3 Mistakes New Grandmothers Make When Looking After the Grandkids
You are so excited… your first grandchild has arrived into the world! You want to jump in and take over, but then your children don’t want you interfering.
I get this question all the time. “What did I do wrong? My children are upset with me… but I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Many times, new grandparents aren’t sure how to move forward. People tell me they want to be part of the beautiful experience of grandparenthood. They want to move full steam ahead. All they can think about is their grandchild and everything they’re going to do with him or her.
Your expectations are high, but the new parents may behave in a way that feels like they are pushing you away. Or, perhaps they are so anxious they call you four times a day wondering how to do this or that.
I did some informal research and asked my daughter’s friends, who are all having or recently had babies, what they thought is the best advice to new grandparents.
I heard these resounding comments over and over:
Ask Before You Do
Always ask your children, the parents of your grandchild, first. Don’t assume that your children are going to parent the exact same way you do or did.
Respect the New Parents’ Decisions
It’s all about healthy boundaries. If your kids say “no” don’t override their decision because you think you know better. Remember, this new family is trying to find their way. It is a trial-and-error experience. You might not like it, but interfering will only put distance between you and the new parents.
Focus on the Needs of the New Parents, aka, Your Children
Look for ways you can support them. On the emotional front, listen, listen, listen! If they talk about their exhaustion, acknowledge the fatigue that comes with the challenges of being first-time parents.
Gently offer suggestions on how to handle certain issues, but only if you ask them first. You can say, “I have an idea that might help… Do you want to hear it?” If they say yes, share. If they say no, let it go.
I think the biggest takeaway is to understand that you are weaving a new relationship with your children and your grandchild. It’s not just about the baby. Don’t try to take over. Move gently and slowly because you are working with a new family that is finding their way.
You will have a better relationship in the long run.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What are your experiences of being a new grandparent? What mistakes did you make and what did you learn from them? Please be so kind to share them in the box below so we can all learn from each other.
Tags Grandchildren
As a Greatgrandmother, I find I can say “I know things are different now but what I used to do when I had this problem/issue is”…………….. My Grandaughter can take it or leave it. :) Yes, I’ve been entrusted with the care of my new Greatgrandson, so Mum could go to the gym and have some time to herself.
I kept away from my mother after I had my daughter–I had seen how she overtook & interfered in the life of my sister’s first child, & wanted none of that. Mum was the same with my sister’s second & third children.
We weren’t estranged, but I kept my distance. I never regret it.
Shortly after my husband died, you might say I “interfered” by pleading with my son to get himself and his 4 adopted children immunized. End result was an email from my son and his wife stating I was trying to manipulate them and that they are no longer on speaking terms with me. I wrote an apology but received no response. We have been estranged now for over four years.
Karen,
How sad. Not sure what you meant by ‘pleading’ but maybe it was the way you said it? However, it does seem strange that 1) they’ve cut you off for 4 years.2) was this the only time you’ve ever said anything that would make them feel this way? and 3) in today’s society, it is extremely rare that children are not being vaccinated.
They need you as much as you need them.
Tap into Dr. Joshua Coleman he is an expert on estrangement. I was truly on the brink with my son. Also Barbra Drizen. Lots of free information
and you will see you are not alone.