5 Not-So-Easy Ways to Navigate Around a Narcissist
Most of us have encountered a true narcissist sometime in our lives. If we admit it, we have come across multiple people with this challenging personality disorder at various times in our life. First off, I am not a professional therapist and cannot diagnose NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), and I think that many people throw around that word to describe selfish people when it is not truly NPD. I have also conducted a TON of research on the topic and can talk intelligently about it.
It is a challenging journey to navigate around a narcissist, yet it is a necessary step towards reclaiming your emotional autonomy. Let’s face it: those of us in our 60s and beyond have weathered the storms of relationships, whether married or single, and many of us have broken free from the grasp of a narcissist.
Of course, not everyone chooses to escape the grips of a narcissist for assorted reasons – some choose to stay and manage themselves within the confines of a narcissistic relationship. Most of the “reasons” I have heard center around needing insurance or other monetary security, or simply because they do not want to rock the boat or because they’d rather live with a narcissist than be alone.
This article unveils five proven – yet not-so-easy – ways to successfully navigate the challenges if you find yourself entangled with a narcissist.
#1: Use Self-Reflection and Awareness
Picture yourself as a quilt master, unraveling the subtle threads of manipulation and control woven into the fabric of your relationship with the narcissist. It is essential to scrutinize the intricate details of your interactions and reactions.
Inspect the back threads of why you react to their discounting and discarding. The major key in a relationship with any narcissist is not to react at all as that is rocket fuel for their soul. As you peel back the layers, a heightened awareness will emerge, providing the clarity needed to dismantle the narcissist’s influence.
#2: Set Boundaries
Narcissists do not like boundaries. However, they do respond to “IF statements.” For example, you can say, “If you choose to continue to ogle women, you’re telling me that you’re choosing to have me exit the room.” Or “If you choose to criticize everything I cook, then I will stop cooking for you.”
Imagine boundaries as a protective fortress surrounding your emotional landscape. Erecting this fortress involves not only understanding the limits of what you will tolerate but also fortifying them with assertive communication. You must choose to deny the narcissist access to the inner sanctums of your well-being.
#3: Cultivate Your Inner Strength
Think of inner strength as a blossoming garden within you, vibrant, colorful, and beautiful. Nurture this garden through acts of self-care and personal growth. Envision yourself tending to the delicate flowers of your passions and interests and not being consumed with pleasing the narcissist.
Hey, I know they retaliate when they do not get their way, but as you cultivate the soil of your inner strength, the roots of your resilience will deepen, anchoring you against the storms unleashed by the narcissist.
#4: Seek Professional Support
There is no shame in enlisting the help of a therapist to help guide you through the treacherous emotional waters of living with a narcissist. Since they devalue you in every area they can think of, you often find yourself thinking you are the one who is in error all the time, or that you are crazy or delusional because they cause you to doubt your own reality.
In fact, a narcissist will purposely place you in situations where they know you will fail as they find a sick pleasure in watching you fall short. They must be king/queen of the hill! They believe they are superior.
With this in mind, seeking and receiving expert guidance will guide you toward a safe emotional harbor as you share your experiences. Seeking professional support is not a sign of weakness but a courageous acknowledgment of your need for a compassionate ally on your journey to healing.
#5: Gradual Disengagement
Whether you choose to stay or flee, you can disengage emotionally from a narcissist. Visualize detachment as a delicate dance, a strategic choreography of steps leading away from the narcissist. Picture yourself gracefully disentangling from the emotional web, taking measured strides towards your personal freedom, gradually reclaiming control over your emotions and destiny.
One of the most dramatic ways to detach from a narcissist is to go no contact: block them from your phone, your social media accounts, and email. However, they know where you live and can find you if they want to.
Sometimes you can choose to simply not be available. You are busy… super busy… and cannot take time to engage with them. Or you could just tell them to buzz off… like forever, but just know that a narcissist will take that as a challenge because they think they will always have power over you.
As you embark on the odyssey of either navigating around a narcissist or completely removing yourself from their world, remember that each step is a victory in reclaiming your heart, your autonomy, and rediscovering the joys that you put aside to cater to their needs, which they believe are of the utmost importance and value.
You ARE worth it, so I urge you ladies to walk in your worth!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had a relationship with a narcissist? If so, did you learn to navigate around it or did you run for the hills? Do you think that once you know the characteristics of a narcissistic personality it is easier to spot going forward?
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My daughter in law is a narcissist (so it appears). I have always been close to my son and are finding whenever I visit them (to see my first grandbaby) or they visit me, she is ‘ok’ for 2 days. After that, she becomes moody, or silent, and is very difficult to be around. She will make a point to contradict me whenever I say something. She’ll literally/verbally comes after me to tell me I’m wrong about something I say. And usually she’s wrong, but I’ll back off as to not cause a scene. I was married to a professionally diagnosed narcissist for 30 years, so I’m extremely familiar with their traits and how they operate. She is trying to build a wedge between me and my son, (and grandson) which my son has told me he’s aware of. I don’t see them more than every 2 months, and I never push myself on them. I am not that kind of a mother in law. Never was and never will be. I have always been kindto her, welcoming her into the family, and letting her nasty comments go. But the last time they visited she got my other son to gang up against me and I was just done. I feel like boundaries have to be set, but don’t want to lose seeing my son and grandbaby. I don’t quite know what to do or how to ‘be’ with her when I do visit them. It’s like walking on eggshells constantly. This is my son’s second marriage, so he will work hard ot make it work. I feel for him and want him to be happy.
I would try to do some things just with your son and grandbaby if that is possible. The daughter in law doesn’t have to do everything with you and them. If you have to be with her just keep it positive.
Mo, that’s a tough situation and I totally understand not wanting to lose seeing your son and grandbaby. Sounds like your son is fully aware but he will need to set his own boundaries with his wife and communicate to her exactly how she’s allowed to navigate around his family.
I also empathize with your mother-in-law status. Even though you know you are doing your best to be theeee best mother-in-law around, your daughter-in-law may have preconceived notions (or been told by others) about the “evils” of mothers-in-law, which we both know is bogus most of the time.
My ex-mother-in-law used to wrap her old business clothes in Nordstrom boxes and give them to me as Christmas and birthday gifts – note that she was 5’10” and I am 5’3″. Laughable now but she was serious in her giving. I graciously received them and then gave them to Goodwill.
I pray that you will continue to be able to see your son and grandbaby, even on less than perfect terms.
A lot of people are narcissistic today. Our American society breeds them and it is getting worse. Many feel entitled to their narcissistic needs. They take no responsibility for their feelings and believe everyone else around them should including strangers.
It is an epidemic in our present state of being. Look at politics. Those people set examples of authority yet their actions garner little respect.
Several years ago, I remarried after being divorced for 8 years. He passed away very suddenly after less than 5 months. I was 63. About a year later, I was dating a narcissist, who was also bipolar(controlled with medication). We never discussed the fact that he was a narcissist, but that 9 month on and off relationship was an emotional roller coaster ride! I am now remarried again to a wonderful man, but know that my self esteem has probably been permanently damaged.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Lee Ann. You nailed it – being with a narcissist IS an emotional roller coaster ride! Very happy that you married a wonderful man and I believe your self-esteem is not permanently damaged. It can be repaired but it takes time and a lot of self-nurturing.
Interesting article.
Lots of books, blogs and videos about Narcissists, however most are about spouses and friends. I have an adult daughter who has 3 children, one 17, one in college and one a working young adult, still at home.
I have walked on egg shells for years. At first, not understanding what was going on with many of the situations, including estrangement. Our divorce never helped anything. Her father treated her like a princess. She lived with me so I was the disciplinarian.
I was the target of most of her bad actions and would question what was wrong with me.
Learning about NPD really helped me and I learned to maneuver better and even felt bad for her at times. However, I learned it never totally stops. Situations change over the years and I always have to be on guard. So sad.
I cannot divorce my daughter.
Almost identical to my situation. It helps not to feel alone in this. Thanks for sharing
I also, am in the same situation. Divorced after 32years. I walked away, the punishment for that has been overwhelming. He ended with the home, all assets, i received maintenence for two years and a small IRA that at 56 cost 30%in taxes and penaltys. HE took all my personal belongings including my clothing and trashed it.MY 2 daughters feel empathy toward him and will not see or talk to me. This includes my grandchildren. It has been 10 years and I do believe you live on with a smile however, behind that smile you feel guilt and shame, for leaving.
I’m so sorry, Allison, for what you’ve been through…it’s incredibly painful and uncomfortable to bear the backlash of a narcissist’s fury. They certainly know how to punish their targets. Sounds like your ex-husband might be a malignant narcissist as they’re the most vicious of all the types, but I’m not a therapist and can’t diagnose.
I know the guilt and shame are ever present but keep doing the work: read, educate yourself, get therapy if at all possible, and show yourself an abundance of care and nurturing. KNOW that it’s not your fault – it’s THEM, not you!!
Very happy for you, Joanna, that you’ve taken the time and care to learn about NPD. Often people don’t believe you when you share about narcissistic abuse because there are no physical scars but the internal scars can last for years. Walking on eggshells is a “normal” behavior when we’re around a narcissist as we never know what will set them off.
You’re correct in that most books are about spouses and friends so may I recommend a soon-to-be-released book by Dr. Ramani Durasula titled It’s Not You. Its entirely focused on the survivor!
The best “weapon” is to do exactly what you’ve done: learn about NPD! The more we know the more we can indeed maneuver successfully around the narcissist.