Hi angela! I feel you.

Hi Angela,
What your feeling is recognized. I get it. But I want to tenderly relay some thoughts that may help. Please know I went through this. In hindsight, from the glory of birth we as Moms/Dads make it our life work to raise them to be independent adults. Think of that for a moment. We revel in all of it- and are proud of them and ourselves. So when they are (and it’s their right) ready to face their future we want to be on that path- however that’s where we need to press the stop button. Give them the freedom they need. No matter what choices they are making. At this point, they should be able to learn their lessons. Does that make sense ? In order to repair the mistakes I made – I had to have a sit down honest conversation- and admit that I didn’t know what to do or that I wasn’t as good as I should have been with communication of my feelings. I wished I had done this before it snowballed into a non constructive battle. Remember this please- every parent is going to something wrong 😑 and “screw” up their kids in some small way! It’s human nature. Also every child has 1 heartache with mom or dads name on it. These are words from my wonderful therapist! Hope this helps xo

Girl. Oh Girl first off God Bless ya for texting all that. I hate texting but I feel when I do I go overboard, do thanks for sharing.and yes I feel ya, especially on the things others say, hey you should be happy for him, .. etc. STOKE knows it’s me being happy for him in10 folds man….for real. Alot has gone down thro these years, and I almost feel I’m lying or something if I don’t text all of it for justification and validations. Family members agh. I was always a black sheep. And no I didn’t label my own self either, but is funny cause when I accepted that , and said it in agreement at various times in my life , then , then I was labeled as trying to be something I’m nit or some crap . You will have people sayen and thinking they know you better than yourself…. NOT. at least you know, at least I know if I gotta get something off my plate or whatever people are calling it now, I can call up my 1 and only SON, SAILOR, hell…. MY EVERYTHING. THAT MY DEAR FRIEND WILL NEVER EVER EVER GO AWAY. NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY OR ANYTHING SAYS. whether it’s an in law , an outlaw, or the law. That’s it…. later

Hello Angela, it’s been some months now. How are you doing?

I know exactly how you feel! Hi I’m Jules. You’re not making it about you, you’re expressing how you feel and that’s ok. When or children grow up and go out into the big wide world its only natural to think they’ll come back to tell you of their day and their lives. It’s ok to want to hear from them and spend some time with them. We’ve been there every step of the way with them into adulthood so it makes sense to want that connection to exist. We’re not just parents are human beings who have emotions and feelings and they matter. It hurts to feel were being taken for granted and not thought of. It really does. You’re not alone though. Let them fly and make plans for you in the meantime x

Hi, i feel just like you.And yhink your feelings are totally natural.
I’m a divorced mum of five adult children.
One daughter four sons.
She has been wanting to move for a few years.She has always lived here with me..
But started pulling away, we always have been so so close.
But she started being disrespectful and taking liberties.
I think it was a way of breaking away.She also has 17yr old daughter.My grand daughter.
Bottom line is, i’v been in pieces I have never lived alone, So hurting badly with the breakdown of our closeness,..I have also just lost one of my sons.grief for us all ,been so strange and unreal.
I’m a very sad lonely confused mum….

I want such peace for you…I can honestly feel my heart aching for you completely. I never post to these types of things; I never really feel I have much to add, anyway. So, I don’t know what compelled me to post this.. maybe some divine intervention or something like that.
I truly feel for you. And, I can also relate. My daughter is moving out and I…just minutes ago.. purchased her airline ticket to leave. It feels similar to a really sad breakup with a person who i was with for nearly a decade. .. but, worse. Much worse. Its hard to imagine lifting my chest for the next breath to follow the previous. I’m inundated with the reminder she is leaving throughout the day, and it instantly causes my stomach to drop as if I’d swallowed a bowling ball. Which, soon after, has me shaking and the dreaded (inevitable) tears always follow. I have always been close to my kids, like the nauseating mom kind of close. I honestly have made nearly every big decision in our lives, for their benefit; Everything considers them and their needs. Over the years, I am notorious for reading every single book I can get my hands on regarding child-rearing. There is no exaggeration when I tell you that its every book I can hold. The genres ranged from infant development, homemade baby food, self soothing, and playdate success, to elementary-aged school success, building self confidence, social skills, and study practices. Then, later on it evolved into books featuring the survival of the teenage years,, life planning, home economics, and finance management. I also homeschooled them from 4th grade, on. We moved from a small town to a big city…that’s a bit less… favorable in comparison. Oh, who am I kidding, we moved to a place way, way, way more unfavorable. I was not comfortable with the regular things that the children of comparable ages were engaging in, so I had to make a call and it was to transition to homeschooling. I had been room mom, and teachers assistant every year in their school before, so it was an easy transition for everyone involved. (Except the school, who missed our participation.)
I say all of that, because I was hoping to help in you understanding when I say every decision was made considering these kids, I truly mean what I say. I promised myself when I had kids that I would do my very best at it, and I believe I have met that promise to this day. Even on days I’d reflect and realize my errors, at any point there wasn’t a long, long time spent pondering and ultimately always ended with me agreeing to make a better choice next time, and how to apply that change to my parenting overall. At the very least, I would consider every available option to better my relationship with my kids. So, if I messed up, I thought about it-and thoroughly, as well.

This somehow feels different and this is the first time I’ve believed that someone else could truly relate to the attachment bond I am mourning the inevitable loss of. I realize its wasting precious time I could be spending doing more hypothetically productive tasks, but this is just me being stuck on the breakup-like feeling in my chest. Like, did I actually think I could keep this precious child (adult) here forever? Um, realistically…no. But quite obviously a part of me did, otherwise I wouldn’t be mourning this way. Of course, my kid is not leaving on the greatest terms, either. Completely by accident, I stumbled on a conversation she was having with a group of online gaming friends where she rather convincingly portrayed herself the victim of my “running of the household.” I was shocked because they actually were seemingly believing her fabricated lifestyle. I have her doing chores supposedly daily from sunrise to nearly midnight, oh that is..except for all the days and times she is available online to play games with…which is every day and night pretty much around the clock. And, apparently, I starve her…except thank goodness for the regular snack times her and her group all take simultaneously throughout their gameplay…where upon prompt return to their screens they all proudly display their gatherings and share vicariously amongst one another. And, I pull her hair allegedly regularly…which is awfully contradictive to the known fact that I was a master color & hairstylist for years, interning with one of the most intricate cutting artists of our time where I was trained down to my dna to pay homage and adore every strand of hair, so much so I couldn’t shake the teachings instilled in me if my life depended on it. This doesn’t sound much like a person who would pull hair, at least not to me it doesn’t. And, that I stopped her from continuing to exercise her artistic abilities, despite the fact she’s got more art supplies than can fit comfortably in her room. The closet is literally straining at the seams to contain the shear amount of art supplies she currently possesses. This seems like an obvious pattern of lies to me, but her friends seem to absolutely buy into it as if they were fish on a line. Further reading revealed that further back she had a few people who were claiming to be abused by their parents, each would regularly burst into the chat room with one crisis after another only to be (in non-crisis fashion) calmed down with just a few words of encouragement from the other chat room attendees. Things like, suggesting that the crisis individual maybe go make a sandwich or take a few minutes to breathe were all the suggestions needed to bring an eerie behavior of instant calm to them. I am not saying that they were not in crisis…just pointing out it was a strange pattern of behaviors as a whole. So, in referencing these past crisis moments, I clearly saw what I believe to be where my daughter learned this odd behavior. Because, related.to each past friend- crisis situation, lie a completely identical claim on my daughters allegedly crisis situations. As in, they were almost word for word identical claims. To claim Plaudurusm would be an understatement here. It was plain to see where she had help inventing this stream of stories and how to utilize them to gain her sympathy from the group. I haven’t told her I know this information, however. And I probably won’t. Bur, when she leaves the plan is to go live with a friend out of state for awhile. And, I am aware these parents think I am just awful. And they’re so totally wrong but I am believed to be this horrific mother and that is terribly painful to me. Its like walking into a room where you know you’re being gossips about horribly, beyond any possibility of even stating your truth without being mocked and rejected. The things I know the friends have relayed their parents say about me is obvious to me their minds are just plain decided, not to be convinced otherwise regardless of the truth. So, my daughter is telling me she’s going to visit a friend for a few months and telling the other parents she’s fleeing to escape me.Although, her flight date has changed several times due to several conflicts between schedules, and airline changes made without any relation to her actions at all. However, she relays her upcoming travel plan changes in a bubbly tone each time.. quite obviously barely containing her excitement…and seems to pay no mind to the delayed departure at all. Right, the departure that is being made out of complete desperation and barely with her life intact. Mind you, she has money of her own, an i.d. and two legs that quite regularly help her race up and down the stairs during snack times while online…seems to me if she were truly in crisis, she could just leave by way of walking out the front door. But, I guess in my mind I usually devise my plans of escape to be as simple as possible. When I’m planning escapes, that is. You know, like while watching an intense movie on Netflix or something similar where I imagine how I would escape such a terrifying scene as is being shown on the television. That’s
about the scope of my involvement with planning my own escape adventures. Sorry to bore you with my reality, lol. So, my daughter had constructed this false persona-in-crisis, and she has to regularly balance the “stories”within it. And I know it and watch her drift backwards into behavior I did not instill in her and yet the grasp this group has on her is killing me daily. It is probably similar to knowing your son will be soon in the household of another and that will change him more than you probably imagine. Its hard to think that we instill so much of everything we can that’s good in our kids only to see them so easily changed by the mere passing by of another peer. I don’t quite understand it yet, but I’m spending a lot of time learning about it. I can only say do far the opinions of their peers seems to echo that of a pack of wolves in that its strong. Very, very strong. It of course sickens me to from a birds eye view see the looks of satisfaction on her friends faces the when she successfully displays her outright defiance of what they imagine I am forcing her to abide by. They actually look smug on the screen they are unaware I am witnessing at the time. The problem is, (oh my how there are so many problems with this situation..but to mention just one) the people who are manipulating her are not those who emulate the true characteristics of a lifelong friend who would lay down their life for her, if necessary. I know I would. But their opinions seem to weigh more, a difference of tons it seems, than my opinion. So, I can only imagine you may feel a similar anguish over the future that your sons influence will be surely experiencing. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I just hope knowing there’s other parents who are in a similar situation and in my case possibly worse and that we feel just awful about the whole thing as you you have expressed that you do. So I hope I helped, and that you feel a bit more understood overall. Because you are a great mom, it seems. And, this is just another layer of hard that being that a great mom brings with it. If it were easy, I suppose that more people would be doing it with equal passion and commitment. Which in turn, would mean more adored offspring in the world.And, gaging on statistics and interpersonal relationships that I have had personally, and experienced through book and online interactions…the world is not overflowing with the types of children who are raised by moms like you who literally breath for their utmost responsibility to be a dedicated, invested, and victorious mom like yourself. So, what I mean to say is that the job of raising your son wasn’t just handed out to just anyone..maybe it was reserved for you because ypur ability and willingness to commit yourself so completely to the success of achieving the goal of good parent was much more attainable than others. Maybe its because it was known you were qualified to meet the challenges that you’ve faced and provide the steadfast pure adoration for your son along the way. Kids are not easy and boys especially pose a list of challenges to moms through the teenage years and you obviously have survived that and emerged with yet again an unshakeable love for your son. And it sounds like he did in return (emerged with a loving relationship.) So, this is yet another challenge in your previously unbeaten record of handling the raising of a son like the “boss lady” we should all be looking up to in admiration. So, my hope is for you to come to this same recognition of your success and that maybe you just take your crown and in contrast to your current thoughts- be proud of yourself for achieving the frequently (seemingly) daunting goal of raising a quality son in today’s world of negative influence.

Hello how ironic I came to your message first. I am really struggling as well. I too have 22 yr old boy/girl twins whom are my world. My son went to college 4 hrs away but I was dealing with that “ok” because I knew he would come home as much as possible and every summer. I still had his twin home and my 23 yr old daughter but my son and I have always been the best of friends. I love all of my kids equally but my son has always been a Mamas boy. He and his twin sister have always been super close same friends, same interests etc. She would travel to see him at college all the time as their separation was so so hard on them both. Fast forward his Senior year i amgoing thru the divorce from their father after 25 yrs and had to move. So his twin decided she would move to Morgantown to be with her twin and my oldest whom I love dearly but don’t get along with had to move back to Maryland with MY mom as she had a surgery coming up that she needed live in help with temporarily or at least I thought temporarily. So now both twins are 5 hrs away my Mother and I and my daughter and are constantly bickering. Now prior to this neither twins had serious relationships prob because they both have come out as gay in last 6 months. NOW FIRST AND FOREMOST I don’t love them ANY less and will support them unconditionally till my last breath but now I find myself hurting because I think we all look forward to grandkids so that’s NOT going to happen for my girl as she has no desire for kids and my son wants a baseball team but as we all know surrogate/ adoption etc come with a lot of heartache and takes a loonngg time and money. So just as I was excited that after he graduated possibility of living together was a glimmer. That was of course before both of them found their first loves/relationships. They are so happy and I tell them how happy I am and thank them for the FaceTimes etc. But now my son has landed his first job with a big bank in Pittsburgh where his BF lives. NOW I FEEL SO SAD AND EMPTY. It so selfish of me but I am having nightmares that I never see him again etc. I have always been #1 to him and for the first time in his life he told me he cldnt talk because he needed to use his break to talk to David. I hate myself for being so selfish but I am so empty and my oldest daughter and I can’t get along for 5 mins and my twin daughter is so wrapped up in her new love I seldom get calls or return texts. So if you have read ALL of this just know you are not alone and be grateful that they are close by and your future as grandmother etc seems very bright. You asked for someone to admit their feelings so hopefully this helps your heart if even a little.

You’re saying he feels the same way I think you’re throwing on to him your anxiety. It’s really unhealthy for even to say it on here .this is your grown child ,let go, find a hobby. You said The Four of Us so I’m assuming there’s a husband why don’t you get reintroduced to like before you had children how about making him your hobby

Hi. Me too. I just spent a week driving across the country, helping my 25 year old daughter move. Got sucked in again, to the lure of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting me to see the place, like it and move there, too
Because “she wants me nearby again”. But had to listen to a gruesome book on audible the whole way, no talking…and then started making fun of me, and being rude once we arrived. I fly home tomorrow and know I won’t hear from her until she needs something . I always cave because of the fear of growing older alone.

Hi Becky,
I feel your pain, up until 4 years ago I poured all of my energy into my adult daughter who is now 40 years old. My daughter never really let me mother her she always did the total opposite of my advice; which in turn caused her to spiral out of control, of course I was right there by her side mistake, after mistake. I co-signed for apartments, cars which led to broken leases, and a car repo which I’m still paying for today. Most people say I enabled her, and maybe I did but that wasn’t my intention.

In 2018 my hubby, and I packed up our two dogs moved to Austin TX. We leased our condo to her as she promised to do the right thing; late rent payments, poor upkeep of property, disrespect her and her boyfriend who add fuel to the fire not sure where she found him the hold situation is just terrible.

The thing is she can afford to pay the rent, and pay for the repo car, but she’s materialistic and spend all her money on designer clothes, food she actually brag to me once telling me she spent $9,000 on Door Dash.Poor credit, she rents a Mercedes Can you believe that? So sad.

I helped her raise my first grandson, I took him to football practice, attended PTA meetings, met with counselors, Church, and supported him in every endeavor like I did her.

Since I been living in Texas she had another baby, basically she uses him as a pawn to control me if I talk about paying rent she want let me see, since I live in Texas FaceTime or zoom with him is how we communicate..

As I mentioned she’s living in my condo, and dealing with the ups and downs with her made me mentally and physically sick.
I hired a property management company to manage the property. The company had her sign a lease which her lease is up in May and it will not be renewed. Oh and on several occasions I tried selling the condo, and making repairs and her and her boyfriend won’t let anyone in the home. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but since I hired the property manager and monitor my interactions with her I was to able reverse to prediabetes without medication.
Every time I let my guards down and think we’re on the right track she reverse back to the same behavior. She have lied to people, playing the victim, I know she’s never going to change so I know I have to gloves off, no more thinking that she’s my daughter and I am somehow obligated to allow her to treat me badly, after all she’s down to me..
I’m providing her a roof over her hand and she don’t want to pay rent, late every month.
I’m just looking for a support because it extremely difficult because by nature I’m nurturing and passionate about supporting others.. but she has completely hardened my heart when it comes to her.

My prayer life have definitely improved; and it’s helping.

Denise, I hear this often, adult children estranged from their parents. This isn’t for no reason, if three of your children are against you that’s a definite indication that something was done by parent. I truly truly hope you’re seeing a therapist that can help you look deeper and find the source for your children deciding to keep you out of their lives.

Judy,

” leave your possessions to a charity”, I like that! If my 2 sons decided to become estranged I wouldn’t hesitate to donate everything to a charity. How hurtful and self-centered on their part. Before I did it though I’d write them a long letter for self satisfaction and get right to the point. It might wake them up!