Leaving a Marriage After 60: How to Know When it’s Time to Let Go
Marriages, especially ones that have lasted for decades, take work. Every day will not be a honeymoon. Arguments, compromises, and sacrifices will no doubt be daily currency. While the give and take in a relationship is normal, there are instances when staying married is not a sustainable option.
- You Are in an Abusive Relationship
- You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
- You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
- You Feel Nothing Will Change for the better
- You Are Not Being True to Yourself
It can be terrifying to end a decades-long marriage and start over in your 50s, 60s, and 70s. For this reason, many older women stay with their partner, even if it is not in their own best interest.
But how do you know when it is time to leave your marriage, versus staying in it? Every woman’s situation is different, but if you are in any of the following situations, regardless of how long you have been married, it may be time to consider your options.
You Are in an Abusive Relationship
There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s when it comes to abuse. It is wrong, you do not deserve it, and you need to leave that situation as soon as you can.
For years, our culture has told us that running the household and making the marriage work is our duty. As a result, we put this enormous pressure on ourselves to keep the marriage intact, even if it is harmful or dangerous to us.
Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse, or the threat of abuse, you do not deserve it. There are resources out there to help you leave.
It does not matter how many years you have invested in a relationship. You may have even told yourself, “I may as well stay since I’ve already invested all this time and I’ll learn to cope.” But please, for your sake and for those who love you, do not stay. It’s time to realize you deserve to be safe and respected.
Physical and sexual abuse are easy to identify, but mental and emotional abuse can be more difficult. Gaslighting is a technique frequently used by abusive partners which undermines and makes you question your perception and understanding of reality.
The manipulation often begins slowly and goes unnoticed by yourself and others. Common behaviors include constant lying, deflecting or shifting blame, creating a codependent relationship, twisting conversations, and giving false hope.
Also, narcissists can create volatile environments and make you question your self-worth. They generally don’t have your best interest at heart and don’t really care when they hurt you. Narcissists typically don’t change as it is a personality trait (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking that they will change. Chances are they won’t.
Read THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN A DIVORCE.
You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
Anyone who is married for more than a few years understands that there will be ups and downs. However, if you are not being treated as an equal partner in the relationship, that’s a problem. If your wants and needs are ignored or mocked, that’s a problem. If you are being cheated on, that’s a problem.
These actions are symptoms of a larger problem. They show that your partner is not valuing you in the way that you should be valued. Never forget for a second that you are a queen and that you deserve to be with someone who will love you and respect you and treat you right.
If you find yourself continually justifying your partner’s disrespectful behavior, or, even more alarming, you have become numb to it, it might be time to reconsider the value of that marriage.
Read DIVORCE AND THE MARITAL HOME: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.
You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
If you justify, and continue to justify, everything over your own happiness and mental health, there is a problem. You, a woman over 50, are a part of a resilient group. Women of your generation demanded more for themselves. They broke out of what society told them they should be and how they should act.
You have made a lot of sacrifices along the way, especially when it came to balancing the demands of marriage, motherhood, and career. During those years, you probably had dreams of your own deferred.
It’s common for most women to have made that type of sacrifice. However, the red flag starts to wave if keeping your marriage together is at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. If you are continually discouraged from pursuing your own dreams and happiness, it’s time to consider if staying in the marriage has been a reason for that neglect.
Read 10 STRATEGIES TO EMPOWER YOU WHEN DEALING WITH A CONTENTIOUS DIVORCE.
You Feel Nothing Will Change for the Better
Perhaps you feel like nothing will change for the better, and your spouse is unwilling to try. If you are in one of the above situations, where you are mistreated and disrespected, it may be time to stop. This holds true if you continue to justify your spouse’s misbehavior towards you, or continue to prioritize everything over your own mental health and happiness.
You may have the opportunity to work things out with the help of a good counselor or other professional. These types of services can be a godsend for some, but there are times when it’s not a cure-all.
Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer individual and couples online therapy to help you go through this difficult period. You may want to talk with someone if you do choose to end the marriage. A therapist can help give you coping skills to navigate through your feelings and emotions.
It takes both partners to make a relationship work. Perhaps you do not want to leave and have done everything you can to try to make the relationship work. Yet if your spouse is still unwilling to work on it, he is sending you the message that you may not want to hear – you deserve better.
Ending a marriage is a messy and complicated process. It can be terrifying to take that leap – the one where you go from having a predictable but unhappy existence to one that is full of uncertainty and stress. But remember that there is a whole new chapter of your life that awaits you if you decide to do so.
Read OVER 50 AND READY TO LET GO OF UNMET EXPECTATIONS AFTER DIVORCE? HERE’S HOW TO TAKE ACTION!
Recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse and harm, that you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of how long you have been married is important.
Knowing that you deserve to have your own independence and happiness despite years of sacrificing for others, can be the motivation that gives you the courage to leave a relationship that is no longer healthy for you – even after age 50.
You Are Not Being True to Yourself
Do you find yourself easily agitated and frustrated most of the time? If you find that your personality changed over the years and you are mostly angry with your partner, then it’s possible that the environment has become toxic and it’s time to make a change. Sometimes the change means leaving the relationship.
Sometimes it’s neither abuse nor flagrant disrespect but little things that your partner does that annoy you and that are not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship. You have the right to be happy and to live in a nurturing environment that promotes your happiness and unique personality.
It used to be that women who left relationships in their 50’s and 60’s usually felt lonely, isolated, and stigmatized. Nowadays, more and more single women over 50 are living their absolute best lives – traveling, moving abroad, taking on new hobbies, starting businesses, and meeting new people. You can search Facebook groups, meetups, travel websites, and social events that gather older women together to do activities.
Read UNEXPECTED FRIENDSHIPS ARE EVERYWHERE, WAITING TO BE FOUND.
Also, KEEPING SCORE IS FOR GAMES AND SPORTS NOT RELATIONSHIPS
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Has your marriage ended? How did you know it was time to leave? What advice would you give other women who are struggling with the decision to stay or go? Let’s have a conversation and support each other!
Tags Divorce After 60
I want to leave he is 54 and has been online texting a 28 year old for months and admitted that he has met her out a few times *but nothing happened. I pay most of the bills we have been together for 34 years and married for 29. But I have never been alone and I am scared. I am overweight and even been told I should just get over it — It is better to have a partner even if he has a temper and is not supportive. All of our money is co-mingled and it would be messy to try to separate we would have to sell the house and start over. But I really just don’t get anything out of this relationship. He is never there for me, does not share any of my interest, is not there for the kids and is probably the most selfish person in the world (I have not met everyone in the world but of everyone I have he wins). I just seem to freeze every time I get close to taking the step to leave and don’t know how to move to the exit.
very similar situation except for the fact that I always had my own money and he never did so there was nothing really to intermingle so that part was easy for me but the insecurity the fear of starting over can be just as maddening as waking up angry every day the second you see his face or feeling so alone when he’s a foot away from you.. even after eight months I thought I would be blissfully happy once he was gone but some days are just incredibly hard and I do sometimes wish that I did just have the body in the house but then I remember if I wanted to live like that again and I don’t I really and truly don’t. you will make it! some days will be easier than others but they’ll all be better than what you have right now I promise .
I am 62 and ready to leave. I want to go live in a different place, I do know where I want to go. I just am looking for resources such as a place to go. I need to find a job. And a decent place and have to start from scratch since I can’t take anything besides my clothes. I don’t know why I stay, my husband is not abusive but there are some things about him that probably are. All I know is that I am miserable and feel done.
This Is me. I just turned 59 on Monday, January 30th. I have been married to a man with full blown NPD for 27 years. I also have a sick narcissistic family that I went no contact with 9 years ago. That’s another story for another time.
I have tried to leave him in the past. 3 or 4 times. Told him I wanted a divorce three times in the last six months. Found an attorney paid part of my retainer, then he always sucked me back in. I have been so afraid. Afraid I’ if I’ll make it, afraid I will miss him too much, afraid of what everyone will say about me (you girls, I’m sure, understand that EVERYONE, friends, YOUR family, everyone believes he is to good for you. They think he does no wrong and you are crazy and you should be happy he’s with you), afraid of what he will really do when I REALLY leave and don’t come back. My husband has promised that if I truly want a divorce he won’t get in the way and won’t fight me and he’ll make sure I get everything I’m entitled to. Of course, it’ll break his heart and he does not want this. But that has been said all the times he’s talked me back. I don’t know what he will really do when I tell him it’s really over.
Now I’m just PISSED! This last episode of rage and irrationality has just done me in. I don’t care if he’s hurt. He’s hurt me for 27 years. I don’t care what he wants, he’s NEVER cared what I want or need. I don’t give a damn how mad he’s going to be to have to give me half of that 401k he’s got with his job. I put in my part because of him. Honestly, the only thing I care about is he keeps paying the car note for my new infinity! Lol!! Now that I KNOW i have made my decision EVERYTHING he does I see and makes me nauseous! How did I never see the little every minute manipulations! I’m so angry I allowed myself to stay with this twisted monster. I’m now almost 60. What do you do with yourself at 60 after 27 years of horrible, disgusting treatment. It does feel like it’s futile at my age. But that doesn’t matter now. I am so DONE! I don’t care about any of that stuff anymore. Now I’m getting SO EXCITED for my new life!! I don’t care if it’s only for 5 years and I kick the bucket. I’m going out happy, joyous and FREE! I’ve been looking at apartments, furniture, everything. Right now I’m having to play pretend until I get everything in line. This is REALLY hard because he thinks I’ve just swept his last attack under the rug and it’s all fine now. Just like every other time before. But I can’t stand being around him. Honestly I cringe when he gets home. I don’t know if I can hold out because now I’m not at all afraid. Now I just want him out of my life for good.
And that’s my introduction. Sorry for the length. I’m so excited I found this site!!
I feel the same I can’t wait to get away,I look at him and I hate him ,
not fair on him really even though he’s treated me like his housekeeper and never lifted a finger to help me with children or housework etc,
he’s what you might call a chauvinistic pig.
and I don’t want to clean up after him and cook everything he wants anymore,
just want to be me watch what I want on tv eat what I want go where I want I so want that
Hi everyone. I feel all of your pain. At 61 years old I left my husband just before Christmas 2022. I know how scary it is to go, but I’d just had enough of the disrespect, lack of empathy, humiliation and mental abuse. I stayed for my son who is now 16. He told me in November last year that sometimes you just have to be selfish. He knew I wasn’t happy and thank goodness understood. It was then I decided to leave. I told my husband I was going and he said “whatever”! Within 2 weeks I had found myself and my son a lovely place to stay and left. I left behind a few things that meant a lot to me, but things don’t bring happiness. My husband was totally shocked as he thought I couldn’t manage without him, but it turns out all he wanted me for was to pay the majority of the household bills. He actually said to me “how can you leave me with all the bills”? I like to think that I am a very strong woman, but his behaviour has put me off ever having another serious relationship, in fact the very thought makes me feel sick! I know that I will never live with another man as long as I live. I do my own thing, at my own pace, with who I want and when I want. It was the best decision I ever made, I’m just angry with myself because it took 10 years!
that’s the hardest part I have is to stop being angry at myself for investing over 30 years when I knew in the beginning when I was young and cute that this was a lost cause but I am now getting help to truly understand my worth so I never allow this to ever happen again and to learn that I am truly worthy of what a good man should be if there any still left by the time i actually want one lol
Yes, you got this girl! I’m rooting for you because you’re story sounds so much like mine and you’ve inspired me to at least put some thoughts back into serious consideration again.
My biggest regret is that i didn’t do this years ago and saved my children from the mental and emotional torment he put them through. I to it in myself but NEVER let him vett away with it when if came to my kids. I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life with him. But I’m determined to get out now! Thank you do much for the inspiring words. YOU get this girl, too! Please don’t wait as long as I did. God only knows what I could been without his negative effect on me.
the could of’s, should of’s, would of’s are killers! I have to make a real effort daily not to dwell on them
How is going Cheryle. Just curious. I am in very similar circumstances and cannot seem to pull the plug for good although I’m getting closer. I constantly back out because of fear of the smear campaign and disbelief I am going to experience when I divorce my perfect husband (a/k/a quintessential covert narcissist). I know I shouldn’t care, but it is difficult. Thoughts of that process keep me paralyzed. I justify staying in the “not so terrible” marriage. He’s curbed some of his behavior when finally set my boundaries but at the end of the day, you’re still married to the same person on the inside. And time marches on and you think…what’s the point now. I’m getting too old to leave. We always do what we think is right for everyone else (our kids, our families, even the NPD person). Is alone and taking a chance later in life better than a mediocre existence that you know? Wish I had that crystal ball….
Wow. I could have written your post myself Charlotte. 55 years old, married for 26 years to a classic covert NPD that everyone thinks walks on water. He is “charming” (a/k/a red flag), manipulates everyone, and extremely good at guarding his perfect public image. If I leave him, I cannot be divorced and both of us continue to live in the town we have lived in for 20+ years. It will be miserable for me, but I have friends here and it seems so unfair to have to upend my life. He has curbed a lot of the bad behavior as well but in the end, they don’t change inside. So I stay in the “not so terrible” marriage as well. My fear is that I leave him, take a huge financial hit (I’m the primary breadwinner by far), lose a lot of friends and what is an otherwise good life with no guarantee that I’ll be happier. Yes, I won’t have the daily reminders of the mistake I made 25+ years ago, and that would be nice, but all things considered, will I be happier? I’d gain some and I’d lose some. So I stay and time marches on.
I always say the same thing…wish I had a crystal ball. At some point, it will just be too late. I keep hoping for divine intervention but that’s not going to happen! I’ve made a very good life for myself with friends, work, and family, so I’m generally happy and make it work. I’ve also discovered over the years as my women friends start to let their guard down, that I live among a lot of very unhappily married women, most of whom are not married to narcissists. Yet they stay too. I’ve come to the conclusion that except in rare instances (and I am so envious of those), most people are not meant to live 50+ years with the same person they chose when they were a young and uninformed 20+ year old. I don’t know what the answer is. All I can say is that as long as you are in the marriage, take care of yourself, don’t get sucked in to his dysfunctional behavior, and make yourself happy in other ways.
you go girl, you got this!! i’ve been there I know exactly the feeling but was taken aback and pissed off that I still miss this son of a bitch very once in awhile but I would never go back I just remind myself of all the reasons why I wanted out and that he would never ever change and I had 35 years under my belt to prove it so good luck to the next little miss that he’s with cause she’s gonna need it lol
I’m nearly 57 and 23 years into this relationship/marriage. Children have left home and each has a young child, one in Spain and one close by in the U.K. After a “breakdown” which landed me in hospital for a week a year ago with loss of consciousness for many days leading up (where I don’t remember any days, yet going about my business – albeit rather dangerously when cooking) and hallucinating in hospital. A barrage of tests show no reason for this. My husband was very supportive but has no imagination whatsoever. I’ve lost my confidence since then and want to retire early, which would mean moving to Spain to be able to afford it. We have a house there, which I bought (every cent leveraged) when I went through menopause and was desperate for help but it took ages for the GP to give me HRT, after which I realised how stupid it was. There are only 50 people in the village where this house is and their spanish is rapid and, due to nasty tenants (one of whom I had to evict) the locals don’t like us, so it’s not an easy choice and I currently have it on the market. I’ve pleaded with my husband for us to consider our options and how we would spend our time if we retired in U.K. or Spain (no matter what age). He literally cannot think of anything to do on an average day, let alone a significantly reduced budget except “go out” (though he doesn’t know what that would look like), and given every single weekend, he does nothing but play computer games from start to finish, my view of retirement with him is not a happy picture. I go to Spain 4 times a year, and get involved in the local spanish and wider European communities. That, and you can have a day out on €5, just having coffee and tapas at bars, people-watching and always bumping into friends and people who become friends. But, if I blow this whole thing up now, I’d have to move to Spain and that would really upset my son who lives nearby with his 2 month old son. In the meantime, my first husband dropped dead of a huge stroke at 52 and my brother died last month from a massive heart attack aged 62 – and I’m questioning my choices about living life for “me”.
My husband claims he loves me but I don’t believe he does. Yesterday was our 50th wedding anniversary and I didn’t get a card, flowers or anything else.
We no longer have a sexual relationship therefore no affection by him whatsoever. I’ve talked to him about this until I’m blue in the face and although he says he’ll change he never does.
I still love my husband but I’m not in love with him.
I’ve been with him since the age of seventeen and am emotionally dependent on him as I have bipolar disorder (been stable for years) but I feel like I can’t be on my own.
I’m not sure what to do. I have many interests and at least I would have things to do.
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Minnie
Same here, I did get a bunch of flowers be it a day late, and I kicked off, as I had bought him something, we talk but go round in circles, promises he,ll make more of a effort,,he do help around the house, but if any think need sorting such as bills, workmen etc, it’s left to me, if we need to buy anything for house, his wallet is locked in his coat., I suffer with extreme anxiety and stress, mainly due to him, I don’t have money to leave him, and I have never been on my own, so not sure I would cope, hope you and me get through this.