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How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

By Kim Brassor May 07, 2023 Family

I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children

What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What Is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children. 

Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Linda

I love of course my two adult kids 33and 28 one the younger on boy has never left home.. my husband had moved him self In tiredly in the basement and leaves me on the upper level to rein side… I Love them both but neither one wants to help with anything house hold chores or help w anything bill for living at home. I have asked over and time again please chip in at least with the cable.. $50.bucks a month… and pat $. 100. Each got there phone bill ..they do that.
my husband stopped working when he was 21shortly after I met him I became pay with our first child .. me 26going on 27… what was I thinking … I was flattered by his youthfulness’s and promises of love and taking care of me to my just buys did I know that he was an alcoholic no so anyways everything fell on me always I worked three jobs took care of the home host her all the events did the best that I can dogs if they’re adults it’s falling on me, so no I want to shut down. No one wants to move out. He blames me for being here I’m depressed for Boces Social Security disability, because here his back when he was like 22, and I don’t know what I did for mine had a neck injury arms because I’ve always been a cleaner, and here we are , any advice I would appreciate it and God bless all of you that are struggling with love in this issue. Sincerely, Linda.

Debbie

I can’t do this anymore. It’s like setting yourself up for a flap in the face. Yes I want to divorce this adult child whom never liked me or herself. She’s in her 30s. She says I dint listen to her. I would have to be a mind reader. She doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. We dint argue. I think she is jealous because her sister can like everyone. I want out of the title mother. Just because I am her mother, I am some horrible person. If I wasn’t her mother, what would she called it?

Nanci

I watched the video at the most timely moment – just after receiving an icy e-mail from my eldest daughter. All I can think to write at the moment is I guess we will never have mediation therapy as long as there isn’t mutual accountability. I’m a very sick woman, untreatably ill. Right after I read the e-mail I responded then deleted. I cried then stopped. I told myself, “well, I’m going to die without meeting her demands and she’ll be angry about this too”. It made me laugh a little to think of it. I’ve got to quit trying as it’s damaging my health further to be where I am with my 2 “girls”, the loves of my life, now hitting 40.

I believe this site will help me a great deal.

Sarah Evans

Hi, I am a mother of five children. We lost our oldest son two years ago. To ad to the grieving process I am also feeling dis-connected from my other kids. They are all adults and living on their own. Recently, one of my sons said I was causing trauma by trying to be my kid’s friends. This has caused a rift between us. I’m giving him space but feel deeply hurt. Our daughter said that kids don’t owe their parents anything which I found very upsetting. I don’t want them to feel the need to owe me anything. I do everything I do from love. I’ve had to be honest with myself and make sure I’m not giving in order to get something. I feel like my family has fractured.

Lisa

Would love this article posted on facebook..its very true.. 3yrs my daughter has basically had nothing to do with me.. not the first time and has just turned 22.. not a good outcome but i am done with the effort of trying.. Dad ended the marriage nearly 4yrs ago the first time she stop talking to me.. he is an alcoholic(work and pubs are his life) and i spent my time rearing the 3 kids one with autism.. so its hard but i have accepted a non contact relationship with daughter..

Kim Brassor

I would love that too! I wrote a series of articles for Sixty and Me when I was in the thick of it and this one still gives women hope.

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The Author

Kim Brassor is a human resource professional and executive coach who provides education, inspiration and encouragement to people with life damaging habits, and those who love them. She is 60-something and shining a light for other women to live their dreams without drama.

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