episodes. He is bi polar and schizophrenic and so is his father ( my reason for divorcing him). It hurst my heart that I can’t help him but he needs to take steps to help himself but refuses. I just pray for him since I can’t do more. I tried legal action but attorneys said he isn’t sick enough- with the mental health laws, he has to hurt someone or himself first to get care. Otherwise they only keep him for 48 hours then release him. It upsets me greatly but I have no control. I only know I have done the best I could. He has been this way for 20 years and destroy’s property such as Phones , PC’s – anything a normal person would own. He spends money on attorneys trying to copywrite or protect things he has written rather than buying food!
Hi Anonymoumous,
I am sorry you are going through this. I know parents who do what they can to help their adult child find another place to live. There are group homes and services. It is a lot of red tape, but it is something to consider. In the meantime, please keep yourself safe.There is also NAMI.
I have had mental problems sense I was a little girl my mom was the problem and I had as little brother and my sister that just had a mom that didnt care for us and my dad worked all the time but when I got old enough I just went to my grandmother and I had my dad but I never had any medical help until i another nervous breakdown when I was 36 yrs old
My son is 33. He works at a job that pays him just above minimum wage and has to pay child support for his 3 year old w. He lives 10 hours away from me and my husband. He has a room in a house with two roommates. He is depressed and anxious and has adhd . He has no health insurance. He’s been in therapy on and off. My husband and I assist him with cash flow needs paying his phone, car insurance and occasional other bills. He sends us long text
Messages about 10 times w month that go on and on about how
Despairing he is and mentions suicide frequently. He won’t go back to school or get a trade or go for vocational counseling. He just gets stuck in a suicidal rant again and again. It feels abusive now to me.
I can’t do my own job anymore. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do