5 Not-So-Easy Ways to Navigate Around a Narcissist
Most of us have encountered a true narcissist sometime in our lives. If we admit it, we have come across multiple people with this challenging personality disorder at various times in our life. First off, I am not a professional therapist and cannot diagnose NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), and I think that many people throw around that word to describe selfish people when it is not truly NPD. I have also conducted a TON of research on the topic and can talk intelligently about it.
It is a challenging journey to navigate around a narcissist, yet it is a necessary step towards reclaiming your emotional autonomy. Let’s face it: those of us in our 60s and beyond have weathered the storms of relationships, whether married or single, and many of us have broken free from the grasp of a narcissist.
Of course, not everyone chooses to escape the grips of a narcissist for assorted reasons – some choose to stay and manage themselves within the confines of a narcissistic relationship. Most of the “reasons” I have heard center around needing insurance or other monetary security, or simply because they do not want to rock the boat or because they’d rather live with a narcissist than be alone.
This article unveils five proven – yet not-so-easy – ways to successfully navigate the challenges if you find yourself entangled with a narcissist.
#1: Use Self-Reflection and Awareness
Picture yourself as a quilt master, unraveling the subtle threads of manipulation and control woven into the fabric of your relationship with the narcissist. It is essential to scrutinize the intricate details of your interactions and reactions.
Inspect the back threads of why you react to their discounting and discarding. The major key in a relationship with any narcissist is not to react at all as that is rocket fuel for their soul. As you peel back the layers, a heightened awareness will emerge, providing the clarity needed to dismantle the narcissist’s influence.
#2: Set Boundaries
Narcissists do not like boundaries. However, they do respond to “IF statements.” For example, you can say, “If you choose to continue to ogle women, you’re telling me that you’re choosing to have me exit the room.” Or “If you choose to criticize everything I cook, then I will stop cooking for you.”
Imagine boundaries as a protective fortress surrounding your emotional landscape. Erecting this fortress involves not only understanding the limits of what you will tolerate but also fortifying them with assertive communication. You must choose to deny the narcissist access to the inner sanctums of your well-being.
#3: Cultivate Your Inner Strength
Think of inner strength as a blossoming garden within you, vibrant, colorful, and beautiful. Nurture this garden through acts of self-care and personal growth. Envision yourself tending to the delicate flowers of your passions and interests and not being consumed with pleasing the narcissist.
Hey, I know they retaliate when they do not get their way, but as you cultivate the soil of your inner strength, the roots of your resilience will deepen, anchoring you against the storms unleashed by the narcissist.
#4: Seek Professional Support
There is no shame in enlisting the help of a therapist to help guide you through the treacherous emotional waters of living with a narcissist. Since they devalue you in every area they can think of, you often find yourself thinking you are the one who is in error all the time, or that you are crazy or delusional because they cause you to doubt your own reality.
In fact, a narcissist will purposely place you in situations where they know you will fail as they find a sick pleasure in watching you fall short. They must be king/queen of the hill! They believe they are superior.
With this in mind, seeking and receiving expert guidance will guide you toward a safe emotional harbor as you share your experiences. Seeking professional support is not a sign of weakness but a courageous acknowledgment of your need for a compassionate ally on your journey to healing.
#5: Gradual Disengagement
Whether you choose to stay or flee, you can disengage emotionally from a narcissist. Visualize detachment as a delicate dance, a strategic choreography of steps leading away from the narcissist. Picture yourself gracefully disentangling from the emotional web, taking measured strides towards your personal freedom, gradually reclaiming control over your emotions and destiny.
One of the most dramatic ways to detach from a narcissist is to go no contact: block them from your phone, your social media accounts, and email. However, they know where you live and can find you if they want to.
Sometimes you can choose to simply not be available. You are busy… super busy… and cannot take time to engage with them. Or you could just tell them to buzz off… like forever, but just know that a narcissist will take that as a challenge because they think they will always have power over you.
As you embark on the odyssey of either navigating around a narcissist or completely removing yourself from their world, remember that each step is a victory in reclaiming your heart, your autonomy, and rediscovering the joys that you put aside to cater to their needs, which they believe are of the utmost importance and value.
You ARE worth it, so I urge you ladies to walk in your worth!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had a relationship with a narcissist? If so, did you learn to navigate around it or did you run for the hills? Do you think that once you know the characteristics of a narcissistic personality it is easier to spot going forward?
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I have been married to a narcissist for over 42 years. I did not realize what he was until about 6 years ago. I believed I was always the one at fault and that our marriage with the abuse was normal. When I woke up, I was devastated that the man I loved never loved me and I had lost myself completely in this process. I have chosen to remain with him due to some health issues he has and I still feel I have a responsibility to him. I have been in therapy and group therapy for 6 years as I learn to navigate this relationship and use distress tolerance to reduce my suffering. I am slowly making new connections and strengthening my self. This is a slow process and I have many ups and downs. I loved your idea of “IF” statements! I have found that boundaries do not work. I welcome any ideas for these challenges. So many people do not understand and keep telling me to leave.
Cheri, I’m so proud of you for seeking therapy once you discovered who you are married to! Most stay in victim mode and this is a choice they make. But you have taken a proactive stance, and, as you said, you will slowly make progress and make new connections. It takes time to find yourself again!
As you know, especially after 42 years, a narcissist takes your soul one diminishing act or comment at a time. Studies have shown that women who are with a narcissist are literally physically dying; their bodies start attacking them and they develop all sorts of health issues.
Yes, there are many ups and downs in the healing journey!! A narcissist makes you doubt everything about yourself so we need to be around people who will genuinely lift us up verbally and emotionally.
Some ideas you might want to explore:
Hope that helps!
I’m totally in love he has given me more than anyone, when he is loving & caring it is perfect. He’s an alcoholic & says abusive things. He has slapped me once I told him never again.never happened again.he cried & said blackout. He went to jail 3 days. Im a co dependant I’m sure he sensed that. Im 17 years older but he is up for the excitement I crave. Willing to do fun stuff. Sex is great. Massages great. He cooks, cleans, shops. Checked all the boxes. So loving but has ptsd & anger issues. Says im his best friend. He’s mine. My psychologist says he’s a narcissist run. But I love him. What do I do?
Michelle, it sounds like you’re trapped between loving and settling for much less than you’re worth. I’m not a therapist or counselor, but I fully hear what you’re saying. Your psychologist is onto something! It seems to boil down to choices.
You can CHOOSE to stay and endure the abuse, all the while your self-esteem is being shredded to ribbons one abusive word, action, and anger outburst at a time. Eventually you will have to live with the guilt and shame of not doing something to empower yourself sooner.
OR…you can CHOOSE to love YOURSELF and build a life of self-worth and self-reliance. Sometimes we can love someone else from a distance without letting them into our inner sanctum (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually).
What you’ve described sounds kind of like this: yeah, that lion is so furry and cuddly and only roars my ears off every once in awhile and has chomped off my limbs one at a time, but I love him because he purrs so nicely.
Honey, he’s still a lion and is dangerous to be around!!!
I hope you find the courage one day to see that you’re worth more than what you’re settling for.
Just my two cents.
I divorce my narcissistic husband However two of my three children
kids are also narcissistic. This has to be a genetic component b/c my third child was raised the same as the other two.It so hard to deal with this all my life just b/c I married wrong
I have a 35 year old son who I believe is a narcissit. I am trying to set boundaries BUT be distantly supportive. Watching the destruction his behavior has brought to people I care about (his step-children, a beautiful ex-daughter in law, amoung others) is heartbreaking. It’s so easy for me to question what I did as a mother to cause it. I physically feel my heart hurt sometimes and I feel a sense of embarassment when people ask about him. When I see is name pop up when the phone rings, I almost dread it. I am not proud of these feelings, but I know I am not alone after reading the comments of others. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
Thank you for this article. I have found it most useful, having been married to a narcissist for 40 years, and recently stepped away from the marriage. It has been very difficult to disengage, and it has been interesting to recognise and disentangle the threads whereby the narcissist exerted control and made himself appear superior at my expense, while he constantly demeaned me. I hadn’t heard the term but it certainly describes my soon to be ex-husband.
Deb, I applaud you for standing up for yourself in leaving. I’m a proponent of marriage and I celebrate it but when it’s so destructive that you lose who you are, then it’s time to fly the coop.
I love what you said about recognizing and disentangling the threads of control and superiority. That’s EXACTLY what they do; they MUST be top-dog all the time while devaluing those closest to them.
What I think is one of the most maddening aspects is the face they show others. To others they are a hero, they are most often charismatic and giving. Sometimes, you want to run down the street or through their office screaming, “He’s a fraud, he’s a fraud!” But no one would believe you even if you did.
You have begun a new life and there are a TON of GREAT adventures awaiting you! You have come alive without him and you will flourish and blossom!!