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How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

By Kim Brassor May 07, 2023 Family

I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children

What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What Is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children. 

Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Lori Tan

I don’t know how to get away from my daughter without losing my 5 year old granddaughter. Pretending to have a relationship with my daughter is draining the life out of me. She hasn’t once asked to hang out with me in 10 years of being back in the area after college. I’ve watched my grandchild for years and I take them on nice family vacations but she doesn’t interact with me beyond the surface level. She wants me for financial reasons so she Carries on a charade on holidays but gives me signals that I am inferior to her and she can’t wait to get back home. I’ve run out of steam. The healthier I get the more it becomes impossible to act like everything is ok.

Jennifer

So yet again, another argument with my husband about my 25-year-old son from my first marriage. My husband claims my son is an angry young man and I have to agree, and toxic to our relationship. I raised my son much the way I was raised with not too many boundaries a little enabling and just worship. I played the role of the nurturer, the loving mom. Though my ex-husband was good with our children when they were little, he basically checked out when they were in their formative teen years. And to add to that his passiveness as a person wasn’t helpful. I feel like my son never had a strong male role model. Enter my new husband who I’ve been with 7 years and no surprise he does not get along with my son. My new husband is complete opposite of my ex. He’s a strong manly man who sees things black and white has rules and expect expects you to follow them. I feel my son with his unhappiness from the divorce has used my husband as a scapegoat and during this time. Also, my son has not treated me well either. My husband is correct that the only time we argue is about my son. And as of this morning I got the, “It’s him or me!” statement. I’m having a very difficult time not seeing my son as my my beautiful little boy who is perfect in every way. I can’t seem to get that image out of my head. I feel guilty that I did him a dissservice and didn’t raise him better. It just causes me so much torment. How do I get past this?!

Last edited 1 year ago by Jennifer
Diana Prince

Mostly, I believe I was a damn good mother to my 3 children, now 22, 25 & 28. Of course, I wasn’t perfect and would do some things differently, but I was part of a parenting TEAM and I’m certain my husband dropped the ball a few times in raising them but he was doing the best he could and overall, he did a great many good things as their father and as my husband of 32 years. I just think their generation is WAY more selfish, self centered, spiteful, mean & revengeful but, let’s be honest, this country, the good ‘ol US of A, has ruined them, too – No Doubt about that! And I directly blame OUR universities and colleges for a decent percentage of that while also breaking up families just so citizens can attend an affordable school and having to migrate out of the area so U.S. schools could make a profit off the backs of less wealthy families – pitiful !!
Incidentally, while commenting here, there is a pharmacy ad that will not close out so I can complete my comment. So, not a fan of this option. I did comment on YouTube.

Last edited 1 year ago by Diana Prince
Katherine

I have been thinking I was the only one that has gone through this. My x and I divorced 26 years ago and we had 2 children now 34 and 31. I was a single Mother. I was a strict Mom but had a housefull of the kids friends every weekend from fri to sun.I worked shifts. My x is and has been emotionally distant. I have worked doubles and sacrificed my financial future for these kids and yet time and time again hes the hero. I dont get it. My son is nasty and rude and I stuffnit down because he and his fiance have 3 of my grandkids. His fiance is wonderful and she fills me in. I have killed myself going over there in the past painting laying carpet cleaning looking after the kids who are my joy. My son treats me with disrespect and rudeness but when I help or give him anything I am an angel. They don’t have alot and the pandemic has hit them hard financially. He has always worked and works hard. He never answers when I call or want to video with the kids. It breaks my heart. I am in hell right now emotionally. I am always the villian.

Astrid Fisher

I think it is time i divorced myself from my daughter’s toxicity. She only spews forth hatred and malice She is a drug abuser has also had a tough time in life but never takes ownership over her choices and blames me for her drug abuse .

She has no respect for me . Swears me and everyone in the house. I have three children i did not give birth to living in my home . Two are my ex husbands sisters children and one is a child i took from someone who could not look after her .
She hates these children and disrespects and ill treats them . She is abusive towards me . Swears me and verbally and emotionally abuses me . She throws my past in my face and screams and swears daily. There is so much that she does that i would need to spend much more time writing about why i want to divorce her . I only know that it is time i let go of her . She is so toxic.

The Author

Kim Brassor is a human resource professional and executive coach who provides education, inspiration and encouragement to people with life damaging habits, and those who love them. She is 60-something and shining a light for other women to live their dreams without drama.

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