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How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

By Kim Brassor May 07, 2023 Family

I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children

What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What Is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children. 

Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Bibiana Mancero

Im at the stage of accepting things and trying my hardest to move foreword. I can’t change the past, but I can make the present better than it was.

KSB

I adopted a child and it ended up that she had severe trauma and mental health issues. She was very codependent with me as child (I am a therapist and used therapists trying to break that cycle.) Once she moved out of my house, she cut off contact with me and does not engage with any of my suggestions regarding getting together just to do something fun.

It was a really rough childhood (for both of us). I stuck by her.

It is disheartening that we ended up estranged. I am not surprised, just very, very sad.

jr2

Well,I have 2 out of three that need divorcing. Thank you to all that had the courage to share. Their dad was a functional alcoholic while I have not been involved in any substance abuse. I was the mom that went to all the sporting events, helped with homework, taught summer school to get extra money, babysat their kids, was the Bank of Mom and wore Sears while they wore Guess. Daughter 1 has had some serious counseling with her husband and now has a better perspective. There is hope. Daughter 2 “the Destroyer” that decided to lay into me for whatever in her life wasn’t good. She is into me for a couple of $100,000.00 and I don’t ask for anything back but… I only care about money according to her. She told me that my new husband( been together 10 years before we married) was only with me because I have money. I have a retirement but I am far, far from wealthy. Just continuing where her deceased father left off with “no other man would want you but me.” When she came here, I had to ask her to leave after she cursed me out and screamed at me in front of her kids. She and her family did not attend my wedding. Daughter 3 isn’t talking to me because I forgot to put her husband’s name on the envelope of their Christmas card but I did get it on the check. She won’t let the kids cash theirs either. I was in the throes of covid and was lucky to get cards out.They all have degrees and 2 have advanced degrees. They all have great jobs and work hard. So there I am blessed. But their actions-I am to have no feelings or opinions about anything they say or do to me- just take the verbal abuse and disrespect. I am not to cry because I am as much to blame as their alcoholic dad and made things worse when I intervened. Phyically, my heart and chest hurts so I have to get this child divorce before it kills me. I am going to close the Bank of Mom and concentrate on loving and enjoying my wonderful husband that loves me unconditionally! This is not what I thought my life would be like when most of the sand in my life hour glass is in the bottom.

Kim Halsey Brassor

Your story closely mirrors mine and I would love to offer guidance if I may. It seems like they blame the ones who love them most. My “destroyer” tried to take my other two offspring with her when she ghosted me. It was a ride but I am closer than ever with the ones who remained. I, too, have remarried and found new joy without the original image of how I thought my later years would look. You have my heartfelt support and compassion.

Erica Silberstein

Wow! This is exactly what is happening with my daughter and I! I am 46 – so maybe we are worse off since it’s happening earlier. We were always so close. I too stayed in a toxic relationship for 15 years while my children were growing up. He was not thier biological father but one was in prison and the other killed himself. He was there since they were 4,2 and 1 so I tried so hard to keep “our family ” together. My oldest son is an addict. He is currently incarcerated due to an accident that the person he hit was killed. Luckily he was not under the influence at the time- but he did not have a license. I have custody of three of his children (they were removed from their mother for abuse). My younger son and I get along for the most part- he does the typical middle child no one really cares woe is me. But we have a better relationship than the others. My daughter left her husband right before covid. Got together with a ‘friend ‘ that was her brother’s best friend growing up. He is terrible. No one likes him. We tolerate him for her sake. She has not spoken to her brother in 2 years because of this relationship. She does not speak to her “father” at all. He is also an addict and definitely toxic. But the boys both still speak to him. She doesn’t speak to her step brother because he missed her baby shower and didn’t come meet her son when he was a baby. They are the same age and were very close- he has mental health issues and has struggled the last few years(doesn’t matter to her- even a diagnosis of Wow! This is exactly what is happening with my daughter and I! I am 46 – so maybe we are worse off since it’s happening earlier. We were always so close. I too stayed in a toxic relationship for 15 years while my children were growing up. He was not thier biological father but one was in prison and the other killed himself. He was there since they were 4,2 and 1 so I tried so hard to keep “our family ” together. My oldest son is an addict. He is currently incarcerated due to an accident that the person he hit was killed. Luckily he was not under the influence at the time- but he did not have a license. I have custody of three of his children (they were removed from their mother for abuse). My younger son and I get along for the most part- he does the typical middle child no one really cares woe is me. But we have a better relationship than the others. My daughter left her husband right before covid. Got together with a ‘friend ‘ that was her brother’s best friend growing up. He is terrible. No one likes him. We tolerate him for her sake. She has not spoken to her brother in 2 years because of this relationship. She does not speak to her “father” at all. He is also an addict and definitely toxic. But the boys both still speak to him. She doesn’t speak to her step brother because he missed her baby shower and didn’t come meet her son when he was a baby. They are the same age and were very close- he has mental health issues and has struggled the last few years(doesn’t matter to her- even a diagnosis of scitzoeffictive disorder did not get her to reach out and see if he is okay. I don’t know who she is anymore. If someone upsets her she just removes them from her life forever. We live about 15 mins from each other. I never see her unless she needs something. She didn’t come to Christmas. She told me today she probably has to work the day of my grandsons party- I told her weeks ago the day we were having it. It really breaks my heart. She unfriended me on Facebook because I called her about not coming to Christmas. After cussing me out and hanging up on me. Honestly she keeps the kids away from our whole side of the family for the most part. Everything is her bf and his family. No invites to Birthday parties. She will say they aren’t having a party then post pictures of a ‘family party ‘ at his moms. I wish I could be strong and not let it hurt me but honestly it makes me so depressed. Sorry this is long!

Mila

Just wondering if there’s a such thing as to divorce your own adult children ? I do not want my children making decisions for me when I cannot make decisions on my own
I’m hiring company to look after me but I’m afraid that my children can altered and interfere my wishes

Is there any options available to help me

Thank you, I will appreciate any advice in this matter

Mila

Leah

Call an attorney !!

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The Author

Kim Brassor is a human resource professional and executive coach who provides education, inspiration and encouragement to people with life damaging habits, and those who love them. She is 60-something and shining a light for other women to live their dreams without drama.

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