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How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

By Kim Brassor May 07, 2023 Family

I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children

What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What Is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children. 

Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Theresa

I am 4 months in to the latest estrangement and do not know how to move on. It’s extremely painful.

Liz P

“Latest estrangement” suggests previous multiple estrangements. Is the adult child “jerking your chain” as they say? I am sorry. Mine did too. Then I decided—-hmm, I have a good career, a nice little house, a loving partner, a good friend or three and some hobbies I’m interested in. Why am I reacting to every manipulation she pulls? It’s time for me to accept the happy life I have and live it without worrying about her (and not letting her take up mental space—“don’t let anyone live in your head rent free.”). She is living her life; let me live mine! I’m so much happier when she is a distant satellite while all the main parts of life are here and I’m living them. When she calls I let it go to voice mail and answer a day or two later. When she texts I do the same. I am pleasant and polite and brief in replies and I refuse all drama. (She loooves to create drama.). I am SO. MUCH. HAPPIER. with her as a part of my past but not so much as a part of my present life. Can’t even express how much better things have been since I refocused on living my own life independently. It’s a mental shift that will really make you so much happier. I wish you luck, Theresa!

Theresa

Oh gosh I am not there. The 1st estrangement was so long ago (10 years). We got past it or so I thought. From time to time there has been minimal contact (no more than 2 weeks). There is a huge influence of boyfriend, lots of history and brainwashing (in my opinion). I have also walked on eggshells for fear of being shut out. I have allowed her to make me feel week. It still breaks my heart though . She is my one and only family member. My X and family also play their part. I wish we could just talk and figure it out. Unfortunately ghosting is her MO so there’s never any resolution.

Tired

I am finally done, it has 24 hours since, I blocked her phone number, and she cannot call me. This took years to get to this point. I moved 2 years ago, and she does know where my home is. Well, she knows the city but not the address and has no way of getting here, if she did I would call the police. I can so very much relate to this article. I am done and have accepted where it ended. I feel relieve, because it is over, no more lies, and feeling unconformable hiding information for the safety of my grandchildren. I feel freedom I can go towards that area which the other side of the state and see friends, I won’t go where she is at, but I think will be in prison soon. I have her court dates and I will follow those, so I know if It is safe to go to that city. I am glad it is over. no more abuse verbal or emotion or physical from her. It is done and my life what is left will be so much better.

Tired

I love this website, it is a process to let go of a adult child. Mine was my only child and I have been letting go of her for the last two years and finally sent her a final message and told her not to call me and she is not welcome here. I moved away 2 years ago about 3 and half hours away and she has not been here and I have hid my address from her as best as possible. The straw was today, I am not angry, but I am done, I am just done. My 17 year old twin granddaughters that I have helped raise and their father has custody, because my daughter the homeless addict, does not even have supervised visiation because she can pass a piss test and will not pay 60 bucks to visit them. Any way their father moved the girls to the other side of the state and deserted them, I do not have the address but they contact me and I visted them for lunch at a resturant, I am trying to get them move in with me. My daughter does not know, she has seen them or been in contact with them for over 13 years. But back to her, today was the last straw, she has a dog and she is going to get an apartment and pay a 100 pet deposit and get medical insurance for the dog at 35 dollars a month. She does nothing to help her children and likes play poor me to get money from me. She does pay child support and says she can’t get a job which is a lie, she works under table, I think so she does have to pay support. She is a criminal 16 convictions, not just arrested. I am done with her, I will never speak to her again. I felt like I wanted some support so I am posting this because thier no support anywhere eles. Naron deals people who are hopeing their addict gets sober. Warmlines don’t get it and think this is a fight or temporary, it is not. I am pretty calm, I just want some support. Because this is it finally. It took alot of anger, tears, worry, etc. to get to today. I will follow her on court stuff, I am sure they contact when she dies. She is sick right now some, I think I don’t know for sure because lies so much. I am glad I have this website.
Tired

Liz P

You could also read books like Dine with the Crying which offer support for people if they do reconcile AND a lot of advice for parents who do NOT want to and/or cannot reconcile for their own safety and well being.

Liz P

Typo—sorry—Done with the Crying and another book, Beyond Done with the Crying.

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The Author

Kim Brassor is a human resource professional and executive coach who provides education, inspiration and encouragement to people with life damaging habits, and those who love them. She is 60-something and shining a light for other women to live their dreams without drama.

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