Single for a Reason – Is This Your Case?
SFAR (single for a reason) is a real thing. On a monthly basis, in my line of work as a dating coach, I talk to dozens of clients… plus women who want to become clients. And the things I hear overlap.
Let me be honest and say that this will be straightforward. If I had a dollar for every single man or woman who called me and said:
- There are no good singles out there – they are all married!
- Men want slim model types!
- My girlfriends tell me the horrors of online dating!
- Online doesn’t work for me!
- Men just want my money or to be taken care of!
And many more. All excuses. This is not the year 2000 when online dating was still in its infancy and the app developers had badly honed algorithms and search engines. This is 2023, and trust me, you can find exactly what you’re looking for.
It Takes Work
So, let’s be honest, the fault is in you, not the dating app. And I’m absolutely not being negative – I just know that over 65% of my clients are now in relationships. Online dating does work – if you work it.
Social media and the current dating culture has surrounded us with so many people. Yet, at the same time I see more isolation than ever before – and I’ve been working with singles for 25 years!
Working it does not mean looking for love in your spare moments, swiping while in traffic or at the dentist’s office, or a quick look at possible matches while watching Jeopardy with a glass of wine and looking at your site sporadically during commercial breaks. Nope. This strategy is a recipe for failure!
The Truth Behind Your Excuses
So, let’s start by debunking those excuses.
There Are No Good Singles Out There – They Are All Married!
They are not all married. In fact, 48% of the population is single according to the US Census Bureau. And let me tell you, I work with men too – and they are looking for a quality partner.
Men Want Slim Model Types!
That is actually untrue. And although some men might want to date younger (which is true for some women as well), the actual stats say that 80% want someone right around their own age.
My Girlfriends Tell Me the Horrors of Online Dating!
Please, please don’t listen to your girlfriends!!! If they are married, they are practically clueless about what’s going on in the singles’ scene. If your girlfriends are single, well, there’s a reason for that.
Online Doesn’t Work for Me!
And, then I hear, “I want to meet him/her organically.” This is not our parents’/grandparents’ era, although in rare occasions you may end up meeting someone in real life.
I strongly believe we are extremely lucky to have so many options, and if you are on the right sites, online dating will work for you. With a strategy, of course. As I said, it would require a bit of work. But it needn’t be a full-time job – you can hire a coach to help you with the heavy lifting and keep your spirits in check.
Example: Trina, 63, a New Yorker, had super high expectations when she came to me in October. She told me her goal was a relationship by Christmas. I told her we’d start by dating with zero emphasis on a relationship. (Of course, a relationship was our end goal, but it doesn’t start that way. It starts with going on a first date, a second date and so on).
On her first 3 dates (which took place all in one week) she was forthright with the men and told them her goal. Then she was surprised she never heard from them. Trina and I had a long coaching call on appropriate first date talk – and she’s relieved as the pressure is off.
Last week she told me about Matt, 66. She’d kept the conversation light, laughing a lot and genuinely enjoying herself on the first date. As we roll into this weekend, they are going on their 4th date. That’s how relationships start – one date at a time.
Men Just Want My Money or to Be Taken Care of!
Ok, last, he’s out for my money or needs a caretaker. With careful screening of potential dates, professions and their current lifestyle, I rarely, if ever, see this. Now, I did see more of these date hunters in the early 2000s but not in the past 10 years. When I work with a client, we read profiles together, and I spot abnormalities in a heartbeat. That is the type of screening that keeps you safe from gold diggers.
One More Thing
Be positive and jump into online dating as if it’s an adventure. Like climbing the trail to Machu Picchu. Or ziplining the 2-mile Sasquatch in Canada. Yes, a bit of nerves is good, but hopefully, more excitement than angst!
Happy dating!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What is the best advice you’ve taken about online dating? What is the worst? What are your online dating misconceptions? Have you done something to rebuke those misconceptions?
Tags Senior Dating Advice
I tell people I had to kiss a hundred frogs before I found my prince.
It was a journey of self discovery really.
After 10 years of abuse I decided I would be better off on my own . I’ve had 36 years of peace and calmness living a very full life instead of anxiety, fear and a stunted life. It may not be for everyone but it’s worked for me.
If all your male companions were abusive, maybe you were choosing them subconsciously?
One partner….singular….never dated since..so no subconscious choosing them, plural. Seems you just jumped to the conclusion it’s more than one partner …a rather cutting n dismissive response by you Gerry to a woman who was abused. I did the self work to heal , chose to remain single and made a great life for myself. Funny how when you succeed there’s a group of others who have to respond like Gerry..so sad
Wow, instantly dismissive and attacking! Maybe you are truly best on your own. Good luck.
I’m in total agreement with you and respect your decision. I too was married for over 50 years and the relationship was controlling and
emotionally abusive. It’s taken 5 years to be where I am today.
I’m my own person and in control. At the moment I’m where I want
to be, single and my own person. Good Luck.
I was suddenly widowed at 63 after being married to my second husband only 4.5 months. COVID hit full force less than 2 months later and we were basically locked down. I went on dating sites after being widowed about 6 months. Met some nice guys, a scammer, a stalker and a felon!! But I didn’t give up. I’m planning on living a long life as my mother and grandmother did, and I don’t want to do it alone. After a 9 month relationship with a narcissist, I was exhausted, but even more determined to find a great guy…and I did!!! On Our Time. We met in July, 2021, we’re engaged at Christmas, sold his home, rented mine, and built “our place. We were married in May, 2022. He’s about 2.5 years older, also divorced and then widowed. We are retired and simply loving life.
So happy for you!
Hi. You addressed younger but failed to mention slim.
To me this is interesting because people’s reasons for doubting the dating process seem to reveal a lack of trust. Considering what many women and men have been through by the time they reach their fifties, this perhaps isn’t surprising. An article on how to rebuild trust after being either taken for granted, exploited as free labor (as many women are) or outright abused might be useful, rather than dismissing reticence as not being able to work hard enough at something.