Leaving a Marriage After 60: How to Know When it’s Time to Let Go
Marriages, especially ones that have lasted for decades, take work. Every day will not be a honeymoon. Arguments, compromises, and sacrifices will no doubt be daily currency. While the give and take in a relationship is normal, there are instances when staying married is not a sustainable option.
- You Are in an Abusive Relationship
- You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
- You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
- You Feel Nothing Will Change for the better
- You Are Not Being True to Yourself
It can be terrifying to end a decades-long marriage and start over in your 50s, 60s, and 70s. For this reason, many older women stay with their partner, even if it is not in their own best interest.
But how do you know when it is time to leave your marriage, versus staying in it? Every woman’s situation is different, but if you are in any of the following situations, regardless of how long you have been married, it may be time to consider your options.
You Are in an Abusive Relationship
There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s when it comes to abuse. It is wrong, you do not deserve it, and you need to leave that situation as soon as you can.
For years, our culture has told us that running the household and making the marriage work is our duty. As a result, we put this enormous pressure on ourselves to keep the marriage intact, even if it is harmful or dangerous to us.
Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse, or the threat of abuse, you do not deserve it. There are resources out there to help you leave.
It does not matter how many years you have invested in a relationship. You may have even told yourself, “I may as well stay since I’ve already invested all this time and I’ll learn to cope.” But please, for your sake and for those who love you, do not stay. It’s time to realize you deserve to be safe and respected.
Physical and sexual abuse are easy to identify, but mental and emotional abuse can be more difficult. Gaslighting is a technique frequently used by abusive partners which undermines and makes you question your perception and understanding of reality.
The manipulation often begins slowly and goes unnoticed by yourself and others. Common behaviors include constant lying, deflecting or shifting blame, creating a codependent relationship, twisting conversations, and giving false hope.
Also, narcissists can create volatile environments and make you question your self-worth. They generally don’t have your best interest at heart and don’t really care when they hurt you. Narcissists typically don’t change as it is a personality trait (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking that they will change. Chances are they won’t.
Read THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN A DIVORCE.
You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
Anyone who is married for more than a few years understands that there will be ups and downs. However, if you are not being treated as an equal partner in the relationship, that’s a problem. If your wants and needs are ignored or mocked, that’s a problem. If you are being cheated on, that’s a problem.
These actions are symptoms of a larger problem. They show that your partner is not valuing you in the way that you should be valued. Never forget for a second that you are a queen and that you deserve to be with someone who will love you and respect you and treat you right.
If you find yourself continually justifying your partner’s disrespectful behavior, or, even more alarming, you have become numb to it, it might be time to reconsider the value of that marriage.
Read DIVORCE AND THE MARITAL HOME: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.
You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
If you justify, and continue to justify, everything over your own happiness and mental health, there is a problem. You, a woman over 50, are a part of a resilient group. Women of your generation demanded more for themselves. They broke out of what society told them they should be and how they should act.
You have made a lot of sacrifices along the way, especially when it came to balancing the demands of marriage, motherhood, and career. During those years, you probably had dreams of your own deferred.
It’s common for most women to have made that type of sacrifice. However, the red flag starts to wave if keeping your marriage together is at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. If you are continually discouraged from pursuing your own dreams and happiness, it’s time to consider if staying in the marriage has been a reason for that neglect.
Read 10 STRATEGIES TO EMPOWER YOU WHEN DEALING WITH A CONTENTIOUS DIVORCE.
You Feel Nothing Will Change for the Better
Perhaps you feel like nothing will change for the better, and your spouse is unwilling to try. If you are in one of the above situations, where you are mistreated and disrespected, it may be time to stop. This holds true if you continue to justify your spouse’s misbehavior towards you, or continue to prioritize everything over your own mental health and happiness.
You may have the opportunity to work things out with the help of a good counselor or other professional. These types of services can be a godsend for some, but there are times when it’s not a cure-all.
Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer individual and couples online therapy to help you go through this difficult period. You may want to talk with someone if you do choose to end the marriage. A therapist can help give you coping skills to navigate through your feelings and emotions.
It takes both partners to make a relationship work. Perhaps you do not want to leave and have done everything you can to try to make the relationship work. Yet if your spouse is still unwilling to work on it, he is sending you the message that you may not want to hear – you deserve better.
Ending a marriage is a messy and complicated process. It can be terrifying to take that leap – the one where you go from having a predictable but unhappy existence to one that is full of uncertainty and stress. But remember that there is a whole new chapter of your life that awaits you if you decide to do so.
Read OVER 50 AND READY TO LET GO OF UNMET EXPECTATIONS AFTER DIVORCE? HERE’S HOW TO TAKE ACTION!
Recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse and harm, that you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of how long you have been married is important.
Knowing that you deserve to have your own independence and happiness despite years of sacrificing for others, can be the motivation that gives you the courage to leave a relationship that is no longer healthy for you – even after age 50.
You Are Not Being True to Yourself
Do you find yourself easily agitated and frustrated most of the time? If you find that your personality changed over the years and you are mostly angry with your partner, then it’s possible that the environment has become toxic and it’s time to make a change. Sometimes the change means leaving the relationship.
Sometimes it’s neither abuse nor flagrant disrespect but little things that your partner does that annoy you and that are not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship. You have the right to be happy and to live in a nurturing environment that promotes your happiness and unique personality.
It used to be that women who left relationships in their 50’s and 60’s usually felt lonely, isolated, and stigmatized. Nowadays, more and more single women over 50 are living their absolute best lives – traveling, moving abroad, taking on new hobbies, starting businesses, and meeting new people. You can search Facebook groups, meetups, travel websites, and social events that gather older women together to do activities.
Read UNEXPECTED FRIENDSHIPS ARE EVERYWHERE, WAITING TO BE FOUND.
Also, KEEPING SCORE IS FOR GAMES AND SPORTS NOT RELATIONSHIPS
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Has your marriage ended? How did you know it was time to leave? What advice would you give other women who are struggling with the decision to stay or go? Let’s have a conversation and support each other!
Tags Divorce After 60
Married 48 years. Two adult children and two granddaughters. I changed over the years and husband didn’t. I believed living too close to our adult children, as we did, was not healthy for “our” relationship. The children were too involved with our life. My husband confided in them rather than me, his wife. I felt my husband and my adult children didn’t respect me. My husband refused to move off the farm and rebuild the intimacy and companionship we once enjoyed prior to working hard and raising children. I said I was leaving and he didn’t plead with me to stay, but said “leave so we can get our lives back to normal.” I have an apartment, living on my own for the first time is n my life. I have a part time job, that gets me among the public. I don’t regret leaving. It was the right thing to do, for my health and happiness. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I see a therapist and am in treatment for PSTD. I divorced in July 2022.
My family has disowned me.
I should have divorced when I was still in my twenties. My advice to all women is, leave if you are not happy, asap!
Hi Beverly
Reading your comment has made me feel that I can do this, leaving my husband of 35 years. I lay in bed night after night with my heart pounding and stomach turning at the thought of going it alone.
You sound so happy now and you obviously have made the best decision of your life.
Good luck to you
Julie
Left my husband of 42 years this month. He didnt hit me or cheat on me, worked that same job 40 years, but … never remembered my birthday, said Im not his mother on mother’s day, didnt care about family gatherings, didnt ever want to go ANYWHERE, never a compliment, never helped with yardwork or kids school stuff, and finally, the last straw, became a nightly and weekend drunk. One of those slurry and grabby kinds. I feel nothing about leaving, except slight pity. I moved in with my 87-yo mom (she needed help anyway). I actually think what I feel may be called …. happy!!
Got married at 21, husband made redundant then refused to work,so I had to work long hours to pay bills and support us both.Just used to prepare ready made evening meal.
Wanted to work on mail,got the job then refused to go after 5 days as too exhausting for him.
This went on for years.
We had 1 child, I had to work full time after whilst he looked after child but resented his freedom gone.
I got very stressed working ,looking after child when not at work,doing all house jobs and shopping as he couldn’t pass driving exam.
Eventually diagnosed with Conns disease brought on by excessive chronic stress.
Now am seriously ill, no empathy from him whatsoever and struggling to cope.
Wish I’d ended this marriage decades ago.
Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was. I can’t tell you enough to leave. Crons disease should have been & be your flag.
You’ll wind up on a colostomy bag. Love yourself enough too leave. I’m sure your daughter is grown by now. I’m sorry there is no growing old together happily for some of us & after everything that this dare I say asshole had done & put you thru you wouldn’t want too grow any older with him anyway.
I’m married 50+ years but the last 5 have been awful. My husband and I now live with silent civility. Every attempt at conversation ends with tears and frustration. I speak when asked but never offer an opinion, ask for help, make small talk. He seems to be ok with it. I only leave the house when I have no other choice. I cry every day. I’m ready to walk away from everything but I have no money or place to go. I’d like to just disappear. I’m pretty much the problem. I know that. I’ve tried to change but no change seems to fix things. I love my husband! He loves me!!!! I guess I’m no longer looking for a fix, just how to go, and where. I’ve got nowhere to get help. Too rich to be poor, not poor enough to get the counseling I need. 72 years old. The time to enjoy our lives is running out. Actually I am miserably resigned to the fact that this is it. The good is behind me so now. I have no hope for better. Guess that says it all. I’m not really hoping for help. I just needed someplace to vent. Thanks…mw
Please stop blaming yourself for everything. It takes the two of you too own up to your part in it all & from the way it sounds he’s not having any of that.
You aren’t responsible for the collapse of your marriage even know he’s done a good job of making you think you are. That’s just not true. You should be spending these years surrounded by people who truly love & value you. I don’t know if he’s succeeded in isolating you from everyone. But, you both need counseling, not just you. It’s convenient too blame it all on somebody else however, he’s way past that age & he knows damn well what he’s doing & if he really loved you then he too would be working on himself & with you on getting things right. That’s reality. I would contact a lawyer & get a free consultation so, you know exactly where you stand & what you’re entitled too & go from there. It sounds like there’s a division of property & money in your future. Don’t stay where you aren’t wanted or loved.
I’m 67 and been dating the same man for 13 years. I own a home, a vacation home and a nice Motorhome. He owns nothing but is always generous with his money etc. he would never cheat on me and treats me fairly well. Problem is: he watches TV from early morning til late at night. He has stopped helping around the house, the yards and doesn’t take care of the motorhome. He rarely goes to the vacation home. He is soooo addicted to TV it’s weird. Several times we have talked about it and he says he’ll do better but it lasts for 2 weeks and goes right back to where we were. I hate the thought of being alone at my age but I’m to the point I’m so angry and resentful I’m miserable.