What’s Worse? Waiting for the End of a Loved One’s Life? Or Going on After Losing Them?
Back in 2018, my second husband passed from this life, and one of my friends asked, “Would you have married again if you knew he would be gone in 6 years?” That is a hard question to answer.
It made me think for just a minute. On some level, I think I realized things might go that way, but I never actually acknowledged it. Would I want to give up these last very happy six years we spent together? No; both of our lives were enriched by our choice to marry again.
A More Difficult Question
About eight years ago, another of my good friends and neighbors received the news that her husband had a brain tumor and was not likely to live more than six months.
Three years later, he was still alive, experiencing many good days, although he never had the same good health he enjoyed before his diagnosis.
For the past two months of my husband’s life, my friend and I were on the same path more than once. Both of our husbands were in the same local large hospital at exactly the same time. In addition, we both brought our husbands home with Hospice within a day of one another.
However, after her husband arrived back home, he rallied and said he wasn’t ready to go yet which was wonderful, though it did not last very long.
My husband passed within nine days of being brought home, while her husband’s health went up and down. At times his condition had been very bad, he’d gone back to the hospital and was again with Hospice.
My friend asked me at one point, “Waverly, you’ve been in both places. Which is the hardest: waiting for them to leave this earth or going on after they are gone?” I replied, “Let me think about that. I’m not sure yet.” After a few weeks, I had my answer.
Both are very difficult situations, but once your loved one is in a place where there seems to be no hope of recovery, I think it is easier after they have passed. Then you no longer have to watch them suffer or worry about them and try to anticipate meeting their every need as much as possible.
Still Struggling with My Answer
At this point, my faith is a great source of strength because I do believe that he is no longer suffering and in a much better place. I also believe he is at peace and that I will see him again.
Unfortunately, being in this kind of mental state is way too familiar. But after surviving most parents’ worst fear – losing my son at age 24 – and the death of my first husband, I realized I could make a go of life again.
After losing our son, it took me a long time to work through the depression and hopelessness. I had to decide again and again to go on with hope for the future.
Now I have the perspective that I have gone through the worst and coped with God’s help.
Some of My Survival and Coping Techniques
Looking back now, I recognize the different ways I survived.
One of the true stories I read during my time of grief was about a woman who lost all of her children during the civil war due to various causes. She took that experience and started a school for both black and white children together, which was unheard of at that time.
I recall how much that story impacted me and gave me hope that I could survive and go on and accomplish things that mattered in spite of my deep loss.
One memory I have is of going into a beautiful store filled with all kinds of art and beautiful glassware. I remember how it seemed to feed my soul and give me hope that there still would be good things ahead in spite of the great pain in my heart.
When my first husband lost his job, I was forced to take what I had always considered the worst job in the world – Child Protective Services. It felt awful, trying to protect children who appeared to not be valued by their parents, while my heart was breaking over losing my own.
On one of my dark days, I stopped by a paper supply store which just happened to be inviting customers to try out some of their items and showing how to use them.
And wonder of wonders! As I began experimenting, I noticed for the first time in a very long time I was actually having fun. I felt like I was back in kindergarten, enjoying myself. I’d lost that capability along with my son and doing the heavy on-call emergency type of work with children and families.
The paper store experience ended up being very therapeutic for me and has brought me many hours of pleasure since then.
Now my art has branched into jewelry making and is still a great release from dealing with couples, individuals and families going through difficult times.
Satisfaction of Helping Others Go On and Overcome
I have been in private practice for many years now. I’ve also worked with the military, helping service men and women returning from war to reintegrate with their families.
Getting the satisfaction of seeing hundreds of miraculous turnarounds in people’s lives and marriages is very rewarding and fulfilling and keeps me going.
I always say, everyone who lives long enough will go through difficult times. Some people go on with life for a very long time without trauma, while others experience it early in life.
Life can be beautiful again when we live with purpose and faith now and in the future!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Can you relate or has life been pretty smooth so far for you? How have you survived your difficult times? Any suggestions to share with others based on your own pain? Please join the conversation!
I lost my husband six months ago under Hospice took in 31 days to die. It was horrendous., remembering the way, it looked when he died in my arms don’t know how to go on anymore I don’t have a support system
Tammy, I have just read this. How are you doing? How wonderful that you were together when he died—I’m sure that is what he would have wanted?
All of us at 60&me are your support system. Please reach out if you need.
Jen 🇦🇺
Tammy, I hope you can slowly build a circle of friends, reach out to a community – I am sure you could find something both online and in your area – don’t dwell on your husband’s passing if you can help it. You were with him when he died – that is a blessing in a way. Take care and all the best for you.
This is an interesting article. My husband died of cancer with MAID…medical assistance in dying, legal here in Canada. We chose for him to die at home. Before the day he died, my home had a revolving door of doctors, nurses and caregivers. And I was busy organizing the comings and goings, and taking care of him. After he passed, everyone disappeared and I was left alone. There was no support for me. While,I missed him terribly, my grieving was compounded by my own feelings of loneliness and coping on my own. I would have to say for me…it was harder to go on after he died. At least when I was taking care of him, he was still here.
I lost my 2nd husband to the complications of chemotherapy for oesophageal cancer just five weeks ago. He had been my first love but after a five year courtship we parted and married others, it took just one phone call 50 years later to rekindle our relationship. Would I have missed the wonderful six and a half years we had if I had known that I was once again going to be grieving a loving, kind man. No way, those six and half years were worth every tear I have shed.
Heartwarming article Waverley. My husband died after a hideous six year battle with colon cancer. During that time I never knew a minutes peace from worry & fear. I was left with a devastated child under the age of 6.
Peter died in January 2001. I was in my car on the way to pick up my daughter from school and the news of the attacks on New York came through the radio. My immediate thoughts were not of the people killed but of the devastation for the lives of those families of those killed.
There is no answer to the question of which is worse the time waiting or the aftermath of death. There is really only hope, which as sorrowful at times as life can be you prove the point in this article.
My hope for us all is that our happy memories out weigh the sad ones.