My Adult Children Cut Me Out of Their Life
I have three wonderful moms in my immediate circle of friends who have been ghosted by their children. Dictionary.com defines ghosting as “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation.” The extreme pain this abandonment brings is their daily life challenge.
The Whys
Some moms have no idea what caused this breach, with no way to find out. If the mom does recognize the source and wants to apologize to the adult child, this is not an option.
Other moms can identify a heated conversation where opinions differed. This could have been about political, religious, or lifestyle choices.
Maybe unwelcome comments were made about the adult child’s parenting style or poor choices that set an unintentional estrangement in motion. Sometimes we make mistakes as parents, and as parents we admit it!
In this brief article, let’s NOT go back to the source of the abandonment issue. You’ve already done this, over and over times one million, to figure out where things went wrong. If you do find your answer, there’s no way to go back and change it, even if you could or would.
Remember, the answer may not be anything you’ve said or done. Seeking the whys will drive you crazy. It’s a form of mental abuse to put yourself through this every day. Instead, let’s talk about your self-care as a deserted parent.
How to Survive
Here are some suggestions from moms who have been there:
- Distance yourself from the adult child. Time will help.
- You have no control. Release the child and keep moving toward an enjoyable life without them.
- Cry and get on with it.
- Lean on your best friends to help you at those times that hurt more than others – birthdays, holidays, or special events for grandchildren.
- If you have an open communication channel at all with the adult child, just listen… and listen some more.
- In this tug of war, drop the rope.
- Write notes and cards to the adult child or grandchildren. If you think they are not receiving them, put the notes in a box for them to read at a later time in their life. One mom keeps sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her estranged daughter. She’s sure they are dumped without opening, yet she will never give up or stop. It eases her mind.
A Kind Word of Advice
Take Care of Yourself
This unsolvable problem can rob you of your health and mental well-being. You may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to learn ways of handling the ever-nagging and uncorrectable whys. Simply take care of yourself.
Look for Abandonment Support
Check into on-line support groups for abandoned parents or books written on the subject to let you know you are not alone.
Find Your Source of Joy and Courage
Where do you get courage? Is it from your tribe of friends? From your religious beliefs? From self-help groups or books? You can lighten this heavy load and experience everyday happiness even though you will never forget your child or stop loving them.
Take Control of Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself for the millionth and one time asking “Why…?” just stop. Stop yourself and say out loud, “Not today, I’m going to be kind to me today.” You have the choice to have everyday happiness in your life.
As you know, life is short. Enjoy the adult kids that are still in your life, or your friends, or your pets, or your garden. Find what lightens your mood even a little, and do more of it.
Not sure how to be more positive? We give you some great tips in How To Fight Negative Thoughts By Changing Your Mindset.
Forgive Yourself
Maybe you were the reason the adult child stopped communicating. In hindsight, you see it, but there’s no way to say sorry. So, forgive yourself.
None of us know how to parent. We just take a very good stab at it and do our best. Sometimes we have said or done things that can’t be corrected now. If you need help with forgiving yourself, professionals in your church or mental health professionals will help.
Figure Out How to Live in the Moment
When something good happens, sit in that and enjoy it to the fullest. You are worthy of this. Your past mistakes or your child’s rejection don’t make it not so! Next time you enjoy your morning coffee, or a piece of fine chocolate, or the sunshine streaming in your window, take note and let yourself be there for it!
This brings attention to the things that we love and helps us experience the good in each day.
Are you an abandoned mom? If so, I wish you courage daily! How have you learned to cope? What gets you through special days or events? Please join the conversation in how you have moved forward in your life.
Hello. I’m just a newly abandoned mum having been told by my 38 yr old daughter she cannot have me in her life with my volatile anger that I have displayed at times which in turn has given her PTSD. I acknowledge and accept what her reasons are but it hurts soo much.
Hi Judy, I’m so sorry you’re going through this nightmare but you are not alone. You’ll find several articles this is a new phenomenon rapidly growing. I’m coming up on a year since my daughters ripped my grandchildren from my life and refuse to speak to me at all. They’ve systematically alienated me from almost everyone telling them I’m mentally ill. I’ve fought back by seeing psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists but people don’t care, the mother is always wrong in societies eyes. My sin was telling them I couldn’t continue giving them every dime I made working. Both of my daughters have successful jobs too, one’s a therapist!
This is the most painful, gut wrenching thing you’ll ever endure. My only advice is wake up everyday swallow the pain and be good to yourself. I’m done apologizing for everything I did or didn’t do. I personally did my best to give them both a childhood with both parents supporting them and giving them every advantage to get to where they are today.
Give yourself a break, you did your best. Big hug.
Rhonda
I’m curious, are your outbursts due to ptsd or cptsd also?
I live with cptsd. I stuffed multiple childhood abuse and then adult relational narcissistic abuse by kids dad for years. Met him at 15 he was almost 20. I had no positive role models growing up in state care. No idea of how to set boundaries and no idea what boundaries were due to having none at any point in my life.
I stuffed anger even with my children until I would burst. I did not show anger for years, my tolerance for abuse and betrayal and breaking my boundaries was far too high. My therapist said she would never tolerate what I do.
I didn’t know how to express anger except in an outburst which scared people. I would yell and my hands would wave around. This may have happened once every 5 years or so or more frequently if I was provoked or threatened with physical violence or lied to betray or gaslighted which even my children participated in.
I’m not trying to make excuses for you or me. Our behavior though, I believe is a direct response to the behavior of others that we have not learned to deal/cope with.
Being around toxic people makes us toxic to be around. I have blamed myself for all my toxic relationships which is not healthy and adds to the pain I already deal with. I hope your daughter can see you as human and that perhaps therapy could be an option for you both to heal. I wish it was an option for me and my children.
I haven’t really moved forward in my life the way I would like too. It’s become easier, however, the pain of knowing the situation that hurt my child, will never be forgiven, no matter how hard I try. My daughter punished me over and over. If I give her money, she is my best friend! Recently, I stopped this behavior, and that just made the distance worse, as I decided to do something for myself which costs money, and my daughter has debts. So she wasn’t happy that me knowing she has debt, and I spent on myself. Even though I sent her. $200.00 gift. She is a professional, a RN nurse manager. She has a good income. We have her thousands of dollars to buy her home, money for school, the grandchildren. It is never enough. If I cross her at all, she disses me and turned her children against me. I can’t change the past. I went though a very serious abuse situation with her father. I finally got away. She was sexually abused, she feels I knew and did nothing. I did not know. The man followed me to another state, I felt I could not protect my children. They were acting out, school, etc. I fell apart and sent my daughter to stay with friends of her family. Her brother as well. I had a complete break. It was supposed to be temporary, it turned out not so. My life is good now. I worked very hard to improve it, so my children would have a safe place and something to be proud of. That gap in our lives created a permanent separation of which, I will never be forgiven. And I have tried. My daughter is 47. She has exaggerated what happened to make me look like I just have her away and never looked back. I told my story, I told her what happened, but she still hangs onto the untruths. So, I am now worn out. My husband is a good man, he too is worn out. I have tried, and I keep trying. But the mind games are all hurtful. What do I do?
Dear Ronda,
My heart feels the heaviness of what you are living through with your daughter. It’s especially painful how children use their children (our grandchildren) as weapons.
You have used your wisdom and courage to do what you could to make the situation better. You’ve reached out, you’ve apologized, you’ve tried to explain, you’ve given money…and yes, now you are worn out. I’ve found that releasing, in some circumstances, is the best way to cope. The weapons she has used to psychologically hurt you, need to lose some steam. That doesn’t mean that you ghost her, but it does mean that you allow more space, more distance, more lack of communication between you. Allow it in your heart and mind. Your body being worn out, and your husband being worn out, is your cue. I encourage you to step back now and bring your everyday attention to the life you have.
My now 18 year old daughter hasn’t spoken to me in two years and I’ve done a lot of work to be where I am today, including being accountable for being a mom who tried and failed. I’ve spent so much time on myself, putting on a smile and every time someone asks me about her, it’s as if I’ve done no work and it unravels..I don’t find talk therapy helpful so I just find the courage to keep going. siiggggghhhhhhhh……..knowing others going through this isn’t helpful, what would be helpful is reconciliation! :-(
Hello,
If knowing others are going through this isn’t helpful, and talk therapy isn’t helpful, where do you find the courage to keep going? If reconciliation is the only helpful thing, how do you get through your days? If reconciliation doesn’t ever come, do you live the rest of your everyday life in misery? I’m asking this with pure intention to learn from you and for your answer to help others learn from you. Thanks, Linda
My daughter (19) moved far away from us, she is what these day Neurodiverse kid. Alway secretive, anger, not very social. Anyway, she goes on times that she ghosts us, and them come…. I try to give space, but this week she text and said she had a pain on her shoulder, I sent her info for Dr.s, etc from our insurance, she said she was going to see or call one. Well, it is been 3 days since and not comunication with had happened. I text her and not reply 😒. How long do I wait until I need to worry.?
Hi Raquel,
What helps you as you wait? It sounds like you have a diagnosis of your daughter, and her symptoms are to be secretive, not social and angry. Knowing this actually can help you as you know she is acting perfectly normal for her. This is her normal response even when she is hurting. If you have text her, given her information, and no reply, the only answer is to wait. Until you hear back, what can you do to make it through your days? What works for you to get your mind off worry and on today and what it holds for you?
Hi Linda,
I have taken a huge step. Not sure if in the right or wrong direction, but either way, I have not been able to have a relationship with my grandchildren. One of whom I raised after fighting to get him out of foster care.
I, through email confronted 2 of my children and let them know some of what I do know about things they did to collude against me.
One of them is a compulsive liar and has been since age 2. I thought she’d grow out of it. I know we all lie at times. Most of us learn from our lying and don’t need to be told by others or reminded once we get to a certain age or, cause a deep injury to another.
But her lies are ongoing. I told her this. And said, the hardest thing a mother can do is to break contact with a child. I told her that her lies as hurtful as they have been, have not compared to the hurt of being separated from my grandchildren and great grandchildren.
I ended with Goodbye.
I bawled my eyes out writing it. But in not writing it, I was holding on to hope that would never manifest or be realized.
I miss my grandchildren and the pain of never seeing them again goes beyond deep, beyond soul.
This was her narcissistic way of having control and trying to show who is boss.
I feel for my grandchildren as the future of enabling her will only make her worse. So far I’m the only target. When I’m dead she’ll go after her sisters again and then the grandchildren.
I hope I have done the right thing. She has not come back with a reply which says she’s planning something quite devious. Because a narcissist needs the last word or action in every situation. If she does reach out, I won’t respond. Because it only ends up hurting me in the end.
I’m praying that the Lord will help me relocate to where she cannot find me. If anyone on this site believes in god, do pray for me.
Hi Linda, I came across a doctor on youtube who deals with parent abandonment by adult children. He seems to know his stuff and he went through it. He discusses the ways we must sacrifice to have them back in our lives. These things don’t always work and he walks through some tough stuff. He also walks through parents who have given up. After many years, some parents do give up. The love and concern don’t end, but the pain and drama ends. That’s where I was and am at with my last post. I actually had tried most of the things he discussed to no avail. My daughter is asking too much of me to try and force me into an apology for something I didn’t do. He does go through how we/they have different memories of events. I’ll try to find his name and post it here.
Just to let everyone know that the process isn’t an easy one. Backing off and giving space (sometimes for years) is part of it.
And he advocates for all parents. Even those who just feel they have no choice but to end it. It’s sad, but is one of the realities.
Marium,
Please let us know the youtube video that you mentioned.
I especially like the comment that we have different memories of events of the past. I have found that with my children. Many things they bring up and ask if I remember, I simply don’t or I have a whole different spin on them.
Take good care Marium.
Linda
Hi Linda, I tried to respond to you but was unable to use the reply button.
The name of the man on YouTube is Joshua Coleman.
I made my decision not lightly. I’m hurting badly but even with all the wisdom I have gathered from various people and places, I just feel I can’t go on being attacked if, when I do hear from her. My decision has nothing to do with whether I love her. I love her very much. There are some people in the world who just cannot accept that we do love them, regardless of what we say or do to show our love. Regardless of whether we apologize or how much we apologize. I feel like I’m on eggshells and going in circles. My assessment is that it’s a game of manipulation for power and control. That’s a game I don’t wish to be part of. I feel so horrible after contact with her. Using the children as a weapon is not something I would have even considered after the breakup with the father. I thank you for your kind words. I did have brief contact with another daughter today. I’m trying to keep things light and not call or text too often. Hope you and the other mum’s here get some benefit from listening to Joshua Coleman. I’ll be interested in seeing any comments.
You have our thoughts and prayers Marium. I hope for inner peace in your decision, and for the strength and courage to allow this distance for healing. Linda