The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.
Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?
Is Detachment a Wall?
The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?
Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.
With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.
With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:
- Our need to be needed.
- Our desire to nurture someone.
- Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!
What Went Wrong
When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’
When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?
In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.
Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.
Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:
You Can’t Control Other People
We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.
The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon
You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness
We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.
My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.
Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon
Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up
Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.
Complete People Can Love Completely
I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.
True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.
Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.
Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.
Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.
What to Do Now?
If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?
- Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
- Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
- Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
- Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.
- Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
- Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity.
- Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
- Read empowering books such as:
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon
Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.
When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.
Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.
Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.
My daughter and I were close until her teen years. Then 2 years where she wouldn’t speak to me. She married and never told me. Now she’s 34 she has a 2 yr old son. I’ve met him 3 times. I’m not allowed to hold him, hug him, pick him up or interact with him. I was in dv for 16 years, that ended but she doesn’t want me close to her. I can relate to the comment about no next of kin. I’m alone, parents dead, no family or friends due to the dv. And no daughter. I adore her yet respect her wishes. I’m not allowed to call her or visit. It’s only today that I felt the first stirrings of self love and acceptance of my loneliness. I feel so hurt. So betrayed, but she’s alive and well. It could be worse.
I raised 2 children from a very young age after divorcing their father. He was a heavy drinker and while I didn’t know it then suffers from delusional disorder. The kids were my life. I went back to school to become a nurse do I could make a good salary. I was always there for them. Encouraging them in their interests. I did however suffer from situational depression. Not bad enough that I wasn’t able to function, but I could get easily frustrated and angry at times.
But both my kids went to college and received degrees in their area if interest. Art for one and philosophy and economics for the other. At first my dtr, the oldest and the economic grad was very successful in her career. And while most of the time we had an “ok” relationship, she felt distant from me and at time agitated at me. I tried to ask why. But that just made things worse. Fast forward 22 yes, she’s been married and divorced twice with a child by her second marriage. She started drinking and became delusional. Estranged from me and her brother off and on for years at a time. She’s now homeless, refuses to talk to me and calls me her aunt. Seems she thinks I’m not her mother. Very painful
Rightly or wrongly, I’ve somewhat relied on my son for being there for me. That hasn’t gone well either. He moved out of state after college and hasn’t been back. We see each other once a year. He doesn’t work at all at his Art anymore. He’s met a nice young woman. He’s 45 and never been married. He stoped calling very much. Maybe 2-3 weeks. Texts occasionally. I just feel sometimes I want to curl up and die. I have friends and family. Most of whom see their adult children, and grandchildren. I feel I failed miserably as a mother and I’m not sure why.
I’m old, have physical issues, am lonely and have no support system. Recently survived a horrific car crash that totaled my car. Before that couldn’t walk for long periods with bursitis and hyper mobility problems. Before that years of neck and head pain from movement of head during vertigo attacks. Also been a single mother of a 34 year old son. This last experience after my car crash left me unable to move much for almost 2 weeks due to some burns and injury from seat belt airbags and jolting of car in crash. Nothing broken by some miracle. Alone in the house was just awful as every other experience in the past. My son called a few times but never offered to come down to help me. I live in the south and he lives in the north. He was always busy and barely answered most of my desperate texts . It broke me into pieces. I realize I have NO ONE to rely on in my worst moments. No ONE. I cried a lot. I’m ready to leave this world. When you have no support anywhere or love, what’s the point of living?
Jen,
You have you and hopefully you believe in God. Find a good church, they have support groups and some people in the same situation as you. Talk to the minister, he is there to help you get connected. It’s scary, help yourself find friends.
Why do you have not one female friend if you’re single? Neighbors?
Your sons behavior is inexcusable, but don’t leave this world because of him. Did he realize how low you were feeling? Men are sometimes not empathetic until they are the ones hurting.
I wish it was that simple..my adult sons gave been estranged for 8 years now and I miss them..I miss the connections we used to have. I just want to hear from them.
I am 81 years old and my husband has died. I do not expect my adult children and grand children to give me a lot of their time but is a couple of hours once a month asking to much?
Do not tell me I am or was a bad parent. My husband I were always there with help when needed. Most weekends were spent taking care of the grands which we loved doing.
They owe me nothing for what I did for them,I did it because I loved doing it.
I am so hurt though that now that I am not needed I am pretty much ignored.
I do not call and bother them I just miss them.
I am very sorry for your loss. Not only the loss of your husband, but the loss of your children. I pray they call you or come visit you soon‼️🙏⚘️
You are your children’s mother. Reach out to them because they are busy. Have a pleasant conversation and don’t make them feel guilty. Ask them to come by and have the ice cream ready. My Mom is 88, she doesn’t have much to talk about but she always has dessert.