My Adult Children Cut Me Out of Their Life
I have three wonderful moms in my immediate circle of friends who have been ghosted by their children. Dictionary.com defines ghosting as “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation.” The extreme pain this abandonment brings is their daily life challenge.
The Whys
Some moms have no idea what caused this breach, with no way to find out. If the mom does recognize the source and wants to apologize to the adult child, this is not an option.
Other moms can identify a heated conversation where opinions differed. This could have been about political, religious, or lifestyle choices.
Maybe unwelcome comments were made about the adult child’s parenting style or poor choices that set an unintentional estrangement in motion. Sometimes we make mistakes as parents, and as parents we admit it!
In this brief article, let’s NOT go back to the source of the abandonment issue. You’ve already done this, over and over times one million, to figure out where things went wrong. If you do find your answer, there’s no way to go back and change it, even if you could or would.
Remember, the answer may not be anything you’ve said or done. Seeking the whys will drive you crazy. It’s a form of mental abuse to put yourself through this every day. Instead, let’s talk about your self-care as a deserted parent.
Read Mental Health Impact of Estrangement.
How to Survive
Here are some suggestions from moms who have been there:
- Distance yourself from the adult child. Time will help.
- You have no control. Release the child and keep moving toward an enjoyable life without them.
- Cry and get on with it.
- Lean on your best friends to help you at those times that hurt more than others – birthdays, holidays, or special events for grandchildren.
- If you have an open communication channel at all with the adult child, just listen… and listen some more.
- In this tug of war, drop the rope.
- Write notes and cards to the adult child or grandchildren. If you think they are not receiving them, put the notes in a box for them to read at a later time in their life. One mom keeps sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her estranged daughter. She’s sure they are dumped without opening, yet she will never give up or stop. It eases her mind.
Read Estrangement: The Secret So Many Hide.
A Kind Word of Advice
Take Care of Yourself
This unsolvable problem can rob you of your health and mental well-being. You may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to learn ways of handling the ever-nagging and uncorrectable whys. Simply take care of yourself.
Read Does Estrangement Impact Mental Health Differently in Men and Women?
Look for Abandonment Support
Check into on-line support groups for abandoned parents or books written on the subject to let you know you are not alone.
Read 4 Self-Healing Strategies to Manage Adult Child Estrangement.
Find Your Source of Joy and Courage
Where do you get courage? Is it from your tribe of friends? From your religious beliefs? From self-help groups or books? You can lighten this heavy load and experience everyday happiness even though you will never forget your child or stop loving them.
Read How to Move Past the Wounds of Estrangement and Find Relief.
Take Control of Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself for the millionth and one time asking “Why…?” just stop. Stop yourself and say out loud, “Not today, I’m going to be kind to me today.” You have the choice to have everyday happiness in your life.
As you know, life is short. Enjoy the adult kids that are still in your life, or your friends, or your pets, or your garden. Find what lightens your mood even a little, and do more of it.
Not sure how to be more positive? We give you some great tips in How To Fight Negative Thoughts By Changing Your Mindset.
Forgive Yourself
Maybe you were the reason the adult child stopped communicating. In hindsight, you see it, but there’s no way to say sorry. So, forgive yourself.
None of us know how to parent. We just take a very good stab at it and do our best. Sometimes we have said or done things that can’t be corrected now. If you need help with forgiving yourself, professionals in your church or mental health professionals will help.
Read Exploring the Possibilities of Reconciliation After Estrangement.
Figure Out How to Live in the Moment
When something good happens, sit in that and enjoy it to the fullest. You are worthy of this. Your past mistakes or your child’s rejection don’t make it not so! Next time you enjoy your morning coffee, or a piece of fine chocolate, or the sunshine streaming in your window, take note and let yourself be there for it!
This brings attention to the things that we love and helps us experience the good in each day.
Dealing with the Outside World
After reading through the comments section, the team at Sixty & Me recognized just how many parents are navigating the challenges of estrangement.
One question that came up often and that Linda, the author, addressed was the question of dealing with people asking about your relationship with your children.
Linda has given this topic a great deal of thought and sought input from a friend who is dealing with an estranged relationship with her daughter. She offers the following suggestions for handling such situations:
To avoid directly discussing an estranged relationship, she recommends sharing a broad overview of the situation without bringing up the estrangement itself. For instance, one might say, “They live in Boston, recently bought a house, and got a dog. Training a dog can be stressful! How is Mark (their child) doing?” This approach keeps the conversation light and redirects attention without delving into sensitive topics. Since most people enjoy talking about their children’s accomplishments, focusing on their stories can often help steer the discussion in a positive direction.
Linda also emphasizes the importance of controlling how much information is shared. Preparing responses in advance can provide clarity and confidence when faced with unexpected questions. For example, one might respond, “Thanks for asking. We’re going through a tough time right now, as all families do. I’m not ready to share more, but tell me about Mark.”
She shares insights from a friend who takes a different perspective. Her friend feels that discussing her estrangement openly has been a key part of her healing process. Over time, she has learned that her responses can vary depending on where she is in her journey – sometimes she chooses to share, and other times she does not. For her, being transparent has helped bring closure and peace.
Ultimately, Linda encourages those experiencing emotional pain – whether as mothers, wives, or women – to seek support from a professional counselor or coach. Speaking with someone trained to handle these emotions provides a safe and constructive outlet for healing. While friends can be supportive, they may not be equipped to guide someone through such deeply personal challenges. Even if this advice may seem like a standard suggestion, Linda, as a coach, knows firsthand how transformative it can be in alleviating the pain life can bring.
If you are dealing with estrangement and feeling alone, Linda also suggests joining support groups like these:
https://www.rejectedparents.net/
https://www.meetup.com/topics/estrangement
https://www.estrangements.com/groups-and-blogs.html
Also, read Estrangement – How Journaling Can Transform Your Heartache into Acceptance.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you an abandoned mom? If so, I wish you courage daily! How have you learned to cope? What gets you through special days or events? Please join the conversation in how you have moved forward in your life.
I haven’t figured that out yet… still searching.
I don’t know how to.
Yes, it started a decade ago with my oldest, then my third off and on. The third has mental health and substance use disorders, then when I was very sick my 2nd child ramped up her anger and abuse towards me. Those three have removed me from social media.
that leaves my youngest, who is in. A controlling relationship and lives a 2 day drive away
My husband died on March 21, 2015. My oldest son was mad at me because I didn’t stop his Dad from drinking nor gave him the things he wanted, but I assured him I would give them to him when I died. He completely cut me out of his and my grandchildren’s lives. Cards and gifts were returned to the sender.
My middle son died on February 13, 2020.
I had a catastrophic auto accident on November 16, 2021. My daughter was at the trauma center when I was life-flighted in. After that, I had to beg her to come to see me. As of now, I haven’t seen her or my grandchildren for 11 months.
Why at the lowest points in my life have my children abandoned me???
I now have put my needs and desires before anything else. I still cry every now and then, not for me but for them and what they are doing to their children.
I have been cut out of both my kids lives for almost 2 years now. There is not a day I don’t cry , o try to occupy my mind by making wreaths , flower arrangements. I’ve painted all by cabinets in my kitchen and both bathrooms. I’ve completely redecorated both bathrooms and I’m not sure what my next project will be but I need to figure it out before the holidays have taken a tolll in my mind , my health, my marriage and my job. I have severe depressive disorder and have gotten professional help. And have learn ways to control it . Nothing is never enough though. My kids have destroyed me completely and I just don’t know his not to be a mom. I had my son at 17 and my daughter at nineteen my husband and I have been married 34 years now! I’m completely heartbroken and can’t seem to live a normal lifestyle anymore.
You know that staying busy and having projects is helpful. You sound quite resourceful! The pain of estrangement doesn’t go away, but I hope you will find ways to ease that pain. Instead of being completely heartbroken, perhaps heartbroken yet maintaining and being OK in health, marriage, and your job, moving up a notch or two from completely heartbroken. Your lifestyle may not be “normal” in the way it was with the kids active in your life…but you are working at and I believe you will find a new normal.
Many of us have only ever known motherhood and grandma hood. For me it’s so unreal that something like this could happen. I’m so sorry for you. Your story reminds me of my own. I had my children young also. Never known much beyond being with them😢 My heart breaks for you and for so many other women experiencing this, “thing”! Did this happen when we were young to parents among our parents generation? or is this some new phenomena? It’s heart wrenching.
I can relate. I wish people would stop saying. Now live YOUR life. They WERE my life. I built my life around them. I don’t regret that. But since they all got partners, my 3 have gradually cut me off. I brought them.up alone, yet they have made a relationship with their dead beat dad and go to stay with him. He never saw them for over 30 years..never bothered. Now he’s the flavour of the month..I’m abandoned. After a decade of crying and trying trying, hoping and begging, I’ve finally accepted how things are. But I don’t enjoy a single day of my life without them.in it. I’ thought I would have grandkids round me now, but the partners parents get all that..life has no purpose. I don’t want to garden. I’ve travelled enough. I just want a normal family life. I dread the holidays. I’ll be glad when I’m gone.
I hear you and know you are carrying a boatload of pain right now. “I’ll be glad when I’m gone” tells me that you’re overwhelmed and stuck. Those feelings are real and valid.
You were there when your ex wasn’t. You gave it all you had, and as you said, you have no regrets for that.
That was then. What about now?
Even when it feels like everything is out of control, life gives us the opportunity to make choices. You do have the choice to stay in suffering and misery. Thinking and mulling over the pain and misery keeps you trapped in pain and misery.
However small shifts in your thinking can add up to significant change. What if you took a tiny step toward bringing some light into your life? You don’t have to face this alone. There are professionals who want to help you. Support groups of others moms who have experienced this have been formed to help you. Changing some of your thinking to being open for a new purpose in life can help you.
By taking small steps toward a new way of thinking and living could uncover new hope and meaning in your life. You have value and are worthy of support and brighter days.
Thank you. But in the UK there are no groups to help, no professionals. It all costs money to get counselling, and sorry to say that unless you have a fortune to spend, most on the health service are just graduates from university who have no life experience or ever suffered in their lives. How could they possibly know how to help. I’ve tried this and found they are just too experienced. I wish we had groups in.the uk for support. I tried to set one up myself, but people are to ashamed to admit this problem and won’t commit.
In experienced I.meant. they have no experience
Why don’t you start with simple grief counseling? There are lots of people experienced with grief who offer grief counseling. Start there. You are suffering loss.
Ultimately you may delve deeply enough to find the unhealed trauma and emotional neglect you likely experienced in your earlier life. Despite your best efforts, trauma unprocessed gets passed down from parent to child. Your adult kids are likely victims of that trauma too and want distance so you don’t burden them with responsibility for your happiness. Not your fault, but you are responsible now to deal with your own emotions. 💗 kids grow up, the nest empties. There is no such thing as a perfect family. Be proud that your kids are doing what they think is right for them.
I have never passed on any childhood trauma to my children. They’re not victims of my past at all, or do i expect them to deal with my emotions. We had very loving relationships until they got into adulthood and got partners, if you read my posts, it explains. My own parents had problems in their marriage but I didn’t cut them out of my life. This is too common now. Its easier to just cut us off than discuss anything that bothers them. I honestly could not have been a better parent, and there are many more here the same who are bewildered by this abandonment. I definitely do not burden them with any responsibility for my happiness or anything else. If I did I would own it. How can anyone be proud that their kids are ignoring them. It’s their partners deciding what is right for them. That is nothing to be proud of.
I would also like to add that grief counselling would not help. I know this because I am a counsellor.