Leaving a Marriage After 60: How to Know When it’s Time to Let Go
Marriages, especially ones that have lasted for decades, take work. Every day will not be a honeymoon. Arguments, compromises, and sacrifices will no doubt be daily currency. While the give and take in a relationship is normal, there are instances when staying married is not a sustainable option.
- You Are in an Abusive Relationship
- You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
- You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
- You Feel Nothing Will Change for the better
- You Are Not Being True to Yourself
It can be terrifying to end a decades-long marriage and start over in your 50s, 60s, and 70s. For this reason, many older women stay with their partner, even if it is not in their own best interest.
But how do you know when it is time to leave your marriage, versus staying in it? Every woman’s situation is different, but if you are in any of the following situations, regardless of how long you have been married, it may be time to consider your options.
You Are in an Abusive Relationship
There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s when it comes to abuse. It is wrong, you do not deserve it, and you need to leave that situation as soon as you can.
For years, our culture has told us that running the household and making the marriage work is our duty. As a result, we put this enormous pressure on ourselves to keep the marriage intact, even if it is harmful or dangerous to us.
Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse, or the threat of abuse, you do not deserve it. There are resources out there to help you leave.
It does not matter how many years you have invested in a relationship. You may have even told yourself, “I may as well stay since I’ve already invested all this time and I’ll learn to cope.” But please, for your sake and for those who love you, do not stay. It’s time to realize you deserve to be safe and respected.
Physical and sexual abuse are easy to identify, but mental and emotional abuse can be more difficult. Gaslighting is a technique frequently used by abusive partners which undermines and makes you question your perception and understanding of reality.
The manipulation often begins slowly and goes unnoticed by yourself and others. Common behaviors include constant lying, deflecting or shifting blame, creating a codependent relationship, twisting conversations, and giving false hope.
Also, narcissists can create volatile environments and make you question your self-worth. They generally don’t have your best interest at heart and don’t really care when they hurt you. Narcissists typically don’t change as it is a personality trait (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking that they will change. Chances are they won’t.
Read THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN A DIVORCE.
You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
Anyone who is married for more than a few years understands that there will be ups and downs. However, if you are not being treated as an equal partner in the relationship, that’s a problem. If your wants and needs are ignored or mocked, that’s a problem. If you are being cheated on, that’s a problem.
These actions are symptoms of a larger problem. They show that your partner is not valuing you in the way that you should be valued. Never forget for a second that you are a queen and that you deserve to be with someone who will love you and respect you and treat you right.
If you find yourself continually justifying your partner’s disrespectful behavior, or, even more alarming, you have become numb to it, it might be time to reconsider the value of that marriage.
Read DIVORCE AND THE MARITAL HOME: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.
You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
If you justify, and continue to justify, everything over your own happiness and mental health, there is a problem. You, a woman over 50, are a part of a resilient group. Women of your generation demanded more for themselves. They broke out of what society told them they should be and how they should act.
You have made a lot of sacrifices along the way, especially when it came to balancing the demands of marriage, motherhood, and career. During those years, you probably had dreams of your own deferred.
It’s common for most women to have made that type of sacrifice. However, the red flag starts to wave if keeping your marriage together is at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. If you are continually discouraged from pursuing your own dreams and happiness, it’s time to consider if staying in the marriage has been a reason for that neglect.
Read 10 STRATEGIES TO EMPOWER YOU WHEN DEALING WITH A CONTENTIOUS DIVORCE.
You Feel Nothing Will Change for the Better
Perhaps you feel like nothing will change for the better, and your spouse is unwilling to try. If you are in one of the above situations, where you are mistreated and disrespected, it may be time to stop. This holds true if you continue to justify your spouse’s misbehavior towards you, or continue to prioritize everything over your own mental health and happiness.
You may have the opportunity to work things out with the help of a good counselor or other professional. These types of services can be a godsend for some, but there are times when it’s not a cure-all.
Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer individual and couples online therapy to help you go through this difficult period. You may want to talk with someone if you do choose to end the marriage. A therapist can help give you coping skills to navigate through your feelings and emotions.
It takes both partners to make a relationship work. Perhaps you do not want to leave and have done everything you can to try to make the relationship work. Yet if your spouse is still unwilling to work on it, he is sending you the message that you may not want to hear – you deserve better.
Ending a marriage is a messy and complicated process. It can be terrifying to take that leap – the one where you go from having a predictable but unhappy existence to one that is full of uncertainty and stress. But remember that there is a whole new chapter of your life that awaits you if you decide to do so.
Read OVER 50 AND READY TO LET GO OF UNMET EXPECTATIONS AFTER DIVORCE? HERE’S HOW TO TAKE ACTION!
Recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse and harm, that you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of how long you have been married is important.
Knowing that you deserve to have your own independence and happiness despite years of sacrificing for others, can be the motivation that gives you the courage to leave a relationship that is no longer healthy for you – even after age 50.
You Are Not Being True to Yourself
Do you find yourself easily agitated and frustrated most of the time? If you find that your personality changed over the years and you are mostly angry with your partner, then it’s possible that the environment has become toxic and it’s time to make a change. Sometimes the change means leaving the relationship.
Sometimes it’s neither abuse nor flagrant disrespect but little things that your partner does that annoy you and that are not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship. You have the right to be happy and to live in a nurturing environment that promotes your happiness and unique personality.
It used to be that women who left relationships in their 50’s and 60’s usually felt lonely, isolated, and stigmatized. Nowadays, more and more single women over 50 are living their absolute best lives – traveling, moving abroad, taking on new hobbies, starting businesses, and meeting new people. You can search Facebook groups, meetups, travel websites, and social events that gather older women together to do activities.
Read UNEXPECTED FRIENDSHIPS ARE EVERYWHERE, WAITING TO BE FOUND.
Also, KEEPING SCORE IS FOR GAMES AND SPORTS NOT RELATIONSHIPS
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Has your marriage ended? How did you know it was time to leave? What advice would you give other women who are struggling with the decision to stay or go? Let’s have a conversation and support each other!
Tags Divorce After 60
Not sure I should leave but he is so self centred. Only cares about himself. Plays golf four days a week on his phone all the time.
Leave. You can find what you’ve got anywhere. You’re alone even when he’s there. Get out. Great things await you & all of us in this position.
My husband can’t have a calm, rational conversation with me. If he doesn’t like or agree with what I sat he starts yelling and screaming
Hi
I’ve been married to my husband for 35 years and now I’m leaving him.
25 years ago he had an affair with a lady at work. We had 3 young children so for the sake of my family I excepted his apology and forgave, trying to keep our lives as normal as possible. He blamed the affair on all the stress at work and home as we spent a lot of time renovating our property.
We managed to survive the years ahead, even having child no 4, but then he got involved in watching porn on his phone. I knew this was the case as he spent long periods of time in the bathroom. I didn’t really mind but had concerns on the effects it would have on our marriage long term. I done my research and had many conversations about how addictive this could be and what damage it could do to our future. He used to laugh it off and say he would stop, which he did for a while and then go back and continue watching. I had to put up with him flirting with other woman in front of me and putting me down. I always laughed it off, but deep down it hurt. He knew my love for him was strong and that I could take it.
Last September I found messages on his iPad, he was texting a young girl who used to work in our shop. This upset and annoyed me, but once again i forgave and moved on.
March this year more texts dating back to last June, arrangements to visit massage parlours with happy endings. When I confronted him he confessed he had visited 3 times over a period of a few months. Topless woman, massage and happy endings. From that moment I knew boundaries had been crossed.
My world once again had fallen apart.
How can I do this all over again?, years building a trust up.
But not this time! Something changed , something left my body, the love and respect for my husband.
After 35 years of married life I know if I forgive, time will pass until the next time. It’s time to move on and start a new chapter.
Yes… Get out from under it. I too have been thru this kind of garbage. Chances are what you’ve discovered is only a portion of what’s been taking place behind your back & under your nose & I blame the women who know these are married men with families. This gal from his office is a perfect example…
This behavior is absolutely disgusting. Not only is he disrespecting you & disconnected from you but, he’s allowing this woman too disrespect you as well.
If you’re too much for him then yes, get your ass out of there & let him seek less because he’s proved he’s way beneath you, all on his own without your help.
His far too busy dumpster diving too put you first where you deserve too be. But, there is someone out there who will.
Hi. I’m 62z second marriage 12 years. I knew from year one it wasn’t going to be easy. He’s not horrible in any way but we are ill matched. He lives in my house and gives me money for bills etc and that’s why I’m scared to separate. I am not particularly qualified to get a good wage job but I am willing to do anything to survive. I could rent out bedrooms.
I don’t have a lot of friends and my son is busy with his own family. He doesn’t know any of this cos he’ll be disappointed in me. I’m at the lowest point with this. Is this it for me for the rest of my life. I’ve spoken to him and he says it suits him to stay. He likes living with me and likes the area. He still wears a wedding ring. I don’t. Dreadful situation for us all. 🫣
Been married to my husband for 20yrs next week and together for 28yrs. I have always just gone along with what he wants. He is a caring loving person and I know he loves me so much but we don’t talk, don’t share activities or hobbies, don’t go anywhere, sex has only ever been for his gratification, he has never considered my satisfaction except in the very early days and due to my being previously sexually abused uses that excuse to not bother touching me or pleasuring me at all. Sex is for his pleasure only and always has been even when I’ve talked to him and asked him to touch me etc. It hasn’t happened. He is quite happy now retired to just sit and play games on his iPad, all day every day. He hugs me and gives me a peck on the lips but that’s all the contact we have. He agrees we have no passion in our marriage at all. We no longer have sex now. He makes all the decisions and acts like he supports me if I say I’d like to do something but then usually convinces me I don’t really want to do that. I want more for my life than this. After serious life threatening illness I am not happy to have the rest of my life be like this. We care for my Father now who is elderly and refusing to care for himself. My Father is very controlling of me and can be really mentally abusive, manipulative and nasty to me. My husband and Father will ignore me if I speak, even start speaking over the top of me. Not once in our marriage has my husband ever stood up for me in any situation. I even get the eye rolls if I get upset. He doesn’t like anything to disturb the peace. I just can’t take it anymore but I’m so scared to leave. Scared of being alone, having no money and nowhere to go. I also worry about breaking my husbands heart leaving him. I love him but I need so much more from life. I want to be valued, attracted to someone, be included, feel worthwhile, appreciated, loved.
I have decided I want to leave but im so scared to actually do it and have no clue where to go or how to get the $ to leave.