Should We Reveal Vulnerability and Depression to Our Children and Grandchildren?
I’d like to talk about a difficult topic, depression – and what we may be teaching our children and grandchildren about revealing vulnerability. Or not teaching them.
Lots of people don’t like talking about troubling things. You might rather read a post that’s more light-hearted, more upbeat. Unless you’re one of the ones struggling with difficult feelings – maybe even depression.
The Rise of Depression
There are many current studies highlighting an international rise of depression and suicide. It’s becoming a rampant issue. It is one that is more and more likely to affect your life or the lives of those you love. Wherever you live. At whatever age.
The rise of depression with increased social media involvement in younger people is well documented. Symptoms are being recognized as what they really are. Depression should be grabbing our attention as a culture, and as a world.
I’ve been writing for a few years about a different version of depression, one that won’t likely be included in these studies. This is one where people wouldn’t admit to experiencing symptoms such as depressed mood, not enjoying things that you’ve previously enjoyed, foggy thinking, a tendency to isolate.
It might include sleep and appetite changes, maybe even a sense of hopelessness or helplessness. The symptoms of classic depression might not be present. Or if they are, they aren’t revealed. Ever.
Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD)
Actually, people with PHD look engaged, happy, productive. They’re often the people others look up to, “I want to be like them. They’ve got a great marriage, a wonderful career.”
As we age, these folks are the people who appear to have exciting lives, whether they’re retiring or staying in the work world. They’re busy, busy, busy.
One could even write a midlife blog, touting how stimulating and empowering it is to age gracefully. They’ll give tips for staying active and upbeat, while secretly stumbling down a rabbit hole of despair and emptiness when alone at night.
Obviously, there are some people who are truly doing well. We can all learn from them.
But many of us may believe, and have modeled for our younger people, that it’s not okay to admit feeling overwhelmed. That it’s embarrassing to talk about the discrepancy that can exist between what life looks like and what it feels to be living it.
Stanford Duck Syndrome
In a Gen-Y Psychology Today column, Caroline Beaton quotes a Stanford blogger on the Stanford Duck Syndrome: “Everyone on campus appears to be gliding effortlessly across this Lake College. But below the surface, our little duck feet are paddling furiously, working our feathered little tails off.”
For Stanford students, the duck syndrome represents a false ease and fronted genius. “Frustration, anxiety, self-doubt, effort and failure don’t have a place in the Stanford experience.”
Where did, “We learn from our mistakes” go?
The Penn Face
How about the Penn face? The student author of this article is warning future graduates of Penn to stay away from the hypocrisy of putting on a smile and trying to look like everything’s going smoothly, when it’s very difficult.
On a national morning show in the US, I heard a psychiatrist answer questions about what parents should do if depression is suspected. The interview was showcasing the book What Made Maddy Run by Kate Fagan, a true story of one young female Penn track star who jumped to her own death.
The answer troubled me. She basically cited classic symptoms of depression – isolating, sleeping too much or not at all, wanting to drop out of things. At that point, I was yelling at the TV.
Maddie Holleran, the young woman in the book, was talking about not enjoying track anymore, about how much she wasn’t enjoying being at Penn. But she didn’t look consistently depressed.
She put on a great face when taking a selfie or Face Timing with friends. She never told anyone she was thinking of and researching suicide.
Her parents agreed to the book to help others through their own tragedy. What an extremely admirable thing to do – to make your own very private grief, public.
Adults don’t have control over what their children go through. But we do have control of what we teach them and how to handle things if feeling overwhelmed.
We can model openness and honesty. We can remember that depression can wear many faces, and they’re not all sad.
Here’s a questionnaire to determine if you may belong on the spectrum of Perfectly Hidden Depression.
You can hear more about Perfectly Hidden Depression and many other topics by listening to my new podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you agree that we often hide our vulnerability and depression from our friends and family? Please join the conversation below.
Tags Reducing Stress
There are so many unrealistic expectations in life, and it can be difficult when they are not met. Seems to be especially difficult for young people, as they tend to think that those who came before had it easier somehow. Maybe they think that be due to the lack of complaining that other generations were taught to “hold inside”. Many are led to believe that they simply “deserve” a lifestyle that is completely unrealistic. It would be a good idea to remind our kids, and our grandkids that nothing comes easy, and that it never did. Seeing the end result without understanding what it took to get there adds to their frustration. The best thing to do is to let them know, but to do it in a way that does not come across as whining, which is never helpful to anyone.
One of my kids doesn’t want to hear about my emotions, the other doesn’t talk about emotions too much. I wasn’t socialized to talk about the real stuff so I learned how to skirt around it. I rather talk about someone else’s issues rather than disclose mine. To disclose means you aren’t perfect and for an PHD (Ph.D? – lol) that is a fete worse than death. I like the Ph.D. part.
Now I am finally ready to tell the truth. When I was a student at an Ivy League school, I did an experiment. For one month I showed my vulerability. No one was interested. The second month I didn’t show my vulnerability and people were more engaging.
Sad, isn’t it?
I absolutely agree! I know because I am one who has hidden it for decades! My ex-husband didn’t want to hear anything about how I felt, ever! After losses such as the death of my parents, he found my crying to be embarrassing!
My sons are grown. I’m only allowed to share happy moments, thoughts and memories. My youngest decided I was a danger to his family 5 years ago, so he cut all ties with me. Now, I rarely see my oldest. There are rules for me to follow. No one is happy all the time.
Absolutely! The hidden struggle is real. I experienced PHD for most of my fifties. I didnt even realize how anxious and depressed I had become until years latter when I had time to reflect on that period of my life.
I eventually found my way out. I think it’s so important to be able to identify the symptoms..
I am much more aware now and haven’t struggled like that since.
My heart goes out to anyone who has or is experiencing this.
Debbie, can I ask how you found your way out of this? I think this is true with a huge percentage of the population. Hardly anyone will admit what is really going on – especially in my age group.
My book on perfectly hidden depression came out in 2019 and I have a TEDx talk on the subject. I hope those sources might be helpful for both of you. https://www.amazon.com/Perfectly-Hidden-Depression-Break-Perfectionism/dp/B087MT5H9N/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Dr.Margaret, I had already searched for a TEDx talk thinking you must have done one. I think this is much larger than anyone realizes. This culture is anything but supportive. Most of us keep everything inside for fear of being exposed.
For those of us living in New England,or new to it, this is huge. Few people engage with new people, especially over the age of 60 plus. People definitely do not show their vulnerability here. I lived a bunch of places in the east coast. This area is wholly different.
It’s the same here in the states.
By this age it seems that most people already have a friend group and aren’t very interested in adding new people.
Part of it was shear stubbornness and determination…
I didn’t like the way it was feeling. It literally made me physically ill.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a couple years ago. I.am pretty sure my anxiety and depression from not knowing how to process my emotions didn’t help.
I also give credit to the strength and resilience to the generations of women that came before me.
You are stronger then you know.
Hang in there. Ask for help when you need it and never, ever give up on yourself!
Here is a formula that has worked for me.
Our feelings are our guide post.
1. Observe
2. Process
3. Let go
I hope that is helpful and I wish you all the best on your journey.
Personally speaking, I do not believe in hiding problems from older children. I think if they know the truth about how hard life can be and they we do not have control over much of it. For example, when I was in my later 30’s I was diagnosed with lupus, Fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s The last three years I have battled breast cancer and last Oct, Lewy body Dementia. it is what it is. I don’t sit and cry or feel sorry for myself, I just keep keeping on. No pretenses at all.
Sandy, I think that assumes a high level of comfort with yourself. I suppose it is all in how we balance it.
I hope you are doing well today. Hugs.