My Adult Children Cut Me Out of Their Life
I have three wonderful moms in my immediate circle of friends who have been ghosted by their children. Dictionary.com defines ghosting as “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation.” The extreme pain this abandonment brings is their daily life challenge.
The Whys
Some moms have no idea what caused this breach, with no way to find out. If the mom does recognize the source and wants to apologize to the adult child, this is not an option.
Other moms can identify a heated conversation where opinions differed. This could have been about political, religious, or lifestyle choices.
Maybe unwelcome comments were made about the adult child’s parenting style or poor choices that set an unintentional estrangement in motion. Sometimes we make mistakes as parents, and as parents we admit it!
In this brief article, let’s NOT go back to the source of the abandonment issue. You’ve already done this, over and over times one million, to figure out where things went wrong. If you do find your answer, there’s no way to go back and change it, even if you could or would.
Remember, the answer may not be anything you’ve said or done. Seeking the whys will drive you crazy. It’s a form of mental abuse to put yourself through this every day. Instead, let’s talk about your self-care as a deserted parent.
How to Survive
Here are some suggestions from moms who have been there:
- Distance yourself from the adult child. Time will help.
- You have no control. Release the child and keep moving toward an enjoyable life without them.
- Cry and get on with it.
- Lean on your best friends to help you at those times that hurt more than others – birthdays, holidays, or special events for grandchildren.
- If you have an open communication channel at all with the adult child, just listen… and listen some more.
- In this tug of war, drop the rope.
- Write notes and cards to the adult child or grandchildren. If you think they are not receiving them, put the notes in a box for them to read at a later time in their life. One mom keeps sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her estranged daughter. She’s sure they are dumped without opening, yet she will never give up or stop. It eases her mind.
A Kind Word of Advice
Take Care of Yourself
This unsolvable problem can rob you of your health and mental well-being. You may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to learn ways of handling the ever-nagging and uncorrectable whys. Simply take care of yourself.
Look for Abandonment Support
Check into on-line support groups for abandoned parents or books written on the subject to let you know you are not alone.
Find Your Source of Joy and Courage
Where do you get courage? Is it from your tribe of friends? From your religious beliefs? From self-help groups or books? You can lighten this heavy load and experience everyday happiness even though you will never forget your child or stop loving them.
Take Control of Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself for the millionth and one time asking “Why…?” just stop. Stop yourself and say out loud, “Not today, I’m going to be kind to me today.” You have the choice to have everyday happiness in your life.
As you know, life is short. Enjoy the adult kids that are still in your life, or your friends, or your pets, or your garden. Find what lightens your mood even a little, and do more of it.
Not sure how to be more positive? We give you some great tips in How To Fight Negative Thoughts By Changing Your Mindset.
Forgive Yourself
Maybe you were the reason the adult child stopped communicating. In hindsight, you see it, but there’s no way to say sorry. So, forgive yourself.
None of us know how to parent. We just take a very good stab at it and do our best. Sometimes we have said or done things that can’t be corrected now. If you need help with forgiving yourself, professionals in your church or mental health professionals will help.
Figure Out How to Live in the Moment
When something good happens, sit in that and enjoy it to the fullest. You are worthy of this. Your past mistakes or your child’s rejection don’t make it not so! Next time you enjoy your morning coffee, or a piece of fine chocolate, or the sunshine streaming in your window, take note and let yourself be there for it!
This brings attention to the things that we love and helps us experience the good in each day.
Are you an abandoned mom? If so, I wish you courage daily! How have you learned to cope? What gets you through special days or events? Please join the conversation in how you have moved forward in your life.
I posted earlier. Not sure if it was removed for review or something else.
I do have a question: How to deal with people who ask why I’m estranged from my children. Most people are not familiar with this sort of thing and they immediately think you’ve done something wrong.
Is there a way to just avoid the conversation altogether?
I have the same question?
Hi Deb,
I hope you find the response to Marium’s question helpful! Wishing you the best. Linda
Hello Marium,
I have given this much thought and consulted with my friend who is in an estranged position with her daughter. Here are some suggestions for you to consider.
Thanks for bringing this question up for all of us. I will submit an article on this very topic, so stay tuned for it to come through Sixty and Me. Take good care of you Marium!
Thanks for allowing it to post. I raised my children (all girls) with minimal help from dad’s. Both men were MIA a lot and the children saw my first ex beat me and verbally abuse me.
By no means was I a perfect mum…(I was striving for it though). Growing up in state care with no role models, subject to multiple abuse (including sexual).
I did the best I could with what I had available. I gave apologies for where I felt I had gone wrong. Well, that seemed to be a green light that sent them on a roll of stalking, harassment and a massive smear campaign against me. Some true most embelished and some outright lies. I’m followed everywhere I go. My eldest daughter was charged for failing to provide the neccessities of life after not seeking medical attention for her son, my grandson after her boyfriend (not babies dad) beat him almost to death at age 3. I took him out of foster care. They said she wasn’t getting him back. So I made a plan of care and was given custody. Her inlaws and her boyfriends family who beat him, turned on me, not her? I have been stalked harassed and smeared ever since. They even paid people to try to set me up. Drug me, and some unspeakables that make me look like a vilian. I had no idea what was happening until it was too late. No way to defend myself, no way to make new friends. The plan to isolate me and have me react worked. I had never before heard of narcissistic abuse until a few years ago. A few years too late! I spoke with two therapists who told me, my family was colluding against me. I didn’t believe them. I literally told one to f-off that she was crazy. She wasn’t. I was ignorant! You’d think as a person who grew up surrounded by abuse I would know. I did kindof. Couldn’t believe anyone’s fa.ily would do such a thing. I’ve done some terrible things in my life for various reasons but I also learned and grew from those things. This may be too much info. But just in case any of you is experiencing similar. You’re not alone. None of us was perfect people, parents, wives, friends etc. We are first and foremost human. I’m sorry for all who are left without family after all the years you put in to loving caring for and protecting your children. No judgements on my part. I know the pendulum swings both ways. Thanks for reading and for sharing and suggestions.😢Today is difficult.
Please forgive yourself …. as you yourself said “I did the best I could with what I had available. I gave apologies for where I felt I had gone wrong.” …. you could NOT POSSIBLE DO THE BEST YOU COULD and be a failure. The failure to become compassionate, conscientious, loving individuals in on the children if they do not recognize the sacrifices and unconditional love you gave them, even if that didn’t meet “everyone’s” “standards” …. You did the best that you could, with what was available to you. You should be proud of that and have pity (enough to let them wallow in their pity party) for those that are envious of your achievements.
Thank you for this. I recently was able to spend few moments with youngest child and her son. I missed them terribly and the few moments seemed a few too short. But I’m so grateful for them. There was only one topic from the past raised and it was a humorous memory. We chuckled. I was invited to stay the night but circumstances would not allow for it. I wanted so badly to stay. We cried while holding each other in the street, saying our goodbyes. I don’t know when we’ll see each other again as were both hunting for places to live? Life is precious and far too short. I try not to text too much. I don’t want to push her away. She’s been through a tough life (sibling abuse and addiction) she’s come so far.
I’m so proud of her achievements and pray we’ll see each other again soon.
Thank you. I have used your suggestions recently. I explained that although my daughters and I are distant, my grandchild are doing well. Ended it there.
It’s been 11 long years and I finally snapped just recently. Foyr incredibly magickal humans I birthed … naturally. They tore up my body . I near died from the first delivery then had dvt (leg blood clots) for the remaining days I have here. I WAS in a good place again in my 30 yr old daughter’s life until I was nearly killed in a car accident eight weeks ago today. She sent me a not very nice message on boxing day. The accident was November 28th, 2022. She’s a Psychiatric Nurse at the jail. Starting wage there? 43. Fuck. My Girl is double degreed with minimal debt as a result of two back to back full ride USA college volleyball scholarships. But apparently IM AN ASSHOLE for not wishing her merry Christmas. I tried to end the Neverending grief last Monday by swallowing a T3 an hour with yogurt and a bit of booze. Woke up on the bathroom floor. Layed there for hours waiting for someone to message, look for or check on me. When no message came, I was starting to feel like I cud stand . Fuck. I’m still here and getting more not nice comments from said daughter. And now she’s raging on my FB account. When does it end!!!
Dear Michaelene,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. The best move for you would be to contact some resources that are willing and ready to immediately help you.
1. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline-Dial this number on your cell phone. You will be connected to someone who has resources for help in your area.
2.This article tells you exactly what happens when you contact people for help. Please click on it and read today: https://www.activeminds.org/blog/what-really-happens-when-you-reach-out-to-crisis-lines/#:~:text=So%2C%20what%20does%20happen%20when,connect%20you%20to%20help%20locally.
3.National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. You can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or chat.
4.Crisis Text Line
Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.
Please reach out for help. You will encounter loving trained counselors that will give you advice and action steps to move forward for your life.
Linda
Like my sister would say “shit can them”!
I can totally relate with what your saying. One of my daughters came to my house during motgers day with my grandchildren. I had cleaned out my refridgerator two days b4 she arrived. Tge next day sge told me sge was gonna clean my fridge. I said, no, I already did that b4 you came. Not once, not twice but 6 times. My brother said the same. My daughter proceeded to throw things away, dinner from the night before. It escalated, she left and now refuses to let me see my grandchildren. WHT? She knows it’s the one thing that would hurt me the most! Why woukd my child want to hurt me? People say, there has to be more to that? There isnt. That’s alm tgat happened iver two things of Celery. She said I didn’t need two things of Celery! Thats it!
Shes got mental problems. Dont take this on!
So much happened and I’m not sure what happened. If you can make sense of that?
The most difficult thing for me after being estranged for so long (years) I still cry.
That said, I’m wondering how other mum’s deal with telling people they’re estranged from their children? I find people turn away from me.
I have no supports because most of my friends are either living far from me or have died.
The strangers who have perfect families distance themselves like I have the plague once I tell them my children and I have no relationships.
How can I avoid the subject and make new friendships?
Make new friends, why would anyone want the judgmental & wrongfully assuming in your life.
Both my daughters moved far away. One occasionally contacts me. She is successful & looks down on me-even though I have a payed for home. The other married into a wealthy family – I am considered trash to her. She has a past she is fearful -that I may tell it, of course I would not.
Hi I’m going through the worst pain I have four daughters brought them up alone went thru so much childhood trauma and was the most protective mother and they live in the same area I always feel ashamed that I have to say they don’t call in etc only my one daughter dies it’s like I’m grieving for children that are alive but I do believe they say bad things about me so they can make me look bad so it makes them feel they have no concience and are selfish also ther partners have been controlling in some ways I see my grandkids once a week but for how long and Xmas feels bleak I miss them they were my life and I’ve got to find a life it’s very difficult wher to start millions go thru this and it hurts when other families all have a lovely time bond etc x
Christmas and other holidays always make it worse when there are families everywhere enjoying being together. Only close friends know how abandoned I am, I don’t tell new people I meet, no one understands unless it happened to them. I don’t understand it myself and I agree that our adult kids convince themselves we did something to offend them, so they can justify what they do. After so many years of this, I’m going to stand back now and try to make a life for myself, which is difficult when I’ve made my children my life. I thought this could only happen to bad parents, now I know it can happen to anyone. I have good friends I the same situation. I think it’s just today’s selfish generation.
Yes! Making a life for yourself is so important. It was hard finding someone who would stick around after learning that my children wanted nothing to do with me, but I found someone who readily admitted his own mistakes in life and was willing to take a chance with me. Although he may be part of the reason my children have chosen to remain apart, I gave them my all when they were growing up and am allowing myself to move on with my life.
I raised my 4 kids as a single mom after a divorce. Ages now 25-31. My closest relationship was with my youngest son. My mother just died in June. I was out of state w her fir 6 months. Now since her death. My youngest wants me out of his life.. It is killing me. Our last interaction was right after mom’s funeral until today w ugly names and threats if I try to contact or come to his home !! My other children and I are speaking but we had no disagreement??
I’m so sorry you are going through this with your youngest son. It’s a mystery why some children suddenly break ties with their mom, a mystery that causes intense heartache!
You have just spent 6 months of your life caring for your mom, who recently passed. This in itself is heartache. Now not only is your son backing away from you, but has actually called you names and made threats. I encourage you strongly to seek out professional help to get through these events. When it’s so overwhelming, getting help is lifesaving. To do this, contact your insurance carrier to help find someone in your area that accepts insurance.You will be able to specify male/female/and a few other things to get a good fit with the therapist. Then go. Try this. It could be just what you need right now.
Kindly,
Linda
I am a divorced mom of 3 adult daughters. I left my ex over domestic violence. I was a single parent for many years and was married to a demanding job.
I did everything in my power to make sure they were provided for, but wasn’t there when they needed me the most.
My youngest ran away at 15 and went to live with her boyfriend at the time against my wishes. Then came my first granddaughter
She has never apologized for anything, it’s always been my fault when she’s angry and verbally abusive. She married a dr and now has started being verbally abusive to me yet again.
I don’t have great relationships with my other 2 daughters, I am currently estranged with one and the other has no time for me.
I am currently in the process of having to divorce them emotionally without them knowing so I can still see my grandkids.
I have tried repeatedly to reconcile with each of them but they resent me and harbor unresolved issues, so that is unlikely
It’s been about 20 years or more if hell, and if I’m going to survive I have to distance myself until they are mature enough to have a conversation if ever.
A person can only take so much
I chose self preservation and peace of mind
Dear Ann,
What you described is almost too much to bear. I agree with you, that in order to keep on going, you need to distance yourself emotionally from your children. Are you able to do this? Then, pursue whatever avenues you can keep your grandchildren in your life.
I do believe that one day, our adult children will understand the choices we made when they were little. They may never agree with them, but will understand that we did the best we could with what we had.
My hope for you is that your heart will heal to the point that you can find happiness and fulfillment in the rest of your life. This may need to be accomplished with the help of a counselor, coach, or therapist. Sometimes we must reach out to get the help needed, then we can move forward stronger. Distancing yourself is a process over time.
Thank you for sharing Ann. Blessings to you.
Linda
I brought my 3 children up alone after their father left when they were babies. I was there for every single minute of their lives i worked while they were at school. Never left them with sitters, never went out in the evening or had any boyfriend’s. I lived for them and they were my everything. As soon as they got into the teenage years they began to change and started to challenge me on everything they could muster up. This has been going on for over 15 years and they have literally turned into their father. Genes play a big part no matter how well you bring them up with good values. They are now making a relationship with their father, and treat me like I don’t exist. No calls. No kindness. Cruel words. Selective memories. I am living with a broken heart and have tried everything to make things right. They have no time for me now I’m in my 60s. Big daddy has a big house and money. I’ll never get over this, or understand it. They won’t listen to anything I say. They slam the phone down on me. I’m bewildered by this and can only think it’s in their genes. So although I as there for every part of their lives, they have no care for mine. I don’t know how to get through it and carry on. Life had no purpose now. Daddy is even seeing the grandkids. Its like a living nightmare
All I can say is this; mine have done the same. Our stories are mirror images of each other’s. They don’t have mommy issues, they have daddy issues. But mommy takes the brunt.
It’s easy to abuse those who love you, because it feels safe. Mommy is safe, daddy is unknown. The hard work is over and they’ll never see daddy for his true self. He may have changed by now. But they also will have a different relationship with him than what they had with you. Even if you had stayed together. The relationships are individual. My 2 cents…let the experts handle it. They know so much more.
My ex was diagnosed by 2 government psychiatrist w/being a genius & Narcissist -he left us alone.a lot Both of my girls r in their 20s -they both. Have not seen their. Absentee dad since they where 4 & 5 yrs of age. Yet. They both. R. Extremely Self serving, just like their dad. I agree. It is in the genetics. I had also. Given my life to them/ quit my career/stayed w/them & now. I’m not. At all of importance. One contacts me occasionally. A counselor stated -that single moms often -end up being an easy target for the neglect of the father -there R. Articles online on this subject- Please seek counseling- I would not b here without the guidance Hopefully with time. They will understand through their own life experiences. That you are a great person & mom. Learning what makes you happy. Is. Of great importance. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Another year has passed and nothing has changed. I dread christmas. I have given up texting. Phoning, begging and trying, after offering to listen to whatever their problems are with me. No response. Its because they know there is nothing I’ve done to deserve this. They don’t want to admit the truth, that it’s just the way they are. They all spend the holidays with their partners families, knowing I’m spending Christmas sitting on my own. These are children i doted on their whole lives. I will never ever understand it, but have realised its in their genes and there’s nothing can change that. I’m beyond heartbroken and be glad when I’m gone. Life has no.purpose anymore.
I’m sorry but please know you’re not alone. My holidays are the same as yours. Starting the angry phase of grief. Also will be glad when I’m gone and the pain is over. This holiday season I’ve decorated and planned meals for just me and my husband. Hating ever minute because both of my daughters have pointed their hatred towards me and refuse to speak to their father because he stood up for me. So it’s the added guilt if I wasn’t here, his life may be better. They’ve alienated me from everyone they can.
Just know you’re not experiencing this abuse alone.
Try and have happy holidays without them.
The pain is no less I know, but at least you’ve got you’re husband to help you through. The worst is being alone with it. I never re married or met anyone else, I focused on my children, and the reward for that is abandonment. I was told many years ago that children turn on the parent that raised them, mostly mothers. I’m bewildered by this as I could not have loved or done more for them. I feel for every parent going through it, but you can at least have Christmas with your husband. Being alone with all this is torture.
Although I had a brief moment to spend with my youngest and her son back in September, I will as I have for 2 decades be spending the holiday alone as many of you are.
This is so sad and my heart breaks for each one of us who 1. poured our souls into raising our children. 2. Didn’t expect anything in return except that even if things weren’t perfect, the love was there and we would do our best to forgive the past maintain open minds knowing that neither parents nor children are perfect.
I have spoken to other parents recently and there is apparently a theme of parent bashing across the west and the term Narcissistic Mother is frequently used.
Unfortunately when I listen to the kids, I cant help but feel in my heart that, we gave them too much, spoiled them didn’t say no enough.
We aren’t perfect and I feel for every parent going through this.
I wish you all deep healing and love each day and that you make the best of what you have at this time of year and each day as, we have lost so much already…I know none of us wants to lose what little left we have.
Merry Christmas and may god hear and answer your prayers.
Thank you for giving me the gift of not feeling alone. My eldest married into a divorced family the philandering husband that became her father in law is a court appointed psychology therapist. One of the most narcissistic, manipulative men I’ve ever met who teamed up with his first ex-wife and current wife to alienate my husband and I from ever seeing our grandchildren. But they never hesitated to ask for money. After six years I said enough and cut the money off. Their father would like to retire someday. They called me mentally ill, insane, while asking me for more money. They recruited our youngest and her husband to alienate our grandchildren from them as well. Labeling me borderline personality disorder for complaining and taking a stand. They slandered me to everyone in our lives including neighbors. I went to a psychiatrist who specializes, took all mental health test, that wasn’t good enough either.
I’ve let my daughters and grandchildren go. I watch the pain my husband endures as he stands by my side.
This is an epidemic and yes, we spoiled them because we wanted them to have a better life. In return, they’ve left us to grow old and die alone.
Same story. I feel so sorry for both of us. The heartache is unbearable sometimes. Prayers and healing sent your way!
I have been going through a distancing with both of my children, my daughter texted me yesterday while I was at work, not really sure why, but she called me ugly names and blaming me for everything. I did not “bite” I didn’t yell, I did not use the same awful language back at her, just let her vent. My son (has my only grandchild) I haven’t spoken to him since last Dec. He shut me out over the holidays because I forgot his birthday (he is 30) I did apologize for the mistake. I got nothing but radio silence until 3 pm Christmas day. I had already moved forward with my holiday plans with my husband. I don’t know what happened, I was a single mom for both their teen years, my x is not much to talk about…I did my very best. I guess it wasn’t good enough.
I am in the same situation. How do you cope with this situation? It’s been frustrating for me
Dear Irina,
I hope you found some ideas for coping in the article above. My heart goes out to you, as this is so incredibly painful and frustrating. Be sure to seek professional help if you feel you are ready for that. Take care of you. Linda
I’m so sorry for the distancing of both your children. It has to be your biggest heartache. You mention moving forward, and even if you take baby steps in doing this, you will be moving toward establishing your life without your kids defining you. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from our own kids, to protect our hearts. I know you wonder if what you did wasn’t good enough. I’ve wondered this too. But, you say you did your best so keep reminding yourself of that! We gave it our all, and if they react this way now, since they are adults, we have to let them. Be sure to seek out a life coach or a counselor if the pain becomes overwhelming. Especially during special days and holidays. ❣️